GRINNING ELMOS



The coveted Grinning Elmo Lincoln Awards were carefully considered during the AMC Tarzan Marathon weekend. Awards were given only to movies shown in the AMC marathon. (Left out, for example, was the award for Best Leak on an Ape's Head, which would have been won by "Greystoke." Bo Derek would also have gotten serious consideration for the Best Jane Costume.) Tarzan movie expert Matt Winans contributed to this list. Feel free to submit more awards of your own.

The winners
AwardWinnerHonorable Mention
Most Ridiculous Animal Ride Gordon Scott hopping onto a giraffe in "Tarzan and the Trappers." Elmo Lincoln on that elephant's head in "Tarzan of the Apes."
Tallest Hair Gordon Scott, "Tarzan's Hidden Jungle." The blonde in "Tarzan and the Valley of Gold"
Biggest Loin Cloth Johnny Weissmuller, "Tarzan and the Mermaids." (This picture also won for Most Creative Use of a Chimp to Hide Beer Belly.) None
Most Painful Loin Cloth Wedgie Buster Crabbe, "Tarzan the Fearless." None
Most Ludicrous Loin Cloth The one on Cheta in "Tarzan's Fight for Life." Jock Mahoney, "Tarzan's Three Challenges"
Most Furry Loin Cloth Elmo Lincoln, "Tarzan of the Apes." Mike Henry's chest.
Best Jane Costume Maureen O'Sullivan, "Tarzan and His Mate." Maureen O'Sullivan's nude body double, "Tarzan and His Mate"
Worst Jane Costume Enid Markey, "Tarzan of the Apes." None
Best Villain Slade, "Tarzan's Greatest Adventure." ("You forget. I used to know him.") "Tarzan's Three Challenges"
Best Villain Death The slimy cave of carnivorous reptiles, "Tarzan Escapes." Dino in the quicksand, "Tarzan's Greatest Adventure" and the giant pot of boiling water, "Tarzan's Three Challenges."
Wost Song Lyrics The "I am Benji" song, by Benji, in "Tarzan and the Mermaids" The "Birds Fly Out of My Throat" song, by Jane, in "Tarzan's Fight For Life."
Best Inspiration for "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" "Tarzan and the Lost Safari" -- Collapsed rope bridge with natives throwing spears from the other side "Tarzan and the Great River" -- Pepe and Captain Sam playing cards, like Indy and the kid
Best Time For A Yodel Johnny Weissmuller, in "Tarzan Escapes," while inside a cage tumbling down a cliff. Boy, trapped in a spider web with big fat, fake tarantulas approaching, "Tarzan Finds a Son!"
Best non-Jane Heroine Angie, "Tarzan's Greatest Adventure." Zandra, "Tarzan Triumphs"
Best Cryptic Reference to Cannibals Gordon Scott, in "Tarzan's Greatest Adventure," -- "As long as we're alive there's nothing to fear." None
Best Impromptu Weapon A giant 10-foot Coke bottle, Mike Henry, "Tarzan and the Valley of Gold." Also wins for Most Obvious Product Endorsement. A cactus, Slade, "Tarzan's Greatest Adventure."
Best Weapons That Inspired a Series of Nightmare on Elm Street Movies Claws of the Leopard Men, "Tarzan and the Leopard Woman." Barkuna's poison jaguar back-scratcher claw, "Tarzan and the Great River"
Best Cheta Prank In "Tarzan's Magic Fountain," drinking the elixir of youth intended as a gift for Jane and turning into a little monkey instead of a baby chimp. Stealing turbans, "Tarzan's Desert Mystery"
Best Dressed in the Jungle Brenda Joyce as Jane wearing pumps on the way to the treehouse in "Tarzan and the Amazons" Ames wearing coat and tie while being trailed by the Banton boys in "Tarzan the Magnificent."
Best Fashion Advice Jane, in "Tarzan's New York Adventure"
JANE: "You can't go looking for Boy with wet clothes on."
TARZAN (in shower with new suit on): "Why?"
JANE: "It just isn't done, that's all."
none
Wimpiest Moment for Tarzan Jock Mahoney, jumping into a tree after seeing a snake and then running into a snare set by a kid in "Tarzan Goes to India." Johnny Weissmuller, "Tarzan's Desert Mystery." Can't escape from a jail cell where there is a wide open window and plenty of building ornamentation to climb down.
Best Native Dance Beat "Tarzan and the Leopard Woman." "Tarzan and the Jungle Boy"

Most Pathetic Attempt at an ERB Reference
Gordon Scott, "Tarzan and the Lost Safari," explaining that he was raised by Kerchak the she-ape. Boy's real father is the favorite nephew of the Earl of Greystoke, "Tarzan Finds a Son!"
Best Non-ERB Ape Word

Don't know the meaning of 'nipadoo,' but it sent Boy, Tarzan and Cheta into hysterics in "Tarzan Finds a Son!"
"Umgowa" -- a good all-around word that can mean everything from "Raise the elevator," to "Go back into that slimy cave of carnivorous reptiles."
Best Dive From Very High Bridge Johnny Weissmuller, "Tarzan's New York Adventure." Glenn Morris, "Tarzan's Revenge" and Jock Mahoney, bungee jumping in "Tarzan's Three Challenges."
Most Abrupt Ending "Tarzan of the Apes." The marathon
The "Joe Lara" Award for Worst Tarzan Footwear Johnny Weissmuller's now-you-see-them, now-they're-flapping-hideously, now-you-don't sandals in "Tarzan and the Mermaids Lex Barker's bedroom slippers
Best Rubber Actor Saidi, while tied to the tree with the lions jumping on him, in "Tarzan and his Mate" The rubber Tarzan that rides the croc in "Tarzan and his Mate." (A scene so good it was used in three movies.)
Tarzan Most in Need of Hair Gel Herman Brix
Tarzan Least in Need of Hair Gel Mike Henry
Best Leopard Men Impression by a Fan George McWhorter. Look at that CLAW on his right thumb as he discusses the unauthorized Tarzan films in the INVESTIGATING TARZAN documentary. Yikes!
Most Annoying Marathon Host Brendan "George of the Jungle" Fraser
Most Telling Tape Sacrifice Jeff, who grabbed the first used tape he saw when he realized he was going to be short of new tapes for the marthon. Taped over "The Grapes of Wrath" with "Tarzan and the Great River" and "Tarzan and the Jungle Boy"
Most Dedicated Fan "Akut," from the ERBCOF mailing list, for telling his doctor he had to get out of the hospital early so he could watch the marathon, tripping out of his chair to change the VCR tape, and asking his 14-year-old daughter to continue taping the movies if he dies before the marathon ends. Would have gotten extra credit for killing the cat that stepped on the remote and stopped the tape with 10 minutes of "Tarzan Escapes" left.


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