INSULTS
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Mrs. Teasdale:
He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]:
A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I didn't
like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was
up.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Time wounds all heels.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.