This is the story of how I met my first bereaved mommy. I know this is a long read, but it is well worth it. I wouldn't be as far as I am in my journey if it wasn't for Angie. She restored my faith and hope when I so desperately thought it was all gone. I don't think Angie still realizes the full impact she has made in my life and I am indebted to her forever.
After Noah died, our children were our priority, but we soon realized that we needed something. Our family and friends were very supportive and we are grateful for that, but we needed more. We weren’t sure what we really needed, but we knew it was something, and it was out there. We ended up going to a few meetings held by The Compassionate Friends (bereaved parents group). It was very hard for me to open up to these strangers, but I eventually did, and felt much better. I knew that all these people understood my pain and suffering, but I knew I needed something else. I needed to find a bereaved parent who has young children, like me. I didn’t know where to go or who to phone, so I tried the internet. This is where my support system came to light.
I came across a website of a beautiful little girl named Logan Elizabeth Denes. A precious little girl who said that she was going to be an “ardian angel” and get some “wings”. I read Logan’s story over and over again. Each time, I had tears rolling down my cheek. Through my tears and heavy heart, I signed Logan’s guestbook and shared my feelings. Deep down, I wanted to talk to little Logan’s mommy, Angie. I had so many questions to ask and I felt completely lost. After all, my friends do not know how it feels to lose a child. They were and still are here for me when I need them, and I am extremely grateful for that. However; I needed to hear from someone who truly understands what I am feeling and experiencing. I needed to know that I am somewhat normal. I needed reassurance. I needed someone to tell me that I’m okay and it will get better. Life will go on and I will be just fine. I needed to know more about where my child is and if he is still with me. I needed compassion and understanding. I needed guidance. I needed hope.
When I received Angie’s first email, I was so elated. Angie told me things that I really needed to hear. I emailed Angie back and then she emailed me and we had a daily talk together. That meant more to me than anything. Angie was always very open and honest. She wasn’t afraid to answer my questions truthfully, yet with compassion and love. On one of my bad days, I emailed Angie about 12 questions. Instead of replying to each question, Angie asked for my telephone number. She said it would be easier to phone me. Although I was reluctant, I gave my number to Angie. Then, I would see myself sitting eagerly, yet apprehensively, by the phone. And one day, Angie phoned me. It was awkward at first. I am talking to a total stranger on the phone about something so personal. But you know what? I will never regret talking to Angie. She was so warm and so understanding. She made me feel like I have known her for years. We talked about everything. Angie made me understand more about life after death, communication with the afterlife, and understanding the different kinds of signs we may receive. Angie gave me so much information I was so amazed. She answered all my questions on family and the surviving children and explained so much about the afterlife and all of the believable signs Logan has given her. And believe me, they are amazing! I know a lot of people doubt these signs, but I knew it would happen to me, one day. And it did.
During our months of emailing each other, Angie told me about a group of bereaved moms, from all over the United States, that she is involved with. These women have a private email service going. Whenever someone wants to share, talk, vent, grieve, cry, or just be with someone who understands, they go onto their computer and email each other. They are supportive of each other and acknowledge each others feelings, dreams, hopes, and fears. They listen, share, and offer advice when needed. Being a close knit family is the best way I can describe them. “This loop is a break of an email loop that several of us belonged to. We felt unheard and sometimes left out, so we stepped away and asked other moms with angels to join. We have been going on for almost three years (as of 2001). It started as a place for comfort of loss but has now grown to more than just support for loss, but as friends, life, and living. We are here for every reason now but are bonded together by the fact that each and every one of us have had a child that has died and gone on to a life in heaven. A thing you only understand truly and deeply if you had lost a child. We have many who have not lost children that love and support us, but it is not the same as a parent that has experienced this loss.” That is how Niki, a “loopie” describes how the loop came about. She continues describing what the loop means to her, “Loopie....... A friend... A sister... A griever. Someone that can finish my sentence... cry when I cry, know beyond a shadow of a doubt where I have been and in many cases where I am going. They understand me when noone else does... they laugh at things that the world does not see. They speak of my child in the present tense and not always in the past... They let me live, and more important they let my child live. Life without food I could do, but life without my loopies that is death to me.” Being so newly bereaved, and bombarding her with so many questions, Angie thought that it would be quite beneficial to me if I joined the loop. I would be able to see how these women are coping through their loss. Some have been bereaved for months and others, years. Angie asked the “loop” if it was okay for me to join. And they all said yes. It was awkward for me at first. The first time I went on, I emailed everyone a brief description about me and my family. The next email was about Noah’s accident. These women overwhelmed me with their compassion and love. Their wisdom and words were so comforting and healing. I thank God, and Angie for introducing them to me. These women have helped me in so many ways. They have picked me up when I was down, they made me smile when I thought it wasn’t possible, they made me cry when I couldn’t anymore, and most importantly, they gave me hope. I know that I will make it with all these women by my side giving me support and unconditional love. And for that I am forever grateful.
