Just Rambling on
Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Wow! Can you believe it's already been over a year since I started this journal? October 18th, 2002 was the day I finally acted on Stefani's encouragement, and started putting my life and thoughts online for everyone to see.

I browsed through some of the entries from the past year and realized I've changed the background too many times too count. Does that mean I'm fussy, or just that I enjoy change and variety? As I read some of my older entries, I couldn't believe some of the dorky things I said. (Yes, I'm dating myself by using "dorky". Does anyone use that word anymore?)

I started an anniversary entry on Saturday, but "life got in the way", so I didn't finish or post it. There's no point to posting it this long after, so I scrapped it. For the past few days, I have been pondering whether to continue, or end this journal now. Why, you ask? I don't know... Does my writing provide a benefit to anyone, or to myself, for that matter? Does it even matter if it does? Would the time I spent on this be better spent on something else, or is it a useful "channel" to sort out my thoughts, and to keep friends and family updated on what's going on with me?

Obviously, my decision is to keep posting for now, while observing if "just rambling" about stuff is beneficial to anyone, or if it serves any real purpose. Have any of my readers gained anything from what I have written this past year?

As I indicated earlier, "life happens". On Saturday afternoon, Kevin and Ashley had a major fight, and to make a long story short, Kevin is now staying with John and I temporarily. I won't get into a lot of details, since I'm sure they don't want their "dirty laundry" aired on the internet for everyone to see.

Things have calmed down the past couple of days between them, but the weekend was chaotic. Unfortunately, I have the ability to sense people's emotions as if they were my own, and I was overwhelmed being in the middle of two people that I care about being in conflict with each other. For the people that are reading this that are panicking, thinking I can read minds, don't worry. I can't read minds (that I know of), and even if I could, I wouldn't want to.

When I first realized I had this "ultra-sensitivity", I would think, "why am I feeling like this? I have no reason to feel this way!". Then, I began to associate my unexplainable feelings with someone else that was near me. For example, I would begin to feel extreme sorrow and loss, and I would find out a little later that someone had just found out a relative had died. Or I would sense deep sadness around someone who was extremely angry, and find out that person had been ridiculed for something. Even though they were expressing anger, they felt differently on the inside. Or I could feel guilty, and suspect someone was lying to me. You guessed it: I would find out later that my guess was correct.

I guess the bottom line is that the feelings I'm "picking up" have to be strong, and have to be hidden. I can't even tell who the feelings are coming from, although usually I can guess. The problem is I don't want to guess, because I feel like I'm invading someone's privacy to an extent. I don't know why someone is feeling certain feelings, I just know that they are there and buried somewhere.

It makes more of an empathetic and caring person, but the "roller coaster" of emotions is a bit overwhelming, especially when I have my own "roller coaster" to deal with.

Thanks for reading!
Ann Marie


ONE YEAR AGO