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| "we live in a pretty messed up world," i say to myself everday as i lay crying on the bathroom floor after purging yet again. its much easier to blame my problem on society rather then accept the problem to be my own. easier to point to the painfully skinny models that line the catalogs rather than to my own mind as the root of the evil that is bulimia. it started innocently enough, me at age 12, wondering if i coud make myself throw up. me at age 14 skipping meals, yearning to be thinner. me at age 15 throwing up more frequently. and now me at 16, bulimic. such a scary and disgusting word with so many hurtful feelings attached. im ashamed of myself, ashamed of what i do every day when i get home from school... ashamed that i am weak and have no self control, that i have a handful of cookies or acouple of pieces of pie, and then feeling terrible pangs of guilt, rush downstairs, to purge and lie on the floor crying once again. what a vivcious, addicting cycle. a strange feeling of happiness, of releif fills my body the moment the food touches my lips, and then the anger, and the feeling of pushing out all my problems, all my stress, all my pain, and flushing it away. only the tears keep coming, i cant stop, and im so scared and disgusted of myself and what i have become. *Cassie* |
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| today while shopping for some barbie stuff for a little girls birthday, I saw the unbelievable "model barbie" complete with tredmill and scale. I couldn't fucking believe it. What in the hell is going on? |
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| Bulimia Means.... Bulimia means brushing your teeth often, drinking lots of water, and feeling dizzy. Bulimia means changing your clothes several times in the morning, then wearing the same old baggy things. Bulimia means being alone a lot, because you don't want to be with people, especially when you have to lie so much. Bulimia means taking antacids, thinking you're going to die, both hoping that you do and don't. Bulimia means sleepless nights, wondering if you really got rid of everything, or if you'll wake up obese. Bulimia means hurting everyone around you, your friends, your family, mostly yourself. Bulimia means believing you're crazy, wishing you weren't, and not knowing how to change it. Bulimia means wanting someone to hold you, but not wanting to be touched and have someone feel your fatness. Bulimia means feeling in control and out of control, at the same time |