Why am I sitting on the corner of a gas station outside of Chicago, alone, singing one of the saddest songs I know out loud? I went across the country to find out what I already know about myself deep inside. Ending up feeling alone and left out most of the time while I watch other people have someone to connect with. I watch out of the corners of my eyes because it makes me nervous to look with full observation. People upset me. I upset me. This whole vacation, meant to be freedom and adventure and social opportunity... so far has been more disappointing than anything. The people themselves are ok but everywhere I go I'm a third wheel. Every relationship has been a challenge, always ending on the same dismal note. I don't seem to learn. Never ending? cycle of my life.

Hidden in the corner. Am I feeling sorry for myself or do I "need some time alone"? Time alone is bullshit because I feel alone most of the time I'm with people so I guess when I go away I'm really just testing people's limit. I hate when I'm sitting away alone and no one comes for me. When I don't feel missed. That is why I dislike people. I have learned from them to be insensitive, selfish, and empty.

And they came back laughing and smiling and didn't take notice of me, sitting here in the corner where they left me.

July 99