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November 23, 1998
We went to grandpa Willis's funeral today. The fact that we are expecting another baby seemed to be a ray of light for the family. People kept asking when the baby is due and are we going to find out if it is a boy or girl. I had to inform everyone no, we would wait and be surprised as always. Grandpa's middle name is Dale, just like my dad, maybe if it's a boy we will give it the name Dale instead of Royal. Long day, lots of driving so I'm really tired. I have an appt tomorrow. Looking forward to hearing the heartbeat and see if I have gained any wight yet. 16w3d.
November 25, 1998
I don't know what to say. The last 36 hours have been the worst of my life. Yesterday, I found out the baby has died. Apparently about 2 weeks ago. I just can't believe all this has happened. I went expecting to hear everything looks great see you in four weeks, instead it turned into a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I just can't beleive it. It seems so unreal, I can't explain how I'm feeling kind of like an out of body experience. I feel like I'm watching all of this but yet I feel the heaviness of my heart and the stinging of my tears. I'm trying to not cry a lot, I don't want to upset the kids but I can't help it, everytime I think about it. This is just so unbelievable. I had to go back to the dr.s office today. As soon as I walked into the office they whisked me back to a room. I guess they didn't want me sitting in the waiting room crying and upsetting the other pregnant women. They did another ultrasound. Last night I prayed, begged and pleaded for God to let there be a heartbeat when I went back today. Either is wasn't listening or he is angry at me. But I don't know what for. What have I done? We scheduled a D&C for next week. I just can't beleive this.
November 27, 1998
We did Thanksgiving with Jay's family today. Nobody said anything directly about the baby. They asked how I was doing but nothing about the baby. No I'm sorry, nothing. I have been spotting today. No cramping. Dr. P said I maybe lose the baby on my own if I do come to the emergency room. But I have decided I'm not going to have a D&C. I'm not ready to give the baby up. As long as I'm carrying it, he/she is still with me.
November 28, 1998
I am really thinking that they are wrong. Probaly he just doesn't know how to work the ultrasound machine. How often do dr.'s do ultrasounds, so I'm sure he just didn't have something turned on. How could I be walking around with a dead baby inside me. My body would know and would have done something about it. So I am definitaly canceling the D&C, I don't want to lose the baby when they are wrong.
November 29, 1998
I was suppose to work today, but I called in I am spotting more. Cramping a little. We are going to put up the Christmas tree and stuff. Trying to keep things normal and happy for the kids. If it wasn't for them I would just go crazy. I am going to call tomorrow and cancel the D&C. I still think they are wrong. How could my body not know. Dr. D even said my uterus is the right size for 16 weeks. Probaly just a huge mistake.
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