by A. C. Kleinheider

In her July 13 column, "Reform it back", a column advocating a repeal of welfare reform, Ann Coulter, the Right’s First Lady of Clinton bashing, revealed that she has absolutely no concept of herself. In the column, Coulter sounds the clarion call of elite country-clubbers everywhere complaining, basically, that a girl just can’t get good help these days.

Apparently, in moving from Washington, D. C. back to New York City Coulter was hoping to escape the incompetence she assures us runs rampant throughout Washington, D.C.’s service industry. But, alas, Queen Ann found New York City’s service workers had become unfit to cater to her needs as well. "[N]ow even New York is run by the unemployable. Like the new virulent strains tuberculosis, the new breed of incompetents are incurable." Oh goodness, the proletariat can be quite beneath us sometimes, can’t they Ann?

Coulter believes that all those folks purged from the welfare rolls invaded the jobs at local grocery stores and fast food establishments making it impossible for Queen Ann to attend to duties in a timely fashion.

"There is no wage minimum enough for these people to be paid…I’m busy. There is no reason to have malingerers mucking up commercial activity for the rest of us."

It appears that in between writing and appearing on television Queen Ann had a bit of trouble getting a Burger King Whopper fixed to the proper specifications and may have had to wait on line a bit at the convenience store in order to purchase a feminine product (which I dare say she was in desperate need of when she wrote this particular column).

It would be one thing if one were decrying incompetence in the service industry anonymously leaving us to believe they might be a working mom or involved in grueling and important work. But everybody has seen Ann Coulter on television. They know what she does for a living. Coulter’s column is the kind of thing that gives Republicans a bad name and makes true conservatives wonder why they ever joined that party in the first place. She is the kind of obnoxious blond she-yuppie who provokes fast food employees to hawk up their own little additions to the "special sauce" that grace her tasty Whopper.

Coulter needs to remember that, to various degrees, anyone can read, write, and speak. Ann Coulter achieved the position she has and makes the money she does because, quite frankly, she’s hot. Yes, she has a law degree, clerked for important judges, worked in private practice, etc. But what she does now, Clinton bashing, reciting conservative platitudes, and providing the "Geraldo" audience with sound legal commentary, are things many people equally or more qualified than her would be more than happy to do. Coulter is able to do them because she is easy on the eyes.

There is nothing wrong with this, one has to play to their strengths and she has done exceptionally well doing just that. However, Coulter needs to remember that no matter how many columns she writes, no matter how many times she appears as on "Politically Incorrect", no matter how much time she spends with "important" people on the phone, she is still stretching the traditional idea of "working for a living". She has a relatively comfortable lifestyle traveling in important, well-educated, well-monied circles and yet seems not to have the foggiest idea of who allows her to do this. Who accomplishes those little tasks of washing her car, getting her coffee, serving or preparing her food, bagging her groceries so that Queen Ann can go about her business. Service workers make her life possible. Some are incompetent, sure, and I’m not suggesting anybody throw them a party, shout "workers of the world unite", or institute a "living wage". Everyone has his or her station in life. One must be in touch with and comfortable with their station as well as understand and appreciate the role of others in making our society run relatively smoothly. A service worker might make Miss Coulter late every once and again, but if service workers were absent and Queen Ann had to do all those little tasks herself, how late would she be then?

Ann Coulter is the hot, right-wing blond on television that writes, talks on the phone, and looks pretty for a living. It’s a good gig, if you can get it. But I imagine that it is a fairly painless undertaking, as opposed to say, preparing a whopper w/cheese under a heat lamp. So Miss Coulter how about you cut the folks in the service industry some slack or else strap that blonde mane in a hair net and whip me up a Whopper w/cheese (I said WITH CHEESE, damn! And make it snappy "Geraldo Live" is on and I don’t want to miss the new conservative blonde girl). You might also wish to mask the look of utter disdain on your face the next time you encounter incompetence at your neighborhood Burger King, Miss Coulter, because mayonnaise, while tasty, is quite proficient at disguising a cornucopia of bodily fluids.

July 24, 2000

Copyright © 2001 A. C. Kleinheider