Attack on South Park-3

By Peter Barnard

Legal nonsense yadda, yadda, yadda! This story contains some strong language and offensive comments about followers of the Jewish faith.The comments are in character for the protagonists but the author does not condone these comments or any anti-Semitic behavior. Please do not read this story if you are offended by anything.

Warning: This story was written whilst under the influence of boredom!

Click here to see the picture that started this

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[A large room half filled with a orange liquid. Three immense tubes are half submerged. They carry the distinctions 00, 01 and 02. Overlooking the room is a control room of sorts. In the room stands a prim looking woman in a red jacket, and a woman in a labcoat with a co-joined foetus on her face.]

Ritsuko Gollum: Kenny and Kyle's synch ratios are very promising. Eric is having trouble maintaining his though.
Major Misato Cartman: Come on honey. Try.

[Split screen. Each third shows the face of one pilot]

Eric Langley (Annoyed): Goddam EVA!
Kenny Ayanami (Teasing): Mpph mph mmph!
Kyle Ikari (Laughing): Totally dude!
Eric Langley: Screw you hippy!

[Ritsuko Gollum puts her hand to her head]

Ritsuko: I think that's all we'll get today.
Misato (actually pleased!): Well done children.

[Changing room]

Kyle Ikari: Get out of the shower you fat fucker!
Eric Langley: Screw you, you fucking Jew! And I'm not fat, I'm thermally expanded.
Kyle Ikari: Yeah right lard-ass. Come on Kenny.
Kenny Ayanami: Mph mphmph. Mppph mpphh!
Kyle (leaving): Yeah, I know.

[Unit 02's cage. Eric Langley stands on the bridge looking at Unit 02. He is holding a stick.]

Eric Langley (beating Unit 02): No! Bad EVA! Respect my authori-tah!

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[TITLE SEQUENCE]

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[EVA Command Centre. Sheila Ikari sits at a desk higher than the command staff. Her hands are steepled in front of her face. Beside her stands Garrison Fuyutsuki. On a lower deck sit three console operators. Major Cartman stands near them.]

Pip (surprised): Golly!
Major Cartman: What is it dear?
Pip: There's something approaching.
Wendy: Blood type blue. It's an Angel
Mephisto Jr (Muttering): It's a stupid gay Angel. Huh huh!
Major Cartman: Oh dear! Sheila, its an angel.
Sheila Ikari: What what what! An angel?
Garrison Fuyutsuki (deadpan): Well spank my ass and call me Charlie!

[Sheila Ikari looks at Garrison, concerned, and then looks back at Major Cartman]

Sheila Ikari: Launch Unit 00. The little Ayanami kid should be able to handle it.
Major Cartman (to Sheila): Right! (to Ayanami) Good luck!

Kenny Ayanami (in Unit 00): Mph!

[South Park-3. A large mechanised dinosaur is rampaging around South Park-3. It has an enormous nose and a unconvincing hair style. People are running around in panic, as it stomps and eats generic houses, but no regular sets]

[Launch bay. Unit 00 slides on its base to the lifts. As it locks in place there is a whirr of bolts being unlocked]

Kenny Ayanami: Mpph!

[Unit 00 shoots up into the ceiling. Inches before impact a hatch opens, and Unit 00 is carried up to the surface.]

[South Park-3. Suddenly Tom's Rhinoplasty slides aside and Unit 00 rises out of it. Unit 00 draws it's Prog Knife and charges]

Kenny Ayanami (to himself): Mph mpph mph mmmph mph mph mmpphh!

[The Angel looks surprised to see the EVA, but dodges clumsily away. Unit 00 runs straight past and trips over South Park Elementary. The Prog Knife is dropped and embeds itself, blade up, in the snow. In slow motion, Unit 00 falls toward it]

Kenny Ayanami (stretched): Mppppppppphhhhhhhhhhhh!

[Unit 00 lands face first on the blade and is still]

Eric Langley (hushed voice): Oh my God! They killed Ayanami!
Kyle Ikari (furious): You bastards!

[EVA Command Centre]

Ritsuko Gollum: That poor child!
Sheila Ikari (deadpan): Launch units 01 and 02.
Major Cartman: Try to keep your synch ratio up Eric dear.

[Launch bay. Units 01 and 02 slide on their bases to the lifts. Unit 01 has a rifle, Unit 02 has a battle axe. As they lock in place there is a whirr of bolts being unlocked. Both Units shoot up into the ceiling. Inches before impact, hatches open, and Units 01 and 02 are carried up to the surface.]

[South Park-3. South Park Elementary and Stark's Pond slide back to reveal cavernous holes from which pop Units 01 and 02.]

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[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

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[South Park-3. South Park Elementary and Stark's Pond slide back to reveal cavernous holes from which pop Units 01 and 02.]

Eric Langley (Advancing): Cover me!
Kyle Ikari: Goddammit Langley. Come back you stupid fat fucker.
Eric Langley: Fuck you, you stupid Jew!

[Unit 02 charges at the Angel. The Angel sidesteps but Unit 02 compensates and swings with its axe. With a clean blow the Angel's left arm is sliced off.]

Eric Langley: Take that you lousy hippy!

[Unit 02 moves round to the other side and swings again. The Angel twists slightly and the axe takes its other arm off.]

Kyle Ikari (surprised): Wow! He's actually winning

[As the axe continues in its arc, the Angel kicks it and it slices straight through Unit 02's left leg. Unit 02 crashes to the ground. The Angel steps astride Unit 02 and opens its jaws. We see a ball of energy building up which then is spat at Unit 02]

Eric Langley (Famous last words): Oh fuck!

[Unit 02 is fused solid. The Angel bellows a cry of victory and advances on Unit 01]

Kyle Ikari (to self): I can beat this thing. I mustn't run away!

[Unit 01 fires a whole clip at the Angel. It barely flinches. Unit 01 reloads and fires again. Scratches are the only damage visible.]

[Eva Command Centre]

Major Cartman: Switch to your Prog Knife honey!

Garrison Fuyutsuki (hushed): He's screwed.
Sheila Ikari (hushed): I wouldn't be so sure. Look

[South Park-3. Unit 01 draws its Prog Knife and charges.]

Kyle Ikari: Yaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

[The Angel fires another ball of energy. Unit 01 is enveloped, and then bursts through the blast, smoking, with melted patches]

[Rapid fire montage of shocked Command Crew faces]

[The Angel looks surprised, and prepares to kick the oncoming EVA. Unit 01 avoids the kick and knocks the Angel to the ground. As they struggle on the floor, Unit 01 repeatedly strikes with its Prog Knife. The damage is minimal.]

[EVA Command Centre]

Wendy: Can he actually damage it?
Pip: Gosh! I don't know.
Ritsuko Gollum: My God! Look at his Psychograph!

[Split screen. Below, Kyle Ikari's Psychograph is going crazy. Above, Unit 01's eyes are glowing red!]

Kyle Ikari (foaming at the mouth): You killed Kenny you bastard! Die! Die! Die!

[The Prog Knife starts to punch huge gashes in the Angel and eventually it goes inert. Kyle Ikari continues to stab.]

Major Cartman: It's dead dear. You can stop now.
Sheila Ikari (deadpan): Leave him. He will stop in his own time.

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[Later. The battle field. A dead Kenny and a wounded Eric are being stretchered past a stressed Kyle who is wrapped in a blanket and being spoken to by Major Cartman]

Major Cartman: Well done Kyle. You beat it all by yourself.
Kyle Ikari (Shaking): I guess so. But it was scary. I even thought I heard my dead father guiding me at one point.
Major Cartman: Just rest up now. You'll feel better tomorrow.

Eric Langley (resignedly): I hate you Ikari

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[Next day. Eric, Kyle and Ike-Ike the War Penguin at standing about looking bored.]

Kyle Ikari: Hey! Lets play Kick the Penguin!
Ike-Ike: Don't kick the penguin.
Kyle Ikari: Kick the penguin!

[He toe punts Ike-Ike, who crashes through Major Cartman's just-parked car. She steps out, as does Kenny who is covered in bandages.]

Major Cartman: Look everyone, Kenny's better!
Eric Langley (suspicious): I thought you were dead.
Kenny Ayanami (dimissively): Mph mph mpph.
Major Cartman: Well now, how about to celebrate your victory we go out for ice cream?
All: Ice cream! Hooray!

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[END CREDITS]

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How was that then? That was my second EVA crossover, and my first in the 'script' style. I hope that some of you found at least some of that funny. Anybody?

And yes, I do realise that it was too short for a South Park episode, but I'd rather make it too short and a bit funny than just have it dragged out interminably. M'kay?

This was my original drawing during the planning stage of the fic: