United Federation of Planets Emblem
Star Trek Humor...

The following texts are only transcripts from other web sites. They are not authored by me.

20 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN STAR TREK

  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
  2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly alright.
  3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck and it works properly.
  4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well known old life form wearing a funny hat.
  5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sickbay.
  6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
  7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
  8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise computer, only to find out that is has forgotten to bring the right leads.
  9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.
  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence, which does not put them on trial.
  11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence, which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
  12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
  13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
  14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected to the Late 20th Century.
  15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
  16. Counselor Troi states other than the blindingly obvious.
  17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
  18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy gilt, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
  19. Spock (or Data) is fired form his high-ranking position for nor being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
  20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

THE TOP 10 WAYS TO GET RID OF WESLEY ON ST:TNG
  1. After slugging down six Shirley Temples in 10-forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit.
  2. Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
  3. Riker gets carried away an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit."
  4. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wealey, who dies of embarrasment.
  5. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired.
  6. Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
  7. On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
  8. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.
  9. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.
  10. Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply anywhere. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.


In Association with Amazon.com