Summary:Angel wants to be cursed again but an untimely intervention by Buffy leaves her cursed instead. She mopes around introspective and gloomy while Angel and Willow spend time reading literature together.
The Premise: Angel's soul has been restored ,but is there any reason he should be consumed with guilt? Suppose that the soul restoration is a distinct spell distinct from the gypsy curse. The Gypsies cast both spells, the restoration to give him a soul and the curse to give him a conscience. Just having a soul shouldn't mean that a person is good, there are plenty of evil humans in the world. Set some time after Lovers Walk.
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, Joss Whedon, the evil,but entertaining god of Buffyworld, does.
Willow had been spending more and more of her time in the Chemistry lab since she Cordelia had returned to their circle. Her indiscretion with Xander plagued her overactive conscience, especially when Cordy was around. And Oz was gone from her life, for good. She had inadvertently whispered Xander's name in one of their kissing sessions and he, had left without another word. She tried to tell herself that she and Xander had been friends forever, that Cordelia wasn't really a friend, but it did no good. Every time Cordelia reminder her with an offhand remark or caustic glance, Willow was reminded of her own infidelity to Oz. She found the Chem lab to be a sanctuary, of sorts. It was visited almost as infrequently as the library and she could practice her witchcraft in private.
She dropped the vial she had been preparing; it shattered on the floor and a viscous liquid sizzled and smoked on the linoleum floor. "Oh!" she stepped back quickly, then looked up, "Angel! What's wrong? Is it Buffy?"
"Buffy?" he responded. He seemed distracted. Quietly closing the doors behind him, he slipped over to Willow's side "No, nothing's wrong with Buffy. I came here to see you , I need a favor," he whispered conspiratorially.
Willow looked down and stepped back as Angel advanced. "I-I'll be happy to do whatever I can," she looked up; he was standing, way too close, "Why can't Buffy...
"I need a spell."
"Oh. I'm not supposed to cast any unauthorized spells, Angel."
He ignored her completely. "I need you to curse me."
"Curse?" he had her full attention now.
"Yeah, you know, the gypsy curse?"
"But, you have your soul back already, curse free..." Willow began.
"I need you to listen to me, Willow; really listen," he grabbed her shoulders. "You know how I used to brood a lot, the whole guilt thing?" Willow nodded affirmatively. "I've got my soul back, I am good again, but I feel... well, no guilt. I know, it's a good thing, right? The weight of all my sins removed... but now, I read the old books I used to love: Jean Paul, Camus, and all the rest of the old masters and I feel=85 nothing ,or rather something, but not the despair that I ought to. Can you imagine reading 'Being and Nothingness' and feeling, 'Gee, I'd like to watch TV for awhile; I wonder if I missed Melrose? And Dostoyevsky! I reread "The Idiot," cover to cover and do you know what my response was? It was I liked the part about the hedgehog."
'The hedgehog part was kinda cute," Willow affirmed.
"Be honest, Willow," he scolded, "what was your first impression after finishing 'The Idiot.'"
"It was horrible. I'd never felt so... so... I can't even think of an adjective that expresses its horribleness."
"I felt happy."
The shock on Willow's face was evident. "H-happy, Angel?"
"Happy," he confirmed."I knew you'd understand you're so,literary. But this is just the beginning; my music collection affects me in the same manner. I used to think Morrissey was a God, now I just wonder why he, he doesn't just lighten up. And it's impossible to brood when you're so damn happy all the time. I used to love to brood..." he trailed off wistfully.
"You were the best brooder I ever met," Willow said helpfully.
"So you'll help me?"
"I-I don't think I should. What would happen with you and Buffy? Last time the curse... I mean... how would you..." Willow blushed and looked down.
"Hey, don't worry about it. I've got it all figured out, the last time we... got together..." he smiled at Willow's discomfort, moving a step closer, "The moment of true happiness? That won't be a problem again, look at the trouble I caused her. With my conscience restored by the curse, I could never be truly happy again. Every time I touch her," he said as he lifted Willow's chin, pulling her eyes up to meet his own, "I will be reminded of Jenny, of my seducing, corrupting and abandoning an innocent young teenager, of torturing Giles and trying to end the world. How could I be happy?" She didn't looked convinced, so Angel changed tactics, trying to appeal to her romantic side."Buffy was originally attracted to me because of my mysterious brooding; if I don't get my angst back, I could end up losing her." He paused,"Well, Willow, can I count on you?"
"I-I guess it might be okay," Willow began uncertainly,"I found the curse on Ms. Calender's computer after... after... and it's a pretty complicated ritual."
"I know," he responding as he began pulling various herbs and devices from his pockets. "I found the curse long ago when I was trying to remove it. I've tried the spell on myself before but it hasn't worked right. I think that it may not work if the cursed individual tries to cast it. Let's get to work."
"I-I think we might need more people"
"Relax, I have the strength of an entire tribe of gypsies. Let's get started , Buffy could come looking at me at any moment." He glanced back to the door, nervously.
Willow and Angel where nearly finished with the ritual when Buffy burst in through the doors. "Is this a private seance or can anyone play?" she remarked suspiciously.
"Buffy!" Willow exclaimed, interrupting the spell she had almost completed. Lights spiraled up between Angel and Willow,then swept towards Buffy, enveloping her in an instant. She collapsed on the floor.
"This is not good," Angel murmured as he lurched unsteadily to his feet; the ritual had taken a lot more out of him than he had expected. He glanced over at Willow , unconscious, but he could see her breathing regularly. He headed over to Buffy. Kneeling down beside her, he placed his hand on her shoulder,"Buffy, are you alright?"
She looked up with tears in her eyes. "Oh, Angel!" she exclaimed,"I'm sooo sorry for killing you! How can you ever forgive me...?"
"Have you seen what she's been wearing?" Cordelia asked incredulously. "Black turtle-neck sweaters,how hideousis that?" Angel, Xander, Willow and Giles sat around the table, exchanging glances with one another. The current 'Buffy is cursed' crisis had brought the group together for daily update sessions,except for Oz who they saw only on full moon nights. Willow studiously avoided the library on those nights. Angel had taken full responsibility for the curse, which had kept Giles from banishing her from the library.
"Who appointed you fashion policewoman?" Xander responded. "I think Buffy looks good in black." They were on fighting terms now; soon they would be a happy couple again, Willow wished it were as easy for her to make up with Oz.
"She could come to school naked and you'd still think she looks good , never mind, you know what I mean. Black hair, Black nail polish, black lipstick..." Cordelia continued.
"And a black disposition," Willow added.
"And her behavior is weirder than those 5th horsewoman of the apocalypse outfits. I had suicide watch with her last night...
Noting Giles' alarm, Willow interrupted , translating Cordy-speak into Giles-speak,"Cordy just means it was her turn to patrol with Buffy, we've been taking turns since the curse."
"She keeps her 'journal' with her to write down her important thoughts, can't have a diary like normal girls. A vamp almost got her 'cause she was too busy writing." Cordelia put on her inconvenienced face. "You've got to de-curse her, Giles, before I kill her myself."
"I-I'm working on it," he responded wearily,"But curses are notoriously hard to remove. It still seems as though our best bet is still the 'one moment of true happiness.'"Even that is no guarantee, remember what happened to Angel when the curse ended; his soul went with the curse."
"A soulless slayer. Scary," Angel murmured.
"Want to talk about weirdness:" Xander began,"she was writing poetry the last time I pulled the graveyard shift with her. Odes to the vampires she's been slaying. Listen..." he removed a folded piece of paper from his pocket and began to read in a mournful, melodramatic voice, "' vampire that I had to stake / I'm sorry your life I had to take / How different might your life have been / Were you not a blood-drinking fiend..."
"Enough!" shouted Giles. The others looked in shock at the soft-spoken librarian. "Burn that poem, Xander, for the sake of all the poets everywhere."
"You should hear her blank verse," Xander said as he fumbled for another paper, "or her Haiku, she wrote that after she staked that Asian vampire. She's been posting them on the tombstones."
"Like a macabre Orlando," Willow suggested.
"In 'As You Like It,'" Angel explained to Xander and Cordelia. He noted that his explanation did little to remove their confusion. "Shakespeare?"
"Quite. However, there is a bright side," Giles said,mostly to himself, "she's become a great deal more focused and efficient. She's killed more vampires in the last month than she had in the previous year."
"I gave her a copy of the 'Myth of Sisyphus' and, after Willow and I explained to her what it meant, I think her attitude improved." Angel said." I have to go." He got up abruptly, leaned over Willow and lightly kissed her forehead. "I'll see you later tonight?"
Willow blushed deep crimson, "Uh... O.K..." and Angel was gone. A dramatic silence ensued as her friends stared in shock at what had just transpired.
"What was that!" Xander exclaimed.
"W-we've b-been meeting to d-discuss literature..." Willow stammered, "Angel is very well read."
"If I had a lit teacher like that..." Cordelia commented. There was something in her voice, jealousy? envy? admiration?
"Hi, guys, sorry I'm late," Buffy said dolefully as she entered the room. Her long black skirt reached the floor.
Cordelia leaned close to Willow, "Does Buffy know about your 'literary club'?"she whispered. Willow's panicked expression gave Cordelia the answer she expected and she settled back in her chair, with a smug expression plastered on her face. "Love the hair, Buffy. Did you cut it yourself or did the school for the blind open up a beautician's wing?" Buffy's hair hung in ragged tatters, cut to just shorter than shoulder length.
"I cut it. Last week a vamp caught hold of my hair,I decided to cut it off rather than let my vanity cause me or someone close to me to die,"she slumped into a chair."I've just been feeling so depressed lately. More than depressed , God, I wish there were a word for it..." she trailed of thoughtfully.
"Ennui?" suggested Willow.
"Ahn-what?"
"Ennui," said Giles,"It's a sort o-of existential despair."
Noting the still blank look on her friend's face, Willow helpfully translated,"It's like, you'd commit suicide if you could just work up the energy. It's French"
"That's it! That's exactly how I feel!" Buffy exclaimed with more animation than her friends had seen in weeks. "Ahn-wee. Hey, I gotta go patrol, unless there's some new prophecy or something..." she said a she looked hopefully at Giles.
"Maybe you could take a few days off," Giles suggested,"There hasn't been a vampire killing in days."
"Sorry Giles. I'm not going to let somebody die just because I wanted to hang at the Bronze. Sacred duty, yadda, yadda, yadda. Who's with me tonight?"
"Me!" said Xander eagerly.
"Let's go." Buffy exited the library with Xander in tow.
"I-I need to go, too," Willow said quietly as she gathered her books.
"The classics are calling you?" Cordelia said sweetly. Willow slipped out quickly. "Well, I guess it's just the two of us, Giles. Let's do the research thing."
"Y-you don't have to stay, Miss Chase, I'm sure you have plans or-or, perhaps, homework?"
"Nope. My social calendar is free, your lucky night. I have to be home by midnight, though. Parental units curtailed my curfew after my near death experience."
"Wonderful," Giles sighed.