Summary- Angel tells Buffy how he feels about how she has lived her life.
Note- It's a bit sad. Give me feedback
Disclaimer- I don't own the characters.
Buffy,
I know you don't want to receive this letter. To be honest I don't want to send it, but I know that if I don't do it now then you will never know the truth. No matter how painful the words might be I think you have a right to know this.
I heard from Whistler that you got married. He said that it was a beautiful wedding and you looked just like a bride should look. I didn't get an invitation, but then again I didn't expect one.
I wish I could have been there though to see you dressed up like that. I can picture it in my mind. You have your hair loose and hanging around your shoulders with tiny rose buds intertwined in it. The dress is whiter than snow and hugs the curves of your body leaving your shoulders bare. The bouquet is made of white roses that you clutch nervously in shaking hands. As you kiss the groom tears well up in your eyes for a moment, because you know that from now on you will be happy.
That was a happiness that I could never give you. I could give you whatever you desired on a gold platter, but I could never make you happy. Not like that. Never like that.
That was three years ago. Since then I have heard bits of news about you through different chains of gossip. None of it was ever very interesting, but I listened. I needed to know that you were all right. If anything happened to you I don't know what I would do.
Then one night Whistler came to town and said that you were going to have a baby. He said that you were so happy you could hardly sit still. I remembered what you looked like when you were that happy. I savored that ghostly reminder of what we used to be for a moment then asked how you were. He said you were doing fine and that they thought it might be a boy.
Soon after I heard that you were in the hospital giving birth to the baby. I wanted to hurry back to your side. I longed to see you hold the new life in your arms and smile.
I can almost see it in my minds eye. Your hair is drenched with sweat and hanging in strings about your face. Every inch of you screams at you to go to sleep, but you take no notice. The doctor lays the wailing bundle in your weary arms with care. You look into those huge blue eyes that you created and weep. With every tear you can feel the heartbeat that you are responsible for from now on. And you are happy.
That was yet another type of happiness that I could not give you. Though I wish I could. I wish that that child in your arms was mine as well. That we had made him together. But I know that could never be.
Now I suppose you want to know why I wrote this to you. You have a valid request. I t might seem that I am trying to make you sorry for me. But I am not.
The night before I left I climbed the tree outside your window and watched you sleep. I had done this so many times before, but this time it was to say goodbye. The sorrow that came over me was suffocating and I almost stayed. I almost went back to my home.
Then you rolled over to face the window and I saw your face. I cried then. Blood red tears rolled down my cheeks to the ground beneath me. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone. I could never stand to see you unhappy. And if I stayed you would never grow up. You would never have a life of your own.
So I went. I left you there to wake to the new day on your own. I knew you would miss me and that your heart would break, but I also knew that it would heal. Someone would come along and dry your tears.
However for me healing was painful and incomplete. You will never know just how much you mean to me. How often I would wander through the lonely nights crying your name to the stars. But maybe it is better that way.
You are better off without my presence in your life. You don't need the shadow of a monster hanging over your head. You need to be happy and content. You need your family. Not me.
I love you. I will always love you. But I am a coward and can never return to you. Please love your child enough for me as well.
Angel