Note: Written for
another challenge at PoTL. The requirements were a closed door, a
broken promise and to be written in first person. It’s
from Joey’s POV, and it’s set at the end of Love Bites. Lyrics from song Forgive me, by Evanescence.
Can you forgive
me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
So
here I am, staring at his door, trying to find some courage to knock and face
him again. Why do I always have to go on the same vicious circle and push away
good things in my life? Maybe because I know I will loose them anyway. See, I
lost Mom to cancer, then Dad to prison.
“So, hypothetically speaking, if I ever
found my self on a sailboat again and asked the woman I love to come with me,
would she?”
“You wouldn’t have to ask, Pace.”
One
can say there’s no boat to go sailing, but boats were
always a metaphor for our relationship. We built our friendship and our love
around True Love, when the boat sank; it was like the beginning of the end for
us. When he broke up with me, he sailed away on a boat, taking part of me with
him. This time, he asked for another chance, although I told him he wouldn’t
have to and I pushed him away the meanest way possible. “I don’t feel it, Pacey”. It was not the first time I ever broke a
promise made to him, but when he came back saying he still owed me a dance, I
saw so much pain in his eyes, pain that I’ve caused. I felt bad when I lied to
What the hell is
wrong with me? Eddie? I knew the moment Pacey left me at Hailey’s dance that I
had done the worst choice in my life. However, I tried to convince myself that
Eddie was the guy I love. But then again, I was looking for the fantasy
relationship. I went to his house, and the moment he kissed me, memories came
floating to my head, and in all of them the pain I saw in Pacey’s blue eyes was
there haunting me. It was what made me realize that I don’t wanna fantasy
anymore and I don’t wanna run away from good things anymore. I wanna reality.
Pacey’s my reality. I broke the kiss, hugging Eddie.
“Eddie,
I think you should go back to LA…”
“I
thought when you came here…”
“I
needed to see it for myself, Eddie, but this, this is never going to work.”
“I guess
this is a good bye kiss then.”
“Yes,
it is. Good bye, Eddie.” Then I left, relieved, knowing that I was at least
running to love, not away from it.
I
tried to call Pacey several times, but the answering machine picked all times.
I know he’s not going to answer me, and if I were him , I wouldn’t wanna see my
face for a while. But I can’t let him do it. I wanna go on that boat again, for
good, and if he doesn’t want me to, I will go swimming after him, until he’s
convinced that I regret what I did tonight. That’s really easy to say, but I
can’t even find the strength to knock at his door. Oh, c’mon, do it by once,
Potter, I tell myself.
He
opens the door and I can tell by his breath he has been drinking. He tries to
slam it on my face, but I don’t let him.
“Pacey,
please,” I beg.
“What
do you want, Potter? You ripped off my heart tonight; you have to rub in it a
little more? Or you came to pour salt on my wounds by telling me about how wonderful
was your reunion with Eddie guy?” He asks me bitterly and leaves the door
opened, pouring himself some more vodka.
“You
are drunk!” I say, defeated by his words, knowing he has all rights to be
pissed off, but in a way relieved, he let me in, as I close the door behind me.
“Flashing
news to you, huh? Tell me something I don’t know, Jo,” he drinks his glass in
one sip, without looking at me. He falls on the couch, turning the monstrous TV
on.
“I’m
sorry, Pace.”
“You
really thing that by saying ‘I’m sorry’
you can erase all the past?”
“Pacey,
I was wrong ok? I knew the moment I told you those things, but you know I’m
stubborn to admit it, especially to you.”
“Frankly,
my dear, I don’t give a damn anymore on what you say or don’t.” He keeps his gaze
fixed at the TV.
“You
don’t give a damn? So I must assume there’s no reason for you to get drunk
tonight?” I can’t hold the sarcasm in my voice.
“Joey,
I’m really tired of all this…I can’t keep on putting my heart on a line for you
to step on it, I can’t do this to myself anymore. So go back to your Eddie and
let me here, I guarantee I will survive.”
“No,
I won’t, Pace, you know why? There’s no Eddie guy, Pacey, there never was
really.” I kneel before him, trying to look at his face.
“What the fuck you wanna say here, Jo? I’m tired of you playing games with my
heart, my head.”
“I’m
taking all back, Pace.”
“Taking
what back?” He is now looking at me.
“What
I said tonight, Pacey…You were right, I pushed you away, ‘cause
I don’t like dealing with reality, and you are too real for me and what I
feel…”
“Wait
a sec, Jo, you don’t feel it, isn’t it?” He adds
ironically.
“I lied, Pace. I still feel it. I’ve felt it for so long,
although I tried to deny it, refused to acknowledge it, but I still feel it,” I
say, fighting back the tears.
“Feel
what, Jo? The need to hurt me?”
“I
feel alive when I’m with you,” I feel the tears running; I can’t
fight them anymore. I put my hand on his knee to find some support.
He
stands up, almost making me fall. He goes and opens the door.
“Joey,
please, leave. I can’t do this anymore.”
“No,
Pacey, I won’t leave,” I stand in front of him, my eyes scanning his, trying to
find some compassion in them and finding none. “I love you.”
“I
don’t believe in you anymore,” he says coldly. “Now go,” he grabs my arm,
trying to push me out his place.
I
put my arms over his shoulders, burying my head in the space between his head
and his neck.
“Please,
Pacey, listen to me…” I whisper through my tears.
Each time I say
something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose
you."
But somehow I know that you will never need me again
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm
sorry.
Can you forgive me again
you’re my one true friend
and I never meant to hurt you
He
pushes me away, but suddenly he holds me again, it seems that my body against his
spoke louder than anything else I could say. I feel
his mouth on mine, his tongue parting my lips, demanding, his teeth biting my
lips, but I don’t care, I know he needs to release all the anger and
frustration I caused. He closes the door with his foot, and presses me against
it. I feel his hands running roughly all over my body, and I can’t stand still
anymore. I start to unbutton his shirt, feeling the skin beneath my fingers
when I get rid of it. He takes it as a cue, and soon most of my clothes are
being thrown away all over the place. He manages to unclasp my bra, and his
mouth finds its descending way, first sucking and licking my throat and then a
feel him pinch my nipples, and his tongue tasting them. I moan softly, when I
hear his tormented whisper.
“Joey,
make me stop, please, ‘cause I can’t.”
I
lift his head, for the first time our eyes meet each other’s.
“I
don’t want you to stop, ever,” I reply huskily.
He
kisses me again, but now there’s no anger anymore in
his kisses, it’s tender, loving, it’s still passionate, but the anger’s gone
away. He lifts me in his arms, taking me to his bedroom. We take off the rest
of the clothes that still remained, not a word spoken, but the way our hands
touch each other talk about love and forgiveness. I run my hand on his chest,
learning again the lines of his body, I kiss very place my hand touches, making
him groan. I feel his arousal; I touch him, stoking him slowly, and lower my
head so I can have him in my mouth, teasing him with my tongue, while my hands
grab his ass. I feel his hands on my hair, trying to pull me off, so I look
into his eyes and again, without a word I know what he wants. I lay back down
and he comes over me, kissing my throat, my breasts, making me shiver and moan
uncontrollably. I feel his fingers searching between my legs, teasing me, I
feel him slide a finger then two inside of me, and I close my eyes, feeling the
tingling all over. He kisses his way down , and soon his fingers are replaced
by his tongue, teasing me, tasting me, I try to fight it, but I can’t, I feel my orgasm running all
over my body. He comes over me with a grin on his face, kissing all his way
back to my mouth.
“So
you don’t feel it, huh?” He whispers.
“Pacey,
don’t tease me now…I need you…” I reply panting.
He
lets out a chuckle, searches his nightstand for a condom, but I stop him.
“No,
Pacey…” I buck my hips against his.
“But,
Jo...we need it,” he manages to speak.
“No,
we don’t, I’ve been on the pill for a while.”
It’s all
that it takes…I finally feel him filling me. We hold each other’s hands as he
thrusts slowly at first and then faster as the need of release rises. Soon I’m
coming again, and he soon follows me, crying out my name. We don’t change our
position. He stands over me for a while, as we try to catch our breaths back.
He raises his head from my neck, his hand takes off a strand of hair that is
over my face like he did the very first time we made love, his eyes full of the
same love I saw that night. He smiles and rolls over, but brings me close to his
heart as we snuggle together.
“So,
I guess I am forgiven, huh?” I look at
his face adoringly and smile.
“You‘ll
be the death of me one day, Potter,” he sighs.
“You
knew I would come back, didn’t you?” I tease.
“This
time, I didn’t…I had hope that sense would hit you in one way or another and
you would be here, begging for my love,” he winks at me.
“You
find yourself irresistible, don’t you?” I hit his chest lightly.
“Not
for all, just for you,” he gives me his best cocky smile.
“Oh,
you big….” I try to say something, but his mouth comes over mine in a searing
kiss.
“I
love you, Jo…I know I might regret this, I know I might get my heart broken all
over again, but God help me, I wanna you like this forever.”
“I
wanna this too, Pace. I love you.”
He
holds me tighter, kisses my forehead gently, and puts the comfort over us. Soon
we both drift to sleep, the first peaceful sleep I had in ages. I know we will
have tough times in front of us, but it doesn’t matter anymore, as long we’re
together, I feel like I can face everything. I wake up the morning after still
in his arms. I tilt my head a little from his shoulder to meet his eyes.
“Good
morning, beautiful.”
“Good
morning” I kiss him softly. “How long have you been awake?”
“Long
enough to convince myself that I wasn’t dreaming…” I feel his hands wandering
as he kisses me, the kiss soon escalating more and more passionate, when we
hear something.
“Holy
shit!!!” Jack’s voice comes from the doorframe from
Pacey’s room.
We both
raise our heads, breaking the kiss and trying to cover us the best we can, to
face Jack, Jen and Dawson staring at us, mouths opened in surprise. I blush,
feeling that I turned seven shades of red all over my body and I can say Pacey
is as well as embarrassed as me. I look at them and smile open wide.
“Jackers,
can you please close this door? We are in the middle of something here.” I know
they’re shocked, but I prefer to ignore that, I have more important things to
do. I turn back to Pacey and look to him devilishly.
“So
where were we?” I kiss his neck and nip his earlobe.
“Jo,
they are all out there…,” he groans, trying to resist.
“Pacey,
can you please shut up and kiss me?”
And
that he happily obeyed.