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The hospital staff was wonderful. They helped us through a very difficult time. They gave us the best gift of all. Time alone with our daughter, a pink “memory box” with a little angel painted by an 11 year old girl on the lid, many pictures, a lock of her hair, foot and hand prints (she had very large hands), a name of a support group, and other material.
Leaving the hospital and going home without our baby was very difficult. We went in with a baby and left with empty arms. When we arrived home, I thought about Aja not being with us, and began to cry. I was holding Lammie, when the prayer began to play “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep”. I jumped in surprised as it caught me off guard. I realized then, that though we didn’t have Aja in our arms, she was still with us. It was if she was playing the prayer, turning the tables, to comfort us.
The funeral was very small and private. At one time I felt a warm hand on my right shoulder, but there was no one behind me. I felt comforted by the touch, and felt a sense that she would be ok. During the service, we had four songs play that reminded us of her. One of them was her song, “Aja”, by Steely Dan. Once again our “Lammie” started speaking, in the middle of the song and we knew Aja was near. The outpouring of support we received from family, friends, and acquaintances surprised US. We also attended a small support group. The most amazing thing was the stories we had heard, of others who had lost their babies and children in a similar way. It is something never talked about, until the tragedy hits home. And the one thing that all of these people have in common, is they want to talk, want to tell their story, even if it was 30 years ago. It was important to talk, because that is all they have of their child’s life on this earth. There are some people who are afraid to discuss a child’s death, believing it will only bring more pain to the parents, or that the parent will remain stuck in tragedy. They quickly change the subject, becoming uncomfortable themselves. My experience is that these parents want to talk about their child, because they are still alive in their hearts and they celebrate their child’s life. I was so grateful and completely honored that they wanted to share their stories with us. We learned, we weren’t alone, and that there still is hope, that no one is to blame, it is a part of life.My husband and I have found that we both grieve differently, in our own way, but we honor and respect that in each other. We have our good days and not so good days. We give each other the space to grieve separately, but are also there for each other to listen, to cry with, and fondly remember our daughter’s short time with us. Though the days move forward, we will never forget our little girl. She will always live on in our hearts.
Occasionally I get a sense that our Aja Dawn is around me. Sometimes I smell the scent of baby powder, and it lasts about a half-hour, and other times I get a very peaceful feeling and my heart doesn’t feel so heavy. I believe she would have been a little girl full of giggles, smiles, and determination. That’s how I see her, on the other side of this life, with Don’s father and grandmother, my grandparents watching over her, and my cousins children, Katlin and Noah playing and laughing with her.
Thank you for listening to our story, to Aja’s story.
Karen
Ps Aja is pronounced Asia