I’ve had my legs taken out from under me again. But this time, everything is different.

Max came over tonight to apologize about yesterday. She dropped a bomb about her feline DNA and what she did instead of having dinner with me. But as I watched her standing by the window, so devastated and forlorn, I forgot about myself. I didn’t feel betrayed. All I could think about was her and the pain she was feeling. So I walked up to her, hoping to comfort her. It wasn’t important that I was standing. When she looked at me in surprise, I quickly brushed it off with a quick glance at the exoskeleton. What was important was Max.

I told her she didn’t need to be sorry or ashamed, that I knew who she was. And I do know who she is. I know the horrors of her past and her hopes for the future, the darkness that follows her everywhere she runs, and the light she chases so desperately. I know her anger and her fear and her loving and trusting heart. I know the child who murdered a man at age nine, and the woman who reveres life. I know the X5 who picks up a stranger to satisfy an uncontrollable urge that is wired deep into her being, and the innocent girl who gives her heart with a kiss and a genuine smile. I know the wounded old soul and the lighthearted woman-child. It’s the whole Max that I know and love. I would never ask her to hide what she is, to show me only her light side. That would be an insult to her. She fights the darkness and the flaws that were built into her every day, and she is winning the battle. She has brought so much passion and joy into my life. She is the most beautifully human person that I know. She doesn’t have anything to be sorry for or ashamed of.

Then my legs collapsed under me. The exoskeleton had been working fine. I had no problems with it for two days. But when I needed it most, it failed me. Max couldn’t catch me and I hit the floor hard. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t stop it. I was so ashamed. In the past when I tried to be there for her, something like this would always happen. I was never able to be completely there for her. My body would always betray me. And it happened again today. All I could say was "sorry". I don’t know how many times I repeated it. I turned the machine off and sat there on the floor, totally exposed. There was no Eyes Only mission or wheelchair to hide behind, and no exoskeleton to prop me up. It was just me with all my imperfections, my weaknesses, my needs, and my shame, totally revealed.

Two nights ago when I wrote that I needed to hear from her that it was okay to be imperfect, I had no intention of falling flat on my butt in front of her. But I did. Tonight, Max saw me at my worst and she repeated my words back to me. She told me that I didn’t need to be sorry or ashamed. I remember that she had tried to tell me this many times before, but I wouldn’t listen to her. I couldn’t accept her words or her actions or the look of sorrow in her eyes when she caught a glimpse of my pain. But tonight, I chose to believe her. She has accepted me and all my frailties, even more fully than I have accepted hers. It took me a long time to put the pieces together in my heart, but tonight, I realized that she has always accepted me.

So there I was on the floor, with my legs splayed out in front of me in the most pathetic position I’ve ever been in. A few weeks ago, I would have pushed her away if she’d caught me like this, or I would have turned off my emotions until she walked away in frustration and left me alone in my shame. But not today. As Max sat down beside me, I think we both realized that we didn’t need to hide anymore, that our fears didn’t have to hold us back. Pathetic. Hopeless. Not any more. We can face our realities. My reality is that my legs don’t work. They may never work normally again. But I can still love.

So I leaned forward and gently kissed Max. She kissed me back with all the love and passion that I knew she would. Then for a moment, I got scared and asked her if we should wait. But she looked at me with those beautiful, dark eyes and assured me that it wasn’t Manticore doing this, it was her. She wanted to be with me. When she kissed me again, I knew it was true.

I’m writing this as Max and Zack are in the other room, making their final preparations to rescue Tinga. We’ve barely talked since Zack interrupted us a few hours ago. I think we will always have interruptions in our lives and that we will always have to steal our moments together. This is the nature of her life and mine too.

We are all in mission mode now. In a few minutes, she will head out to fight another battle and I don’t know if she will return. I know that I might never see her again after tonight. Or if she does make it back, that I may lose her tomorrow or next week or next year. I know that we don’t have all the time in the world, even though that is what I said to put her mind at ease. But I do know what I am getting into with this relationship. Tonight is part of what I signed up for. I’m here for any moment I can have with Max, in whatever form it may come. Charlie was right when he described his love for Tinga a few days ago. I won’t regret it, not for a second.

Not for a second.