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| Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a beautiful princess and a beautiful prince. They were both very lonely, when they cried, they cried alone, when they felt, they hid their feelings in their shame at who they were. They had both learned that caring and loving led to pain and or/indifference. They were both outwardly beautiful and seductive, but inside, they were alone within themselves. The trust fund brat and the foster child were accustomed to walking through the world alone, each for their own reasons. They didn't know any other way to live and we all must survive anyway that we can. Todd Manning as a child, was abandoned by his mother. Bitsy Manning was probably the only person who had ever shown him any love and she left him at a young age. He was raised in a world of guilt. Peter Manning loved to blame Todd for the loss of his love, Bitsy. I will always believe that Peter loved Bitsy, but because of who he was, never really had her love. Peter's jealousy of Todd, his anger that Todd wasn't really his son and his cruelty sent Bitsy Manning running for her life. Todd told Blair once that Peter used Bitsy for a punching bag. We knew that in Bitsy's absence, he used Todd as his punching bag. Growing up in that world, taught Todd some harsh lessons at a very young age. Never let them see you vulnerable, they only hit harder or maybe it just hurts a little more. Todd searched for love, as we all do; but because of his experience with Bitsy he was sure that the minute he received it, it would be taken away. It would be easy to imagine that down deep inside, Todd believed Peter when he told him that Bitsy's abadonment was his fault. He was bad, he was unworthy and it was because of him that his mother ran screaming and abandoned the two of them. It was all the more painful for him, because he did know love. A mother's love is the best feeling in the world for everybody, even if you're Todd Manning. He knew Bitsy's love and he held it dear. Bitsy left him though. Bitsy left him to an abusive monster, his hatred and resentment of Bitsy must have been as strong as his love for her. He so craved that love and approval that Bitsy gave him to the point that he tied himself in knots to be a son that would make Peter Manning proud, he wanted that love from Peter. Peter was a twisted and sick human being, he was also Todd's role model as father's often are to their children. That old saying, raise a child with love...comes to mind. He also learned that people that you love, go away. Thus, what he craved the most, would probably cause him the ultimate pain. Todd grew to fear love and vulnerability because those were the tools of his abuse. He built a high wall around his soul to shield himself from Peter's wrath. Since he'd been abandoned to a life of hell by his mother, he learned to hate her and it would stand to reason, that he hated her for being to weak to bear Peter's abuse to be there for him as a child. To this day, Todd Manning hates weakness in anybody, especially in himself. Had Todd never been loved by Bitsy, he might have been a different person, having never tasted it, he wouldn't have craved it so. He truely would have been the monster. Alas, he wasn't a monster, but because of it, he was very angry at it's loss. He must have asked himself a thousand times growing up, what was wrong with him that Bitsy was no longer there to comfort him after one of Peter's beatings. Bitsy could leave, but Todd had no power. Instead of love he only got the back of Peter Manning's hand and I would imagine that he felt he deserved it, because Peter blamed him and told him so. Children believe what they are told by the people who supposedly love them. parents are god like beings to all children. He learned from Peter that he wasn't worthy of anybody's love and had every reason to believe that. Todd Manning walked through his world all alone because of that. It's a shameful thing to not be worthy of a mother's love, it's probably a very deep shame when the rest of the world seems to be overflowing with it. I can't imagine what the holidays were like in the Manning household. Blair Daimler was nobody's child. She never received the love that a mother could give. She had no concept of it. She was raised by social workers, foster parents and such. She was raised by people who had learned the hard way to never invest in a child that could be taken away at the drop of a hat. It's a necessary evil in the foster care system. The caretakers learn to distance themselves from the children, to guard their own hearts. They're not bad people, quite the opposite, but loving a child that could and will disappear forever from your life, is a bit too much of a risk for most people to bear. Physically, she was well taken care of, but since people tended to avoid connecting with her, she never really connected with anybody either. She was never given those skills, those are things that are learned, we're not born with that. Blair learned some lessons in her childhood too, though. She learned that if you love somebody, they will not love you back, no matter how hard you try or how much that you want it. Love was probably a great mystery to her and a personal challenge, she needed to prove that she was just as worthy of it as anybody else. Most foster children are mainstreamed into public schools and are socialized as much as possible. I could see Blair looking at the other kids in second grade and wondering what it would be like to go home to a family, to have her mother bake her a cake on her birthday and remind her how lucky they were to have her in their life. She also craved a father, one that would pick her up and kiss her scraped knees, wrap his arms around her and shield her from the world. A girls first love is always her father, and Blair had no father, she still doesn't. I could imagine that Blair at one point or another, decided that God in his cosmic knowledge, decided that she was not good enough to deserve the things that most children took for granted. Blair is a fighter and she'd fight God himself to prove otherwise, it's just part if who she is. I suspect she learned to fight early on as a foster child, trying to hold onto anything that she perceived to be hers. Unlike Todd, Blair never knew love; unlike Todd, not ever experiencing it, made it a little less painful to live without it. It also made it a great mystery to her. Blair learned to be pragmatic about love. Maybe it wasn't as good as everybody thought that it was, but she took it for what she saw it as. She confused it with sex, she confused it with the security that she never had growing up, she confused it with acceptance, because she'd never really had that either. She learned to be the lone wolf, to take for herself what no one would give her. Blair will always be good at making due, taking what she gets and being grateful for it. Something, is always better than nothing. Todd met Blair at a time when he was at a very low point. The very things that he'd used to define himself, were absent from his life. It would be a safe bet, to think that Todd's football star status was his way of receiving what he couldn't get otherwise. Alumni, patting him on the back, telling him how he'd saved the big game. It must have been heaven for him to know that Peter Manning was back in Chicago, with newspaper clippings from Llanview proclaiming his son as Llanview University's great hope for the playoffs, the savior of a less than stellar football team. Todd's football star status brought him admiration from the University alumni, status as the biggest man on campus and the most important thing in the world, Peter Manning's pride and his joy. When Todd raped Marty Saybrooke, Peter was more concerned that he got caught, than that Todd had actually raped her. He derided Todd for being not man enough to get a woman any other way besides against her will, then chided him for getting caught. Peter was most angry that Todd had fallen from grace at school, and screwed up his only chance at success, superstar status on the football team. That was the only part of Todd that made Peter proud and Todd knew that. Todd told Blair in the park one night that he felt he'd been cut loose after Peter died, "dangling by a string", were his words. Peter Manning was dead, and Todd had no clue how to define himself. The things that he'd held dear were gone. His jock status, his father to live up to, his friends who wanted nothing to do with him after he'd raped Marty in such a brutal way. Those alumni who bought him beers and slapped him on the back for being the star, were gone and probably embarrassed by his acts. He had been raised in an upper middle class household, abusive that it was, he was used to having money, security, all that was gone. He had nothing, but a lot of self-loathing for ruining his own life. I could even see him feeling some guilt over Peter dying, because brutal that Peter was, Todd loved him as we all love our parents, whether they treat us well or not. Blair was disillusioned and bitter, she'd come back to Llanview to take another shot at love. She'd realized too late that she'd thrown away what she'd always craved because she didn't recognize it for what it was. She'd come back and found Max happily married to someone else. He'd drifted into her world, but he'd left her world to go back to be with his wife. Max knew all about that illusive thing called love and he didn't have it with Blair. She was on the outside looking in again and it must have been painful and she blamed herself. I could see Blair promising herself that the very next time she thought she had it, she'd hang onto it for dear life. She thought she had it with Cord, and she was hanging onto it for all she was worth. There was no price was too high, no sacrifice to big, to hold onto love. Blair didn't value herself very much, she had no reason to. So, if it meant becoming someone else, changing who she was to be worthy, it wasn't a great loss. Maybe if she were a different person, she'd be worthy, so she listened to Cord when he schooled her on how she could be a better person than she obviously was. She did her damnedest to be a woman that Cord Robert's could love. I had to smile when Todd called her Mama Daimler and snickered. It was cruel, but it was true, Todd saw her for what she was and Blair could never be Mrs. Cord Roberts for any amount of time, she'd revert to form and fall from Cord's grace. She didn't like Todd for knowing that, because on some level, she knew it was true. She knew in her heart, that if Cord ever figured out who Blair Daimler really was, he'd want nothing to do with her, but she was just sure that if she tried hard enough, she could prove Todd and the rest of the world wrong. She did deserve a good life, and she was going to have it, one way or the other. She wore her beauty like a mask because she didn?t think much of what lived inside of her. Her bravado and confidence, was her way of not letting people in. She didn't want anybody to know how unworthy she really was. That foster home background and the rejection that a life like that brings, was in her past. Blair doesn't look back, it hurts and Blair doesn't do pain. She is a little the shallow side. If Blair were any deeper, I think it would be a flood of unwanted feelings and a little more loss of control than Blair could take. She's a control freak for good reason. Cord wasn't as much about the money as it was that feeling of belonging. It hurt Blair for anybody to think that she wasn't good enough for Cord, she had to believe that she was because if she wasn't, she'd be on the outside looking in again, and that was all too painful. Max flaunted her unworthiness, probably in an effort to satisfy Luna. He didn't want Luna to even think that he could ever have with Blair what they shared. Not only did Max make sure to tell Blair how unworthy she was of his love; in his jealousy, he loved to tell her that she was also unworthy of Cord's love. Max threw Blair away, but couldn't let go enough, to allow anybody else to have her either. He blamed her for his unfaithfulness to Luna, because he was too much of a coward to take any responsibility for it. Luna allowed it, because she loved him too much to think otherwise. I think Blair had a desperate need to prove Max wrong. Not only would she prove that she was worthy of love, she'd prove that she was worthy of the love of somebody that she saw as Max's better, Cord Roberts. The fact that Cord was Max's best friend was the cherry on the sundae for her. Cord was loved by all who knew him, if Blair won his love, she'd never be on the outside again. She'd be all that she wanted to be her whole life. Because Todd knew that love could save him, he fell for Rebecca and he fell hard. He wrapped his hopes and dreams in her. She was his redemption, just as Bitsy's love could have been his redemption had she stayed in his life. Rebecca was good, Todd loved her goodness. He loved her hope for him and because she loved him so much, he couldn't turn away from it. He gave her his heart, alas, she was like Bitsy, she couldn't bear him as Peter had always told him that it was Todd's fault that Bitsy had run. She ran from him, leaving him with his heart on his sleeve. He was heartbroken, disillusioned and bitter. He was angry with himself because he knew that it was his manipulation of Rebecca that made her run. He'd used her horribly, and didn't bother to care about it until it was too late. He loathed himself for who he was, because he had scared Rebecca away. He was alone because of who he was and who he'd always be. The day that Todd and Blair met at Rodi's, they saw kindred spirits in each other. They bonded on their disgust at being vulnerable to anybody. Oh, how they hated that love song playing on the jukebox, they both knew that love was not what it was cracked up to be. People who love you, leave. People who see your vulnerability, use you. People that you love, only break your heart. Let's be pals, have a few beers, have a few laughs because investing in somebody hurts like hell. They wanted nothing to do with that. Blair was different than any woman that Todd had ever met, she was cold as ice. He never saw her vulnerability, because she had such a facade of toughness. All of Llanview cringed when Todd Manning walked into the room, he was used to it. Blair didn't cringe, at least not outwardly, because she never let anybody see that she was vulnerable. Todd was not that different from her, she didn't repulse him, he liked her. Somewhere along the line, I think it was fascinating to the two of them that they didn't repel and disgust each other, because they certainly had that effect on everybody else. I think that being Todd Manning's friend reinforced that feeling of invulnerability that Blair needed to survive in the world. Being Blair's friend reinforced that need for Todd to be with somebody who didn't seem threatened by him. He made her smile and I can imagine that making a beautiful girl smile, was a big thing for Todd. Had Blair gone to college, she could have very well been the cheerleader from hell. God knows, she's perky, if she's anything. Blair had a certain coolness that Todd probably wanted to emulate. She laughed when she told Todd how she'd almost killed Asa. He said, "I like that," and laughed. She was probably the first person that he'd ever met that didn't judge him and he returned the favor. They had a fast friendship, they couldn't seem to help it. They shared gallows humor with their Most Pathetic game and in reality, it was their way of not being so pathetic. Suddenly, it was easy to make fun of the rest of Llanview, it was probably cathartic. It's much easier to make fun of people than to be painfully aware of not fitting in. Rather than allowing themselves to be sad about not being able to grasp the secrets to good living that the rest of Llanview seemed to know, they decided that they wanted no part of it. They bonded on that and it never really stopped them from wanting it, it just made it a little less painful, because at least they had each other. Blair never wanted to change Todd, because if she did, she was sure that he'd join the rest of Llanview and hate her. Todd needed Blair to be who she was, because she'd only realize what a horrible person he really was and walk away from him, like his mother did. Neither one of them would want to love one such as themselves, they tended to strive for people that they saw as better than themselves. It's a recurrent theme with the both of them. Blair did a terrible thing to Todd when she faked that pregnancy. In spite of her relationships with Max and Cord, no man had ever shared a part of themselves with her. Todd shared his dream of being a father with her, being a better man than Peter was. He wanted to throw his heart and soul at that child, give that child all that he didn't have. Blair bought a clue and realized what she'd done was horribly wrong, but it was too late, at least in her eyes. Todd loved Blair before she loved him. Blair didn't know how to love, Todd did. He loved her for daring to carry his child. He loved her for being able to bear him, and he loved her because she was unafraid of him. The longer that Blair and Todd were together during that fake pregnancy, the more Blair learned about love and the more she realized what she'd done by lying to him about that. She learned what it meant to be loved that day in the hospital after she'd lost their first baby, Todd bore her wrath, he held her in spite of her anger and pain. He loved her until it hurt, it was natural for him. It was unnatural to Blair that anybody would bear her pain like that, she started to realize what she had in him. No man ever had ever loved her enough to bear her heartache and her wrath. That's orchids to Blair, because he didn't turn away from her, he held her, then he waited for her to get over it. He was patient with her, he asked nothing of her, and he told her that it wasn't the baby that kept him with her, it was her. No man had ever loved Blair just for herself. I think it was a concept that was hard for her to grasp, but she learned to accept it. That night that he told her loved her, the night that Starr was conceived, she was on the verge of telling him about the faked pregnancy, because she was sure that Max would tell him. Losing Todd was her greatest fear, because he was her first taste of real unselfish love. He reached out to her and he caught her when she stumbled. Todd knew love when he felt it, Bitsy taught Todd how to love. I'll never buy that Todd Manning doesn't know how to love, although he certainly knows how not to love. When Todd found out about Blair's lie, he ditched her like a hot potato, and I couldn't blame him for that. It was his greatest dream, used to make a few bucks. Blair begged him, then realized that anybody who could do to somebody what she'd done to Todd, probably didn't deserve that kind of love and she stepped back. She stopped chasing him, she fought him for what was hers in the marriage and tried to go on. She was pregnant with Starr and she never told him. She considered an abortion, then backed away, she considered using the baby as a way of getting to his cash, but she never considered using that baby to get to his heart, because she'd been there, done that. She didn't see herself as ever being in Todd's heart again and she accepted it. Blair respected why Todd ditched her, and I think she believed she deserved to be ditched. She didn't question him and she didn't fight him, except for what she saw as her's, before they were married. Todd dangled by his string, once again, he was alone. He walked through life in a fog without her. He trashed her in his anger. He trashed her with all the wrath he could muster for hurting him like she did. He couldn't destroy her, but neither could he satisfy his need to hate her. Blair is the one person in the world that Todd has never been able to bring himself to hate, in spite of his best efforts. In the end, he gives her, her due. Just as he did that day at Dorian's when he told her that he did remember what they had and offered her joint custody of Starr. She never leaves, she distances herself from him, but whenever he takes a minute to look up, she's always there and she has always accepted what he's given her, good or bad. She's a stable influence in his life, whether they're in love or working on hatred. No other woman has ever borne his wrath and stuck around to tell about it, but Blair. She is every bit as tough as he is, maybe tougher. Araby was such a wonderful analogy for who Todd and Blair were. Todd is such a prickly bastard, he's hell to love. Araby was a lot like Todd. Nobody wanted to get near Araby, because he was too wild, too mean. Araby didn't want people near him, and even the stable hand warned that this one was too wild for anybody. Blair looked at Araby, fell in love, reached out with no fear and loved him. Araby reacted in kind and accepted Blair's affection. I think Todd realized that no matter how prickly he was, Blair would always reach out to him, just because of who she was. He also realized that if he wanted Blair in his life, he would have to tell her. I will always believe that Blair had more guilt over that pregnancy lie than she could bear to say. When he left her, she saw it as her just deserts and respected it, she took what was hers and walked away. It wasn't her call to fight for their marriage, since she was the one who destroyed the trust. I think that Todd knew that too, because the minute that he told her that he wanted her, she gave herself to him without question, her only doubt was that he would really want her back. She made him say it, she has her own walls, he said it and she was his again. The few weeks in between them getting back together and Todd's death in Ireland, was some of the best parts of Todd and Blair. The walls were down, they reveled in each other. They shared their dreams, they shared their happiness, they talked about how they'd raise their baby together and give it all the love that they had in their hearts. Todd spoke of how he'd try to go out in the world and get more, because nothing was too much for that baby and Blair. Blair talked about how she would try and live up him and to their love, they didn't want to run from it ever again. They wanted and fully expected to have a life together. It was a beautiful thing, their wedding was one of the corniest, yet most beautiful weddings I've ever seen. The most pathetic were no longer pathetic because they had each other. We all knew that such happiness was a fleeting thing for them. Todd died in Ireland and Blair lost the sparkle in her eye. I mourned Todd with Blair, I couldn't believe it was true. I wanted so much for it not to be, but it was. Blair eventually reverted to form. What good did it do for her to love and dream if it were all going to disappear in a flash, and only leave her with memories, so good that it hurt because that's all they were. Her future got shot in Ireland and she had a baby without a father. |
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| To Be Continued... |