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HOW TO SPOIL A BABY
Teach him to be comforted by things rather than human beings. Make sure he has a good supply of pacifiers and stick one in his mouth every time he cries. If he still cries, put him in a swing or bouncy seat. If he keeps crying, he still hasn't gotten the message that you're unavailable, but don't worry -- he'll figure it out. Try getting one of those bears that duplicate the sound of a heartbeat; maybe he'll get attached to it and leave you alone. If not, sit him in front of the TV.
Let him learn as soon as possible that he's all alone in this cruel world. Following rule number one will help impart this information, but you can greatly enhance the learning experience by ignoring his cries as much as possible. This will help him understand that nobody else is interested in his well-being and that it's up to him to look out for himself.
Whatever you do, don't breast feed. Bottles are much more convenient because you can prop them and go about your business. If you breast feed, it'll make it easier for him to make selfish demands on your time.
Leave him with other people as much as you can, the more sitters you can find, the better. The less time you spend with him, the more you'll spoil his attempts to form a strong attachment with you or anyone else. Don't forget to follow rules one and two when you must spend time together.
Stick to a rigid feeding and sleeping schedule. This will enforce the lesson that his needs will be met at your convenience, not his.
Make your irritation strongly felt when you're forced to attend to him despite the fact that you're very busy. Let him know what an inconvenience it is and that you resent being interrupted. After all, you have much more important things to do, and he needs to understand that. Your job is to teach him that time is money.
Don't fail to express disgust about the dirty diapers and spit up. It's never too soon to start feeling inhibited about your body. You'll also be giving him a sense of how much you have to put up with on his behalf and how much he owes you.
Pressure and harass him when he doesn't perform as well as your friends' kids. After all you do for him, the least he could do is make you look good. Make sure all your quality time is devoted to coaching and look for toys that will let him learn stuff on his own so that you don't have to be involved.
Yell at him and punish him severely when he does something wrong. The crueler you are, the more he'll fear you and you won't have to worry about him not doing what he's told and embarrassing you in public. Don't bother baby proofing the house -- if you scream and swat at him enough he'll learn to stay away from your stuff. If he keeps hurting himself, he'll learn not to be so foolishly incautious. Why protect him from reality?
Buy him lots of toys to show that you really do care about him, even though he's such an inconvenience. Teach him the value of wearing designer clothes and having bigger, better toys than anyone else. That can be his source of self-esteem.
If you follow all these rules closely, you are pretty much guaranteed to turn out a spoiled child. His self-esteem will be spoiled and also his ability to love and trust other people. If he makes it through the teen years without falling prey to drugs and alcohol, he'll be poised to compete in the race to accrue wealth and you won't have to worry about him being sidetracked by any concerns for others. With any luck, he'll grow up to be just like you and raise his own children according to the same principles. This will ensure that future generations have the benefit of living in a selfish, detached, materialistic world. Great for the economy!