STD 49803.28 Holodeck 1, USS Alliance Commander Cam MacLaughlin and Lt. Cmdr. Jesse Sanchez stood at the door of the holodeck. Sanchez still had the Lee Enfield rifle slung over his shoulder wearing the grim expression that he'd put on earlier in the day. He glanced at MacLaughlin who stood not reaching his shoulder with the bottle dangling from her fingers, three glasses in her arm. Her long hair pulled into a painfully tight braid and dressed in her dress uniform. They had finished funeral detail, Jesse firing the ancient customary salute with the rifle that had not been fired in several hundred years. He had meticulously cleaned and finished restoration of the gun after the fight with Khynah, and hearing of the death of Cams brother Peter. They had attended a small wake in Jake's and neither had changed or put things away.

Jesse had no concrete feelings about the rather short dark-haired Captain. He resembled his sister in build. He had built a reputation aboard the Lovell, and before that the Columbia. He had not been a captain for very long . He had not been married long, either, just a year, to Cam's arguably best friend, Kate.

He knew that just beyond the holodeck doors Kate was still sitting on the grassy bluff overlooking the simulated Pacific Ocean where they had held the funeral earlier. She had excused herself from the wake saying she just needed time to think.

Jesse glanced at Cam, "I¹m surprised she's still here, she hates the holodeck."

"Only when she gets scared." Cam sighed and looked at the quart of single malt scotch in her hand. Cam thought about the holodeck for a moment. It was true it was OK for her if the activity was just fun and controlled, but take away the fun and inject reality, she didn¹t do too well.

"you're sure about this?" Jesse wondered, looking at the bottle as well.

"It what Peter wanted, an agreement that we made when I graduated from the Academy, when he was nothing but a rube Lieutenant serving on a that flea-infested Comm station. 'Drink a bottle of Glen Lochmoor,'he said, 'drink it and pee on my grave! Because its the closest Ill get to it!' Now are you joining me for this or not?"

"Yeah, I¹m not a scotch person but Ill do it. For you and Kate, I cant see you drinking alone."

They walked in and found Kate in the grass, her copper hair fluttering in the breeze. Cam handed her a glass and opened the bottle. Kate looked at her with a question and smoothed an errant curl.

"Peters wish," Cam replied.

Kate nodded looking at the amber fluid. It smelled like iodine and left a raw burn in her throat upon swallowing. She made a face and sighed.

Jesse settled beside her and lit a cigar. It was not one of his usual smokes, this one rather large with a dark wrapper. He usually had small thin ones that he kept in an old fashioned wooden box in the living room. His one bad habit, his vice. One that few people shared or tolerated. He only settled with a smoke with Cam and Kate, or in the privacy of his quarters which he had set up with extra filters on the air circulation system, knowing that he would offend someone somewhere. He was also careful with his cloths being sure they didn¹t lie around to smell.

He placed a hand on Kate's after she had set the glass down. "How ya doin'?"

"I¹m ok. I¹ve thought this through, and its probably better. We talked about this in San Francisco." she reminded him softly.

"I know I thought maybe something had changed." he said slowly letting the smoke leak from his lips.

"No nothings changed. Never again Jesse. I¹m never going to loose my heart again. Maybe that¹s the one thing I am changing."

"You said that," he remarked still turning things in his mind, " I think you said you were going to think with your head and not your heart."

"I¹m going to. Everyone's been nice and it bothers me to think ..."

"What? That they wouldn't have been quite so kind if they knew the facts? Hell, that¹s what heroism does. Never mind Kate, just you stick to your guns and do what you feel is right. If talking to Montgomery about things is what you need to do then do it. If quitting Starfleet is what you need to do then do it."

"Starfleet is the only home I¹ve had Jesse. Ever since the day I walked out of the bar and onto the Bozeman, its been my life. I cant walk away! I wouldn't begin to know where to go."

"You know everyone's kind to you because you're kind to them, ever thought of that?"

"No I hadn't. But I don¹t know how to treat people any other way. That¹s why the prison camp bothers me so."

"Well that isn¹t an issue now. Starfleet is trying to change all that." Jesse assured her.

"Its going to be a long fight I¹m afraid. There's so much we don¹t know." Cam suddenly remarked refilling everyone's glasses.

Jesse grunted as he brought the glass to his lips, "Humph, taint that the truth."

They sat in their individual silences for a while.

Cam suddenly sighed looking at the bottle, "I don¹t know why, but Peter and I hadn't really spoken in years and yet I still feel alone."

"I feel like I can move on that the book is closed," Kate sighed.

"What about Earth? Mom and Dad?' Cam wondered.

"Ill deal with that when it happens," she said softly.

"Bridge to MacLaughlin," Cam's commbadge suddenly twittered breaking her thoughts.

"What is it?" she wondered fighting the urge to swear.

"The Sensor array specs and calibrations are done, You asked me to inform you when they were complete. You also have an incoming personal communiqué from DS13."

"Right, Ill be up to look over the sheets. Out." She stood looking peeved.

Jesse looked at her and snorted, "Never ends does it?"

"The weight of promotion." she sighed. "Ahh hell, Peter told me that there would be days like these. Ill be back as soon as I can."

Kate watched her leave, "What did she mean by that?"

"Lets see,"he paused a moment thinking about what to say exactly. "she was helping replace some modules earlier and they kept shorting out, Then it was this shindig. She's been in a foul temper."

"Are she and Iggy..?" Kate wondered thinking about San Francisco.

"An item?" Jesse wondered. "I suspect that¹s something from Iggy. DS13? He's there doing something, contract engineering I think."

"How utterly droll."

"You ain't kidding. I think as soon as he's back on Earth with his butt up a mast, he'll be happy. He has not been particularly happy on the station, I think it has to do a lot with his boss and there being no water...except in the pool or a glass. But he wouldn't admit it to your face, no sir."

"Jesse how come you never talked about the MVP or your Olympic Gold medal?"

"I dunno I don¹t like to brag," he shrugged and grew quiet.

"But you won a medal, for diving and you never are in the pool. I¹ve never seen you dive and I¹ve never seen you even jump off the side." she pointed out.

"I haven't wanted to swim in a long time. Certainly never the boards." he shook his head.

She studied his crewcut as he looked out to the ocean, flopped comfortably in the grass. He suddenly looked at her as he took a sip of the scotch.

"What are you thinking?" he wondered studying her expression.

"There's a lot I don¹t know about you." she responded thinking about the diving medal and the other things she found in his room at his brothers house in San Francisco.

"I can say the same. Like I always wondered about why you joined Starfleet and what it was like to serve back then. Who you left behind and.--"

"Please its not as great as you might think." she smiled then it faded as another thought crossed her mind. "Peter never asked and I never knew why."

"Did you love him? I know I probably asked you that in San Francisco but I cant remember what your answer was."

"Did I love him? I suppose I did, somewhere deep down. Otherwise I don¹t think I would have jumped at the chance to marry him."

"Was it love or being a Captain's wife?"

"Jesse that isn¹t fair." she protested.

"No you're right it isn¹t. I just wondered." he shrugged.

"You didn¹t just wonder, " insisted with a course frown. "You usually don¹t ask a question without reason."

"Then what were you running away from?" He wondered in return. He felt some anger and it hinted in his voice.

"I wasn't running from anything! Your questions have a really mean edge to them." she retorted.

"I¹m sorry," he muttered. "I just felt as if you never really loved him and you were trying to run from me."

"I wasn't running from you!" she insisted sounding and feeling rather indignant. "This isn¹t about you."

"Kaye before you shut yourself off, please give me a chance? Just give me a chance?"

"What do you mean?" she wondered at his sudden change.

"Kaye if you don¹t know what I mean then--"

"Alright," she said slowly not believing her ears that she was agreeing to this. Her mind whirled and she became aware of the feeling of overwhelming dread. Her mouth and her mind were not working in sync, she had to escape, she had to run. She felt boxed, trapped.

She glanced at him for a long moment and in her mind decided that it was time. When they reached Earth she would take bereavement leave. She was not ready to carry on she was not ready to step right back into the fire. Loosing Peter was cutting deeper then she ever suspected she thought she was over but it was like the wound reopened, it bled more profusely.

STD 49804.13 In route to Earth, Entering Sol Sector 001.

"Heavy Damage to sections on deck, 10, 11,12; Causalities reported." Sanchez relayed as the ship took another volley from the Khynah Raider they were pursuing. "Hull breech on 11."

"Modulate the screens to match their weapons," Cam ordered.

"Matching," Sanchez echoed. "Limited effectiveness."

"Target pattern epsilon, evasive maneuvers. Fire at will, Mr Sanchez."

"Firing at will," He echoed, his hands flying over the control board.

"Sensors are indicating that they are having fluctuations in their power grids, they could be overloading." the ops officer barked from his post.

"Push them," Cam cautioned, feeling yet another volley shudder the ship.

Cam swore as her fragile boards flew up in a shower of sparks. Repairs she had made were blown unable to take the overload. The science officer in charge waved at the smoke spreading the acrid nasty smell around the bridge.

"Damage report." Sinclair ordered tersely.

"They are loosing shields and warp capability. Direct hit to their engineering sections. Port nacelle is out."

"That could be us, are you sure?" Cam mummered.

"Them," Sanchez grunted. "We have 15% drop in the aft quarter shields."

"They are coming around, Pattern Omega execute." Cam warned.

"Omega," helm echoed.

"Fire at will,"

"Firing forward tubes," Sanchez reported watching his boards,"Direct hit to the living section and engineering."

"I¹m reading low energy outputs on their ship. Hold it!" the Science exclaimed her fingers flying her mind quickly studying the data before her, she'd seen this before," Their auto-destruct has been engaged!"

"Fall away helm, lets put some distance---" the flash blinded them momentarily slamming the ship with the shockwave of the device used to scuttle the ship and reduce her to incomprehensible bits of shrapnel. These bits usually bounced off the nav deflectors, with a harmless demure.

"Hard about we have one chunk coming in to the starboard forequarter! Brace for collision!"

The chunk slammed into the unprotected area of the ship where the hull breech and shields had failed. The ship rocked heavily, and the silence was deafening.

"Damage report." Sinclair ordered softly.

"Impact to the same area as the breech." Jesse finally breathed, "Sensors are clear there are no other ships in the area,"

"Full stop, let collect ourselves people." MacLaughlin ordered. "Sanchez damage control needs to coordinate with engineering. Let figure out what is damaged and how severely," She nodded.

"Yes sir," her order echoed.

She settled in the center seat. She relaxed and glanced at Jesse her fingers fussing with the armrest. She stood suddenly and ordered, "Computer: end simulation."

Jesse took a deep breath as the bridge faded and the holodeck became the yellow grid.

"Is something wrong Cam?" he wondered. "You seem rather pensive."

"I just don¹t want this to reduce to war Jess. You heard what Capt. Bowman on the Tempest said, what he found on that survey. I¹m worried Jess. I want to be the best I can if it does deteriorate. Does this sound so crazy?"

"No it certainly doesn't." he agreed.

"I¹m going to go take a shower I feel like...I smell rather ripe. Ill join you for dinner in a bit, ok?"

"Sounds fine." he shrugged wondering why she was acting like the caged tiger. It was similar to the odd mood she had been in on the Carrington, the one that lead to them fighting once again, and had led to them putting distance between themselves. What had grown between them had festered and in that one fight, had broken. This time fortunately it hadn't ended in a brawl, but the air was charged none the less. He sighed. He would just have to deal with it. Cam. Emotional and flighty at times, cold and logical at others, what a paradox. He was never quite sure where he stood with her, because it simply changed too often.

STD 49804.13 Earth Orbit

The room was dark when she walked in her eye suddenly caught by a bright glow. She walked toward it smelling the heady fragrance of the cigar. Her foot encounter something as she blindly walked forward.

"Since we began this at the science station, I¹ve known." he spoke softly, moody, from the darkness. "One of us, all of us were going to die. This isn¹t going to end."

"It will end," She answered back fiddling with her hair. 'Computer lights, 25%."

The lights came on softly he was slumped on the floor near what was left of a book case. Several books shelves, broken glass, the football everything was scattered across the faux marble floor. A baseball bat lay near his hand. His body slumped leg crossed under him. His favorite leather chair was askew and the footrest lay across the room on its side.

He had a bottle of bourbon with him as well. Cam picked it up and sighed. Finding a glass she poured herself a snort. It wasn't uncommon for an officer to have a stash of some bottle picked up somewhere. Jesse had just pulled his out.

"You OK?" she wondered sipping the warm thick tasting drink.

"It just not fair." he muttered

"Didn¹t you learn that life isn¹t fair? Here, Ill clean up, just...stay there."

"Cam you don¹t have to be nice." he admonished her sipping his glass.

"I¹m not. I just have done this, except I usually do it to people." she let a softly laugh escape, "I don¹t know which is messier."

He watched for a while, brooding in silence. His finger fiddled with the glass or the bottle, occasionally he puffed the cigar. She worked in silence sweeping picking up with a whirl of activity. Finally he held up a hand, "Stop it you're driving me crazy."

She shot him a peeved expression and continued sweeping.

"Doc says that the wounded will be out of medical in a day or two. And we are five days out of Earth." She commented as she poured some junk into the trash.

"Cam please, I don¹t want to talk." he sighed. "you're driving me crazy, would you just stop?"

"Jesse!! Dammit if I don¹t do something I'll go crazy! Look shut up because when are you going to get a free room cleaning form the worse housekeeper on the ship? Hell my laundry doesn't even make it into the recycle half the time. I¹ve got coffee mugs by my terminal I¹ve got teacups and cookie plates by my bed. I think there's an empty bowl of ice cream in the bathroom!"

He finally stood staggering slightly form a foot that fell asleep and the bourbon. "Cam just stop."

"I cant!" she snapped loudly.

He looked at her, her face was tear streaked and she wiped her nose on the sleeve of her uniform. Her cheeks looked flushed and her eyes hollow. She downed the rest of her drink and slammed down the glass on his table. She pointed at him,"Dammit Sanchez if you try and stop me..!"

"Cam!" he blurted as she made a mad dash by him to get to her broom.

He grabbed her wrist as she tried to dodge her fingers of the other hand just missing the broom. Her momentum carried her forward slamming her to the floor. Thrown off balance he fell next to her missing by fractions of an inch. His other arm landed on her gut. She let out an "UFFF!" followed by a squawk and a club to his arm. "Let go of me!" she said though gritted teeth.

"Not until you stop it. I don¹t need you cleaning up after me!"

"The hell you don¹t. Let go of me."

"Go ahead!" he snapped. He pulled her to her knees by her wrist.

She cried out,"Let go!"

She raised her free hand but he caught that wrist too. Suddenly he let go, but instead of falling his arms wrapped around her tightly. She slowly worked a hand loose and touched his chest. He was breathing hard, sweating. "Oh god what are we doing?" she wondered rubbing her face on him.

He let go and caught her hand again, he blurted in a low voice, "I¹m sorry I just so sorry."

She got up on her feet, something was grinding into her knee and it hurt. Her shoulder hurt. She fought to breath. He was still kneeling when she touched his ear first with one hand then the other. She looked down into his green eyes brimming with tears his mouth slightly open. She shook her head as if excusing a thought.

"What...?" he wondered with a mumbled whisper.

"I don¹t know Jess, I¹m so confused inside. I don¹t know if I should laugh or scream, cry or what. I feel so goddamn empty, so goddamn..."

"No fighting ...this can wait." he said softly waving a hand at what was left.

She turned and walked through the French doors that created the divider between his sleeping area and the living area. She fiddled with a leaf on the fichus tree. She glanced at his personal comm terminal. It had a message on it from Kate.

He walked quietly over and shut it off. "She dear johned me." he whispered. "I don¹t know what she's thinking, I cant make sense of it."

Cam looked at him with a startled blink. He continued to pace and went back into the living room.

"What do you mean?" Cam finally stammered.

"I mean she told me she's not going to be back she's off, no reasons just off."

She was about to follow when he brought the bottle and the glasses in from the other room and sat on his bed, pouring them another round.

"I loved her. " he whispered. He took a slow sip of the bourbon and studied a spot in the floor. "She had courage like no one I knew. I just don¹t understand her decision and she wont talk. She just walked."

"She wouldn't, she didn¹t tell me either." Cam sighed. "Like Peter, there's a sense of unreality about it. I feel so detached. I feel like I should walk into sickbay and see her standing there. I cant believe--"

"Cam lets make a pact. She wanted peace...lets not fight anymore. I don¹t want to fight."

"Neither do I." She agreed sipping the bourbon. It didn¹t even sting to swallow the liquid anymore. Her stomach felt warm. She rested her mouth and nose on her sleeve for a long moment finally drawing a shaky breath. What were they going to do? What could they do?

STD 49804.14 Starfleet HQ, San Francisco, Earth

They walked through the sunlit garden slowly, holding hands. Cam thought quietly about the voice, the simple pure voice that had sung out the hymn a capella at the grave side service. The simple pure notes from a tenor voice she didn¹t know could come from the throat of the Alliance Chief of Security.

Cam hadn¹t realize that Kate's favorite prayer, a plaque she had in her room was actually a hymn. The Prayer of St. Francis, eloquent and simple. Cam felt herself choke slightly as she thought about the words and listened to the voice.

And the pipe! The lone piper standing separated with the haunting whine, drifting on the breeze off the Bay, his kilt ruffling in that breeze.

The springtime sun was warm and the flowers now in full bloom bobbed in the slight breeze.

"The last time I was here was just after we found out about Peter." she shook her head. "So much has changed."

"Has it?" he wondered.

"you're right, maybe it hasn't after all."

She looked up to see a couple walking in front of them. The woman clutching the pale blue flag, folded neatly in a triangle to her chest. The grey haired man leaning protectively near her, his arm around her shoulders.

"They look so old, Jess." Cam spoke softly.

"Who?" he wondered, with a blink.

"My parents. " She nodded in the direction of the couple," Who else but my father would wear a full kilt to a Starfleet Funeral?"

Jesse suddenly smiled watching the elder MacLaughlins, a thousand thoughts whirling in his mind. Kate would be going home with them. Home. He gently squeezed Cams hand. "It all goes on. It all goes on."