| Second Chances Episode 29 |
| ** "How is she?" Antwon had gone from being one of Rachel's chief critics to a sincere and caring friend in the past week. Harvey admired the change. Antwon wanted to ask Harvey now before Rachel got in. "She hasn't called him." Harvey was used to giving Antwon the daily updates on Rachel's status with Bill. "Do you think she will?" Antwon wondered what he'd do in her position, though he knew a father's role in adoption never was quite the same. "I don't know. I think she's trying to avoid the possible heartache." Harvey assumed this was the problem. She didn't want to get involved with her daughter if she wouldn't have a permanent place in her life. "What would you do?" Antwon was curious about what Harvey had to say in regards to the situation, since he had a unique custody agreement himself. "I'd want to see my child, but I don't know that I'd be able to walk away again." Harvey thought that was the hardest part, having to walk away. ''Me too. I know what I had was way different, but I would've given anything for my mom to show up one day." Antwon had lived through the foster care circus and had the scars to prove it. ** Nash waited for Cassidy by the doors as she walked in, "you wanted to talk?" "Are you sleeping with Rachel again?" Cassidy wondered if the talk he had with her last week about Rachel had anything to do with their on again/off again relationship. "What kind of question is that?" Nash hadn't been expecting that. "A fair one, why else would you have questionned my respect for Rachel's authority?" Cassidy didn't see any other reason why he would doubt their partnership, they hadn't had any major problems in quite a while. "No, I'm not and my personal life wouldn't be affecting my professional decisions." Nash didn't know why she thought it would. He knew going into the relationship that there would be problems with dating his daughter's partner. "You should know that by now." "Funny, it often does." Cassidy wasn't sure if she believed her father or not, Rachel and him always seemed so close. ** "What are you going to do?" Harvey wondered if Rachel had decided on anything yet. She had been having another should I call him or not debate over breakfast before he left. "About?" There were quite a few things going on in her life, she didn't know exactly which one he was referring to. "Lili?" Harvey knew he was stepping on dangerous ground by even bringing the subject up, especially at work. ''Oh, that..." Truthfully, Rachel didn't know what she was going to do. She didn't even want to think about it. "This isn't exactly something you can ignore, Rache." Harvey wanted to know why Bill had to find her, it was odd the way he brought their daughter up now. "I know that. It's hard, Harvey, to even imagine what you'd be doing in my position. Things like this don't happen, I have to wonder why." Rachel was skeptical of Bill's motives for wanting her in Lili's life. Something had to be wrong. "If you never speak to him again, you won't find out." Harvey tried to be reasonable, but her options were limited. "And I'm the one who'd have to live with the decision, not you." Rachel felt bad for how her life was suddenly consuming Harvey. "Rachel, I want to help you, hell, I'd even go with you ... but you have to let me." Harvey couldn't understand why she tried to handle everything on her own. ** "Nashman, heard the latest?" Joe walked up to him smiling. "It's hilarious." "What's that, you fueling the gossip mill around here again?" Nash had guessed it would be something about Rachel and Harvey. Joe poured the coffee carefully before he turned around. ''It's extra juicy." Joe grinned, anxious to get Nash's imput. "If it's about me, I don't want to hear it." Nash wondered if he had anything to do with this, maybe the secretaries downstairs conjured up another story pairing him with Rachel. "Well..." Joe waited a moment, trying to encourage the suspense in Nash. "Oh just tell me already, I know you can't wait." Nash could tell Joe was getting antsy. "Word is that you and Rachel are back together, after a weekend getaway a couple weeks back." Joe wondered why Nash hadn't mentioned anything about it himself. "Is that so? Funny, I don't remember a thing." Nash wondered how these stories came up, didn't they have something better to do? "Where'd we go?" "Good question, didn't hear." Joe was baffled, wondering if he missed that part. "Go find out and I'll tell you what really happened." Nash wanted some private space, he was expecting a call from Deputy Chief Martin. Joe wandered back down the stairs. ** "Did you hear the latest?" Rachel stood with Harvey outside of the SIU, waiting to go back in. Antwon watched from the doorway, they were giving him the perfect opportunity. Two steps closer and he was on his way to creating an ideal joke for Harvey. All he needed was one picture. "Is this from the SIU gossip mill or Antwon?" Harvey knew there was talk about the two of them, but he wondered how serious it had gotten. Antwon heard his name and his ears perked up. "Well, both. Antwon thinks we have sex during lunch." Rachel grinned, her hands were securely wrapped around Harvey's waist. "That's not such a bad idea, but we'd never make it back in time. Not with the traffic in this city." Harvey chuckled at the thought, "and the others?" "They think I'm using you for sex." Rachel saw Antwon peering from the doorway with a camera in hand and decided to give him a show. "Aren't you?'' Harvey was curious when Rachel stepped in closer to him and unfastened the next button on his shirt. She messed up his hair with her fingers as she moved her leg against his. "Rache?" Rachel moved in for a kiss that completely devoured him while suggestively sliding her hands into the back pockets of his jeans. "I only do that only while we're on the clock." Rachel stepped back, "I think he's seen enough." Harvey turned and saw Antwon, standing in awe and chuckled. Rachel started to walk back inside the SIU and crossed paths with Antwon, and winked at him while flashing her smile. Antwon struggled to maintain his composure when he got to Harvey, "what was that?" "That right there?" Harvey rubbed his chin, as if he were deep in thought. "I believe that was a kiss." "Hand it over." Harvey pointed to the camera Antwon tried to discreetly shove into his pocket. ''This?" Antwon acted like he had no idea what Harvey was talking about. "Hand it to me..." Antwon reluctantly handed Harvey the camera. And Harvey took out the film and shoved it in his pocket, returning Antwon the empty camera. "If that was a kiss...does she do that all the time?" Antwon grinned as he watched Harvey's facial expression. Harvey shrugged his shoulders as he moved to go back inside, "sorry, I'm afraid I can't say. Private details." ** "Joe, do you know what happened with Rachel and Bill?" Nash's curiousity had been eating away at him, but he didn't feel right asking Harvey. "I guess they talked sometime last week." Joe really hadn't followed up, he thought Bill would tell him if anything changed significantly. "I know his kid is at my house right now?" "Oh, okay." Nash knew Rachel wouldn't bring it up to him, and he didn't want to ask her either. "Why?" Joe knew, despite the rumours, that Nash and Rachel were just good friends by this point. "Just curious, wondered if she had gone to see her yet." Nash was worried about Rachel, he didn't want to see her get hurt. "Not that I know of, I guess she was pretty upset after dinner." Bill had told him briefly about dinner, but hadn't gotten into the details. "I'd imagine so.'' Nash couldn't imagine his life for a minute without Cassidy, he knew Rachel must be going through hell. ** Rachel stood outside the door and knocked nerviously. She really didn't know what she was doing there. Instinct and listening to her heart had brought her here, her head told her not to come. She waited anxiously, ready to turn around and flee at any moment. Bill had made it to the door before she could even think of leaving. He opened the door and greeted her with a warm smile. "Rachel, it's great to see you." Bill looked at Rachel, seeing everybit of Cecilia in her. He motioned her inside the doorway. Slightly overwhelmed, Rachel wasn't sure what to do. "I... I....wanted to come and..." Bill wouldn't hear it, he knew she was going to say apologize and then be out the door, but he wasn't going to let her off so easily --- so he interrupted her. "Come on in." He led her through the house and into the living room. When he glanced back at Rachel, he saw a look of concern on her face. "Have a seat." "Bill, can we talk for a minute?" Rachel was so nervous she was practially shaking. Bill hadn't expected her to come, but he was happy she did although he wasn't sure what made her change her mind. "Of course." He sat down on the couch across from her, "you can relax, she's out with Lucia tonight." The relief was apparent on her face. ''I have to ask, why now?" She paused, not knowing how he'd reply. "I know sometimes adoptive parents offer to help their kids kind their birth parents, but that is usually when the child is eighteen." Rachel's logic didn't seem to apply to her own situation. "We had told Lili early on that she was adopted, and she's always been interested. We thought it was only fair." He and Mary had thought it was best if they had Lili she was adopted in case they ever wanted to adopt again to save them a more lengthy explanation later on. "Just before Mary got sick, we were in the process of adopting another child and we told Lili about you. We thought that maybe by finding you, we could make the process a little easier for her." "By finding me?" Rachel didn't see how her presence would've bettered Lili's situation. "Mary thought you might want to get involved again, be a part of her life. The idea was, maybe between two families, Lili wouldn't feel left out with a new baby." Bill wondered about Rachel's current status, as far as he knew, she had no other children and was single. "So you've looked for me before?" Rachel questionned how long he had been trying to find her. She hadn't left the city since before Lili was born. "We started to, and than Mary got sick again and we had to terminate the adoption. However, Mary still wanted to find you, especially when she got worse." Bill remembered Mary asking him to find Rachel, if he wouldn't do it for her, he had to do it for Lili. "Now just seemed like a good time." There were other reasons, but those could wait. "What if she hates me, Bill? I don't think I could face that. Not now. It would be better leaving things as they were." This had been the question lingering in the back of her mind since she gave the baby up, dreading and longing for the day she'd get to meet her daughter. "Rachel, don't think like that. Okay? She's not going to hate you." He could see that Rachel was not completely convinced herself about coming over to the house. Bill truthfully didn't know how Lili would react to meeting her mother, her real mother, for the first time. "I can't do this. I can't come back now --- it's too late. I'm the one who screwed up, not her. She shouldn't have to pay for my mistakes." Rachel picked her purse up off the coffee table and walked back towards the door. "Rachel, you're not the same person you were six years ago when you decided to give up your baby. A lot has changed. I can see that and you know that." He paused a moment, "it wasn't an easy decision to make, but it was Mary's last wish. I wasn't sure I wanted Cecilia's birth mother back in her life after all these years. I've been afraid for years that you'd surface one day and want her back, especially after Mary died. I put it off and waited, but then I nearly lost my daughter at Riley. I realized that I could lose her at any minute. Then you came back into her life and made me see I was being selfish. I saw how you loved her enough to give her up all over again. She deserved her mother, that's why I wanted to find you." He waited as her face changed, "please don't leave." ** "Have you heard any more gossip?" Harvey wondered if anything else had circulated through the rumor mill. Rachel's head was resting on Harvey's chest as they laid together in his bed later that evening. He was hoping he'd get an explanation for her disappearance after work. "About us?" There was always gossip, but they seemed to be a frequent topic recently. "Rumour has it that Nash and I are going to fight over you." Harvey chuckled at the idea of him battling Nash. "Really? Does Nash know yet?" Rachel smiled, "maybe I should place my bets." "Not unless Cassidy told him after your catfight in the parking lot." That was another rumour going around, that Cassidy and Rachel had gotten into it in the parking lot. "Oh that?" Rachel wondered how he had heard about her talk with Cassidy. "What was that anyways?" Harvey wondered if maybe something had come up with them again, with Cassidy questionning Rachel's authority. "Just using my authority and experience to provide counseling for the dumped." Cassidy and Rachel had been discussing Cassidy's fall out with her newest fling. "Oh, girl talk? You two do that?" Harvey knew Cassidy and Rachel weren't close, not like he and Antwon had become. "We don't hate eachother, Harvey." Rachel paused a moment, she had to tell him."I went to see Bill today after work." "Really?" Harvey was a little surprised she had gone, especially since she was so adament about her decision not to earlier. "Did you see her?" "No, she was at Joe's." Rachel was relieved that Lili hadn't been home when she came by. Harvey ran his fingers through her dark hair and lightly kissed her forehead. "So what's next?" Harvey wondered, what, if anything, had been decided. "I'm meeting them tomarrow," Rachel turned to look at the clock and smiled, "later today." "Do you want me to come with?" Harvey was sure she'd say no, but he had to offer. "I think I should do this on my own." Rachel was terrified with the possibities of the meeting. "I'll be at the SIU tomarrow morning if you need me." Harvey wanted to be as supportive as possible, he knew this was anything but easy. ** "Aren't you suppose to be meeting with Bill and Lili soon?" Harvey wondered what she was doing at the SIU, when she left he figured she was going home to get ready when she go up so early that morning. She stayed at his house all week to avoid Bill's call. "You said you'd go today." Harvey knew she had been putting it off. Rachel was miserable all week, he finally convinced her to at least talk with Bill again. "I couldn't sleep earlier, so I thought I'd come in and do some work." Rachel thought maybe she'd work all morning and just not go to Bill's. She wasn't up for rejection. "I heard you leave. Nerves?" Harvey imagined she was nervous beyond belief, but he couldn't get her to talk about it. "What else. Harvey, she's going to hate me. I know it." Rachel's mind was set, there was no way her daughter would accept her. "She's not going to hate you, Rachel. She could never hate you." Harvey couldn't understand why Rachel believed Cecilia would hate her, the only thing that came to mind was perhaps because Rachel was the one who gave Cecilia up. "Maybe I shouldn't go. I mean...I've been out of her life this long.'' Rachel was trying to convince herself to go, but something inside kept telling her not to. "Rachel, don't do this to yourself." Harvey had come to the conclusion, if there ever was a poster child for self torture, it was Rachel. "Harvey, you don't know what its like...'' Rachel hated to use this line more than any other, but it was true. Harvey didn't give his son up, he just didn't know he existed for the first year of his life. "You're right, I don't. But when you get home you can tell me all about it so I have a better idea." Harvey planned to be at her house when she got there, whether she wanted him to or not. This time, Rachel had no option. "I can't do it. I can't go." Rachel was ready to pull her hair out, she was being thrown back five and a half years in time. ''I'll drive you there myself if I have to, now get moving." Harvey knew Rachel would regret the decision not to go later on. He'd make her go, no matter what he had to do in order to get her there. ** Bill knocked lightly on Lili's door, sure she was up already. "Can I come in?" He wanted to tell her in advance what they were doing, hoping Rachel wouldn't back out. He hadn't heard from her yet, but that could be good or bad. Bill glanced down at the book Mary had made for her, he needed all the help he could get. "Okay." Lili was sitting at her desk drawing when he opened the door. "What's wrong, Daddy?" Bill's saddened look worried her as he came in. Bill walked towards her and crouched to her level, "Cecilia, do you remember when Mommy and I told you that you were adopted?" "Uh huh." Lili remembered it well, it had come with the announcement she'd get a new brother or a sister. "And that one day you might want to meet your real mommy and daddy?" Bill wasn't particularly thrilled with the idea of sharing his daughter, no matter how old she was. The situation he and Rachel now found themselves in would make things easier. "Yes." She had been interested in meeting her other parents. Not every kid at school had two sets of parents. "When Mommy died, she asked me to find your real mommy for you." Bill felt obligated to fulfill Mary's last request, whether he wanted to or not. "Did you?" Lili wondered if she'd get to meet her other parents already. "I did. And she wants to meet you, if that's okay?'' It was more that he wanted Rachel to meet Lili, but she didn't have to know that. "Will I still live with you?" Lili was confused, unsure if she'd still live with Bill since her other mom died. "Of course sweetie, she just wants to meet you and get to know you." Bill really had no idea how involved Rachel would be in Lili's life after their initial reunion. "When can I see her?" Lili was curious about how long she'd have to wait until she could meet her mother. "She's going to meet us today at at the beach." Bill was still worried Rachel might back out and not come. "What if she doesn't like me?" Lili thought that could be the reason why her mother gave her up. ** "What's with you?" Antwon pulled up a chair next to Harvey's desk. Harvey didn't look so great. "Rachel went to meet with Bill and Lili, or so she said.'' Harvey wasn't completely convinced she'd make it there on her own. "You don't think she'll go?" Antwon had wondered if Rachel was seriously going to see her daughter, she had seemed pretty conflicted. "She wants to, but she's afraid of what could happen." Harvey knew exactly why Rachel was so afraid, things could change again at any minute and she had no control. "If Lili's dad decides he doesn't want her around anymore?" Antwon sensed this is what he was getting at. "Exactly." Harvey wanted to protect her, make her feel safe but with this... there were no guarantees. "What about you?" Antwon wondered what role Harvey played in all of this, or where he fit in. "Rache's got enough on her mind for now, I'm just trying to help." Harvey really didn't know where this development would leave their relationship. He'd venture to think they could last, but a lot depended on her. Nash walked into the SIU, "up for a run? We've got a robbery on Fairbanks." Harvey and Antwon scrambled to get to the door, their discussion would have to wait till later. ** "Where's she at?" Lili sat in the sand, waiting. Bill looked around, there was still no sign of Rachel. "She should be here soon." Bill was trying to convince himself at the same time that Rachel would come. "I brought these to show you." Bill knew Mary intended to give Cecilia the book when they found her birth mother. For now, the pictures would suffice. Bill handed her a picture, of Rachel alone. "Who's that?" Lili didn't recognize Rachel either. Bill didn't feel so bad. "That's your mom." Bill handed her another picture, this time it was Rachel and her father. Both were wearing scrubs and lab coats. "And that's your dad." "Is he coming too?" Bill hadn't mentioned her father, so she wasn't sure if she'd be meeting them both or not. "No, just your mom." Bill didn't know if Rachel had ever told Cecilia's father about her or not. Bill checked his watch, it was getting late. Rachel should be there by now. "Why isn't she here?" Lili was beginning to think Rachel wasn't going to come. "I don't know, sweetie, maybe she's running late." Bill was desperate for an excuse, he knew Rachel was unsure about the meeting. He couldn't blame her. ** Rachel sat in her car in the parking lot, trying to decide if she should stay or turn back. She already noticed Bill's Lexus parked a few slots away. He was there and they were waiting. If there had been a way for her head to tell her heart to shut up, Rachel would already be gone. Her mind flashed back to the day she gave her daughter up, the day she signed custody over to Mary. Bill wasn't there that day, maybe that's why Mary acted as she did... "Rachel, this isn't forever. You'll see your daughter again one day, I can promise you that." This was Mary's response to when Rachel turned down holding her daughter one last time. Mary always intended on keeping Rachel informed and allowing Cecilia to meet her again when she was ready. "It's just hard." Rachel didn't even have it in her to look at the baby without bursting into tears, let alone hold her. "I know, but you're doing the right thing." Mary knew this hadn't been an easy decision for Rachel to make on her own. "Am I? You're walking away with a baby you've wanted for your entire life and I'm walking away with a child missing for the rest of mine. " Rachel looked at her watch, it was quarter till nine. "I should be going, I've got rounds. Thank you, Mary, for everything." That was their good-bye... Rachel wiped her dampened eyes and grabbed her purse, she had to do it. There was no turning back now. She put on her sunglasses and got out of the car. ** "There she is.'' Bill pointed towards Rachel as he saw her coming. She decided to come after all. He let out a sigh of relief, he got up off the blanket to meet her. "I'll be right back." "I was worried.'' Bill wasn't sure what made her come, but he was sure happy to see her there. "You didn't think I'd come?" Bill shook his head, "I almost didn't.'' Rachel didn't know what made her get out of the car. "Are you ready?" Bill knew he didn't have the kind of time to offer Rachel much of an alternative. "I guess I have to be.'' Rachel knew she couldn't leave now, not after coming this far. ''Lili, come here." Bill waited for Lili to walk over towards them, as a smile grew upon her face. He could tell Rachel was nervous and upset, when she removed her sunglasses he could see the remains of red and puffy eyes. "Daddy, that's Rachel." Lili wondered what Rachel was doing there, perhaps she'd join them for the day as well. "I know who she is." Rachel knew now that Bill hadn't told her who she was as she hoped he would. This would make things worse. "Give me a minute.'' Bill took Cecilia off to the side. Maybe he should've explained this earlier. "What about my mom?" Lili wasn't sure why Rachel would be there, except to see Bill. "Where's she?" ''Rachel is your mom.'' Bill took Lili's hands into his own and he looked at Rachel, not sure how either one would react to the news. "Oh." The look on Lili's face was neither happy nor sad, "does she know?" Lili thought Rachel must not know, she would've said something earlier. "Do you want to go talk to her?" Bill didn't want to push, but he didn't want to let the moment slip by. Lili went to sit down on the blanket again. Rachel moved towards Bill, "maybe I should go? Now doesn't seem to be a good time." Rachel tried to keep herself from crying, Lili didn't want to see her. The pain was worse than she anticipated. "I'll go, give her a minute." Rachel stood there silently while Bill went back towards Lili, "Lili, I'll be right back." "You can't leave me with her, Bill." A look of concern filled Rachel's face, she didn't know what to expect or what was expected of her. "It'll be alright. Just give her time." Rachel watched as Bill walked down the beach, finding herself alone with her daughter for the first time. ** "Name?" Harvey wondered if they had gotten a name to match the identity of the key suspect from the flower shop robbery. The had gone back to the SIU after talking to the witnesses. "Julian Montevideo, Chilean import." Antwon had checked the files since they got back, his information matched the witnesses description. Antwon could tell he was distracted. "Still no call from Rachel?" "No, I hope everything went okay." Harvey was worried she wasn't calling because things went so badly. There wasn't room for much positive thinking. "They're probably catching up and lost track of time, I bet she'll call you when she gets home if you don't see her first." Antwon knew Rachel wasn't the type not to call. "You're probably right, I mean, maybe Lili's happy to see her after all?" Harvey hadn't thought of things from Lili's side, maybe she wants to meet Rachel. "You see, maybe things aren't so bad?" Antwon tried to stay positive, one of them had to. ** Harvey fumbled with his keys as he tried to unlock the door later that evening. He had considered going by Rachel's but he figured she'd call him when she was ready to talk. He gets a deep whiff of Rachel's perfume as he enters and wonders if she's there after all. He found her purse and keys lying on the coffee table and walked into the kitchen, where he finds an emptied bottle of wine that wasn't there that morning sitting on the counter, along with a beer can or two. She's been busy. Things must not have gone well. "Rache?" he calls down the hall, but gets no reply. He goes upstairs and sees a dim light coming from the Dead Room. "Rache?" Harvey knocks on the partially closed door before entering. He finds Rachel lying on the beanbag chair next to the stereo. There's another bottle of wine next to her, already half empty and the remains of a Chunky Monkey caron. "You okay?" Harvey knew she wasn't. "I'll be fine." That was a lie, but she just didn't have it in her to discuss the day with him. Harvey noted her tone, she was not herself. Drunk, yes, but still not herself. He sat down on the floor next to her. "I...I... tried... to call you, but you weren't...ho..home, so... I ...I ... came by." Harvey wondered what could've went on with Bill and Cecilia to put her in such a state. "Do you want to talk about it?" "Not particular...ly." Rachel didn't even want to think about her day. It was terrible. "Harvey, move!" Harvey slid over a bit on the floor as Rachel made a mad dash towards the bathroom. He saw the book lying on the floor, he'd check it out later. Harvey waited a couple minutes before knocking on the closed bathroom door. "Rache, you okay?" Harvey guessed that other than a possible cup of coffee that morning, Rachel didn't have anything in her besides the wine and the ice cream. She would be hurting tomarrow. When she didn't reply, he walked in. "I screwed up, Harve, I re...ally... really did." Rachel was splashing the cold water against her face. "Here, I've got a better idea.'' Harvey started the shower and turned the water to cold. "This will help. We can talk when you're done.'' Harvey left the bathroom and pulled the door shut behind him, wondering what had gone on. ** "So, what do you think?" Bill sat down on the corner of Lili's bed. Bill thought their initial visit had gone well. "Can I see her again?" Lili was anxious to see Rachel again, she had more questions that needed to be answered. "Would you like to?" Bill knew he wanted to see Rachel again, but he didn't want to force her upon Lili. "Yeah," she paused for a minute, fidgeting with the bear she held in her hands. "Lili, what's wrong?" Bill could see there was something bothering her, maybe something happened while he was gone. "Why was she crying?" Lili had caught Rachel crying more than once during the afternoon and wanted to know why. "Is she sad?" Bill hadn't thought about that, he hadn't given Rachel any definite clues as to what he was looking for or why he had to find her. "I don't think so, I think she was just happy to see you." That was something else they'd have to discuss before it was too late. ** Rachel walked into the Dead Room, wearing one of Harvey's shirts with her hair still damp from the shower. "I really screwed up, Harvey." Harvey got up from the bean bag chair and met her by the doorway, he turned off the lights and guided her to his room. He led her over to the bed, "easy does it." Harvey wondered how she kept her balance with all she had to drink. He situated himself on the edge of the bed next to her and pulled the covers up, "now tell me about today." "God, Harve, she hates me. I shouldn't have gone." Rachel knew she wouldn't live up to Lili's expectations of her. "What makes you say that?" Harvey wondered what could've made Rachel reach such a conclusion. "She doesn't want to see me, Harvey. She had a mother, she doesn't want me.'' By all definitions, Mary had been Cecilia's mother. In Rachel's mind, all she did was give birth. "Rache, come on..." He wanted to know what had her so shaken up, so convinced she was a failure. "I can't see her again, Harvey. Not after today." ** |
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