There’d been a lull in the activities of the latest vampire boss. Obviously, he was planning something big. They needed to be prepared. To know more about him, and his possible plans. That meant - research mode.
Buffy looked about the library at the people she loved. She hated this research business. Give her a vampire to slay, a demon to fight, she was happy. Here, she felt so - inadequate. Like they had to put up with her until they found the answers they were looking for. Not that any of them said that. Or even acted as though they felt that way. At least, most of them didn’t.
"Here’s something." Trust Willow to be the first. "It doesn’t say much. Just that he turned a whole abbey of nuns just so that he could get to an artifact."
"So, he has a thing for holy objects and old stuff?" They all looked at Oz. Suddenly what he said dawned on them all. For some reason they found it very funny, and started laughing.
Giles came down from the stacks carrying some more books. Still laughing, Willow turned to him. "Giles you just missed Oz saying a funny.."
"Yes. I’m sure it was appropriately amusing. There might be something in here."
Willow’s face went from relaxed amusement to pained guilt. The laughter stilled as the rest of the gang looked resentfully at Giles. Even Joyce, who had volunteered to help, looked up in surprise.
Buffy glared at her Watcher. It was bad enough when he put her down. Now he was doing it to Willow. She hadn’t done anything to him. It wasn’t fair.
He’d changed. It wasn’t obvious at first. When she came back, everybody had been so relieved that she’d returned. And she was relieved that they readily forgave her. The difference in her Watcher hadn’t dawned on her for a few weeks. He was still attentive in his training and guidance. He was always there for her. But now, he seemed more critical. More aloof. As if he put up with them all because it was his job. As if he didn’t care about them, about her, at all.
Oblivious to the atmosphere he’d created, Giles moved back up the steps, intent on finding the answer to their latest ‘difficulty’. At the back of his mind, the fact that everybody had gone quiet clicked, but he assumed it was because they were researching. He reached for a book that showed promise. If he remembered correctly, there was something here about a demon from the period they were researching.
He didn’t notice he wasn’t alone until Buffy spoke. "That wasn’t very nice."
"Hmm. Oh, Buffy. What?"
"What you did to Willow."
"I didn’t do anything to Willow. No. No, that’s not it." He returned the book, and continued down the aisle. Buffy followed him. She’d had enough. It was time for a confontration.
"She was trying to get you to join in. And you made it obvious you weren’t interested."
He stopped and sighed in frustration. They didn’t need this right now. "Nonsense. Willow told me Oz said something amusing. I did not contradict her. Now, we must...."
"We must talk! How long are you going to keep this up? Cutting us all out? When are you going to start living again?"
An angry flush covered his cheeks. "Not that it’s any of your business, but I am ‘living’ as you call it."
"No, you’re not. To live, you have to feel. Something. Anything. You keep everybody at a distance. Don’t you want somebody in your life again? Like Jenny?" She said her name deliberately. She was trying to goad him now. If he lost his temper, maybe he’d start to show more emotion.
"So that I could put her in jeopardy? Endanger her life, the way I did Jenny’s? Watch her get killed so my enemy can punish me?"
She pulled up. He took advantage of her momentary shock to move back down to the main area. By the uncomfortable looks on the faces of the others, they were witness to the discussion.
"Allright. I don’t agree with you, but you have a point. But what about the rest of us? What about me? How long are you going to keep us at arm’s length?"
"Have I failed in any way in my duties as a Watcher? Have I caused your life to be put in greater danger by my actions?"
"No, but...."
"Then there is no reason to be concerned. I have always, and will always carry out my duties fully, and fulfill my obligations as a Watcher."
That hurt. Now she knew what was wrong. "And what about your obligations as a friend?! When did you stop seeing me as your friend, and as just a Slayer?!"
"Everything comes down to you, doesn’t it? Your wants? Your needs?" He stopped. He hadn’t meant that to come out.
"No. I care about you. Now, you’re an empty shell of what you were. I want you whole again. I want you to care. Not only about us, but about yourself."
"So you can rip my heart out next time you decide to leave me?!" Buffy’s head reared back as if she’d been slapped. The other’s looked up in shock. Not only at his words, but the bitterness with which they came out.
Giles found that he couldn’t stop. "You left me. When I needed you most. Oh, I know what you went through. And why you felt you had to leave. But, have you ever thought what I went through? I’d lost the woman I loved. I’d been tortured by the best. And, in the end, I failed. I betrayed you. I betrayed the world. Then, you’d gone. Without a word. The others needed my strength. To support their hope. Their faith. There was nobody to support me. To tell me it would be allright. And when you came back, you didn’t come to me. You went to Xander. It was he who told me you’d returned. Do you know how much of a failure I felt? You didn’t trust me enough before you left, and you trusted me less when you came home. You didn’t want my emotions then. It wasn’t convenient. Now, you’ve decided you want me back the way I was before. Well, I’m sorry. I can’t go back to that. And.." he paused, trying to stop the poison. But it was too late. "And I won’t give you the opportunity to hurt me the way you did last year."
He turned without another word and entered his office, shutting the door quietly behind himself. Buffy stood still, letting the tears fall. Not trying to stop them. She saw herself through his eyes, and didn’t like the image.
Willow hurt. For them both. "Buffy, he didn’t mean it."
"Yes he did. And he was right. I’ve always seen him for what he can give me. I think it’s time to see what I can give him."
Giles didn’t notice when the others left the library. If he had, he would have been grateful. He leant forward, his hands braced against his desk. Damn her. At least before, the numbness protected him. Now he couldn’t stop the emotions that roiled through him. Tearing him in two. He closed his eyes, trying to control the feelings, trying for some semblance of normalcy.
He tensed at the sound of the door opening. He didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. He should have known she wouldn’t leave it at that. He supposed she was waiting for his apology.
"You’re right. I did fail you. I came to the school that day. I saw you all there. I figured that if you could walk, your physical wounds would heal okay. I didn’t even think about the emotional ones. I was too busy wallowing in my self-pity. Like you have for the past few months." He wanted to object. But he knew that she was partially right. "I left for the wrong reasons. And you should have been my first consideration. Because you are my Watcher, and my friend. When I came back, I didn’t know what reception I’d get. I went to Xander ‘cause I figured he owed me. He told you because I was too big a coward to do it myself. I keep talking about growing up, but I’ve been acting like a child. And for that, I’m sorry."
She paused. He hadn’t moved. Did he understand what she was trying to say? "I can’t guarantee being here forever. None of us can. You know that more than anybody. But I do give you my word that I won’t disappear. I won’t leave without talking to you first. And, I may leave one day. That’s part of the relationship between adults and kids. Eventually, the kids leave. But, you can’t stop feeling. Why do you think we’ve done so well? Why we’ve survived for so long? Because we care. About each other. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to hurt each other so easily.
"Probably the worse thing I did to you, was not let you mourn Jenny." His head came up at that. At least she knew he was listening. "I kept you two from each other. I know that you would have forgiven her sooner if it wasn’t for me. But I wanted to punish her. And I didn’t care how it affected you. Then, Angel killed her. That was when I knew I had to destroy him. But, I couldn’t live with the guilt of what he’d done. Of what I was responsible for. So, I wanted you to go on as though she hadn’t been so important to you. I wanted to pretend that she was like Jesse. Or Theresa. Somebody we knew, but who we didn’t really care about. I didn’t want to see your grief. So I didn’t let you."
He could hear the tears in her voice. And the pain. Holding a mirror up to your soul was a terrifying and wretched thing to do. He knew. All the time she was talking, he was doing the same. And he didn’t like what he saw. He slowly turned to face her.
"It’s easier to pretend something didn’t happen. Or to blame somebody else. I was so ashamed at my weakness, my willingness to submit, I wanted shift the burden of responsibility onto someone else. You weren’t here, so it was easy to blame you. It’s something that I have to accept. No-one else is responsible. As for Jenny, I mourned her. I still do. I just didn’t parade my grief in front of everybody. I still feel as though I have failed you in some way. Or else you would have come to me last summer."
"You didn’t fail. I did. And take some of your own advise. What happened with Drusilla wasn’t your fault. You’d been tortured. You were in pain. And not even a Slayer could resist her tricks. Under the circumstances, how could you?"
He nodded. It wouldn’t be easy, but he did have to accept that. They looked at each other for several long moments.
"We’ve hurt each other. A lot."
He sighed. "Yes. Yes, we have."
"Do you think we can forgive each other? Go back to the way we were?"
"We can’t go back. But I hope that we can go on. And forgive ourselves, as well as each other."
She took a hesitant step forward. Then another. When she was close enough, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him the way she’d wanted to since the day she returned. He hesitated. Then slowly lifted his arms around her.