*****
Dear Buffy,
For some reason, it feels weird to call you that after everything, 'dear', I mean. I'm sorry for not writing sooner, I know it's been a month since I left town, but it could have been a century it seems. I hope that you're doing well.
God, that sounded so mechanical, didn't it?
Okay, my second attempt. I hope that your life is good, because you deserve happiness more than anyone I know. A night doesn't go by, actually a minute doesn't go by, that I don't think about you and wonder if you're doing all right. I miss you.
As for me, in case you are wondering, I'm doing well here. It's taken me a while, but I've moved in and it holds a lot of potential for me.
I can't help but wonder what else to say now. What words do we really have to say to each other now? Can we really pretend that we're anything less than what we are? Can we actually fake that all we have now is friendship? If this is friendship, then what is love? I guess we have no other choice than to strive for that, right?
*****
You're right, it does seem weird to write that word. But I can't bring myself not to. I got your letter today, and I was a little surprised. It's been too long, I miss hearing from you. I'm glad that you're doing okay. Everything here is as good as life on the Hellmouth can be.
Damn, you're right. Everything sounds so mechanical, so impersonal. I guess it's hard to write what we feel for each other into a letter but I have to try. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. I look around sometimes, and I really, truly expect you to be there, even though I know that you won't be, I look anyway. But I wouldn't trade that for anything. I look around and I think, in that millisecond before I realize you're not there, "He's here and I'm not alone anymore." But you aren't, and I am.
I know you told me already, but explain it again. Tell me why you left. And tell me this: does a part of you, even a sliver, regret what we had? I know that's a heavy question to answer, but I really would like to know and since I can't ask you face to face, I have to ask it here. Please write back soon.
******
I look and I expect to see you too. Every time I walk and I see a woman with blond hair, for a second I think, or maybe my heart just hopes, that it's you. It never is, and because of that, my heart breaks a thousand times a night. Please know that this isn't easy on me either.
You asked me the reason for my leaving...well, you already know it. We can't be together, and if the only way I can be apart from you is to be physically away from you, then that's what it takes. I know it's not the best answer, but it's the one that you know just as well as I do deep down in your heart. We would destroy each other in one way or another if I stayed, and we both know it. We all make sacrifices for love, mine just turned out to be giving up the only thing that I ever truly loved. No one said it was fair, right?
Maybe what hurts the most is this bitter understanding that I have that in another time and in another world, we could have loved each other forever. Maybe I wanted to run from that, maybe I needed to. But I can never escape it for each night, in my dreams, we are what I wish we were; together, in love, both human and forever inseparable until death do us part. Believe me, I'd like nothing more. But dreams, at least mine, don't seem to come true lately.
You also asked if I regretted you. Never. I have a million regrets, Buffy, but never believe that you are one million and one. Despite it all, I don't regret a moment spent in your presence, for it was like being in the presence of the sun; glowing, bright, and full of life and I could never want to take that back. And I love you. Maybe I shouldn't, in fact, I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway. You told me once you wished you could hate me, sometimes I wish you could too. It'd make things easier, wouldn't it? I wish sometimes I could hate you, but I can't any more than you can me. And maybe that's the greatest tragedy of them all. For never was a story of more woe....
******
I know it's not easy on you. It wouldn't be easy on anyone, especially not people like us who would be so perfect together if it wasn't for the holes reality poked into our perfect bubble. I see it, you know. I saw before I even wanted to see it; I saw just how well we fit together and there was a time when I denied it, but I can't anymore. Just because we're soul-mates doesn't mean we get to be together, I guess. Maybe in the next life....
I know why you left, I know all the reasons, and they are all true and they are all valid. But that doesn't make it hurt any less, as you can probably guess. Actually, you don't even need to guess, do you? You know first hand.
I dreamt of you again last night. It was actually a funny dream; we were living in New York in a penthouse with a couple of kids running around. You were a great dad. You read to them every night and played with them as soon as you got home from work. (You were a history professor--imagine that.) I worked out of my home office so I could be with our kids and every night we would all eat dinner together. Funny huh? It should just prove that you're never far from my thoughts.
I read what you said about me not being regret one million and one, and I admit, I cried. A sun, huh? I couldn't help but smile through my tears when I read that. I don't know how true it is, but it was beautiful of you to say. I do know this to be true; I love you too. It's not enough, I know, but it's the truth. And you're right, I could never hate you, but that's not a tragedy. I think it's a triumph; a triumph that we can still love at all after all that we went through. That has to be something significant. We have to be something important, because we're still here, a little worse for the wear, but we're still here. That has to mean something.
******
Dear Buffy,
Soul-mates. Interesting way of putting it, considering. I smiled when I read that, and since I rarely smile anymore, it felt good. As for the next life, well, considering all that I did in this one, I have to guess I'd be reincarnated as a garden slug or something. That was overly pessimistic of me, I know. It's hard not to be bitter sometimes when all you want in the world is the one thing you can't have.
It wasn't a funny dream, Buffy. It was a beautiful one. Today when I sleep, I will try and dream of it for I could think of nothing better in all the world. I guess I should tell you what I dreamt yesterday, since turnabout is fair play. I dreamt we were on a beach, an island actually, and we were sitting on the sand as the rays of the warm sun beat down us while we watched our children splashing in the waves of the Pacific. I woke in tears, but they weren't sad tears. For some reason, even though it was something I will never have, they were happy tears.
I'm sorry I made you cry, believe me, it was not my intent as I think I've caused you enough tears. But I'm happy that at least I could make you smile. Maybe with enough smiles I can make up, at least partly, for what I did to you.
You are my sunlight, and never believe otherwise.
Saying you love me is enough. In fact, it's something that I will treasure forever. I know that the knowledge, well, not the knowledge, as I always knew it, but the declaration of your love will help me through darkness someday. Who knows, it could be the only thing that will save me.
Maybe you're right about it being a triumph. Perhaps the reason that we're still here is because we can't hate each other. It could be because one can't hate and still be a survivor. And that's what we are, for different reasons, and of different things, we are survivors. And no greater compliment could be given to either of us than that.
Love eternally,
*****
It doesn't seem weird writing that word anymore, I noticed. In fact, it seems to be the most natural thing in the world, second only to telling you that I love you.
A garden slug? You do have a way with words, Angel. Maybe we could be slugs together, with a little slug house and a little family. Maybe even a little slug dog. I bet you'd make a cute slug. I know you have a hard time thinking on the bright side, and I can't blame you for it, but I think you're cut out for something better than a garden slug in your next life, with all the good that you've done. Not that I would mind being a slug with you. I'd love you even if you were a slug. I'm sure that didn't come out right.
I loved your dream, hopefully I'll dream of it tonight. We should get a few universals right in our dreams though...like how many kids we have, that sort of thing. My vote is for two, a boy and a girl. I want to name the boy after you, and I want to name the girl Catherine I think. What do you say?
Angel, please believe me when I say that you've caused me more smiles than tears. A hundred times more. I'm smiling now, because I'm thinking of you and every time I think of you, I smile. You're in the black, so to speak, in the smiles department. You have nothing to make up for. You have to know by now that I don't blame you for anything that happened. If it's my forgiveness you want, it's yours. It always was.
I guess that I've been called worse things than your sunlight. Thank you.
I'll take your love with me as well, wherever I go and wherever my life may take me, it will be with me forever. Your love is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me and I will take it with me proudly for I want the whole world to see the wonderful thing that you gave me.
Survivors. You're right, and I never thought of it that way, but we are survivors of life and of the pain that denied love has given us. Who can say any better than that?
Buffy (Sunlight)
******
You're right, it doesn't seem strange anymore to write 'dear' at the beginning. In fact, I write it now without thinking about it, just as I write 'love' without a second thought. Perhaps that's progress. Or backsliding. But whatever it is, it feels right.
It came out right. I know you'd make a beautiful slug. Do slugs have families or slug houses? I bet we'd make a beautiful one together, both a family of slugs and a slug house. I'm smiling again, it seems I do it more often now. As for my fate in the game of reincarnation, I still have a lot to make up for before I move past the stage of invertebrate, but slowly I think I'm getting there. Wish me luck?
You want to name our dream son after me? I'd prefer to spare our child the taunting of his peers with a girlish name like mine. However, I think Catherine is a beautiful name, and two children would be perfect. I know that any child of yours would be absolutely gorgeous and I'm sure that Catherine and Name To Be Determined, would prove me right. However, I don't think that New York is the place to raise children. A smaller town would be more appropriate in my mind. Just a suggestion from the father....
You have no idea what it means to me to know that I can, or my memory can, still make you smile. That's one less thing to weigh on my conscience, one less thing I will beat myself up over, and I thank you for that. I also thank you for your forgiveness, even if it's not enough to assuage my own personal guilt that I still seem to carry with me like some old rusted medal of sorts as a kind of reminder to myself. But even if it can't alleviate all of my pain, it means more than anything I can say could ever express to you.
Sunlight is only one of the many things that you are to me. You are so much more than you can ever know, more than words could say. More than my sunlight, you are my lighthouse in the storm. You guide me, even from a distance, and I am forever drawn to your brightness.
Believe me when I say that I will take your love with me through the years and through the rest of my life for as long as that may be. I will carry it with me and when I wear my heart on my sleeve your love will be displayed prominently for all of the world to see.
No one can say better of us than that we are survivors, except maybe to say that we loved against all odds and still do. Perhaps what will be spoken of us when all is said and done is that we had the audacity to love in a world such as this, under circumstances such as these. How many other people can say they found a love forbidden and turned it into a romance for all time?
Angel
*****
It's not backsliding. We're being honest, that's nothing bad, even if what we have to say isn't the easiest thing in the world for us to hear. Backsliding would be denying what we still feel rather than facing up to the truth that despite the distance between us both physically and, at times, emotionally, we still love each other with all that we are. How could anyone consider that backsliding?
Okay, so maybe slugs don't have houses or families, but maybe we could be the first. We're already pretty extraordinary anyway, who's to say? You don't need me to wish you luck. We make our own luck, and you don't need it. You're good, don't ever believe differently.
I think Angel is a beautiful name. What's wrong with it? Okay, so some people may not appreciate it like I would. How about as a middle name? What should his first name be? And you're right about New York, it's not the place to raise a family. Well, I'm sure we'll find a nice place and we'll have a big house and a yard for them to play in. How does that sound?
I know I can't make you, but I wish you'd forgive yourself for things that weren't your fault to begin with. I know that must be like asking you to walk on water or some other impossible task, but of all the things that I wish for your life, that's the largest, most important one. I've seen it in your eyes, you know, the burden of guild that you carry with you on your shoulders. Even in your happiest moments, I can see it reflected in those big brown eyes of yours and it breaks my heart. If I can forgive, why can't you?
I'm a lighthouse now. You always know how to flatter a lady. Truthfully, I think you're the lighthouse. You've always been my beacon in the middle of the storm that is my life. You're the only thing that ever made sense to me, even in our most chaotic moments, you were still my guiding light. You always were. And more than that, you were my life preserver. When I was drowning in the trials and tribulations of my life, you always held my head above the waterline. Even though you're far from home, you still keep me afloat and keep me from being pulled down by the undertow. That's something I can say of no one else. You were well named, because you truly are my guardian angel.
Did I ever tell you that you're my basis of comparison when it comes to people? It's another part of your legacy in my life, another of the positive parts, I might add. I think I'm a better judge of people having known you, and I think that I know myself better because I knew you. If I'd never known you...the truth is I can't even conceive of my life without you ever being in it. You made me a better person. Not many other people can say the same thing.
"A love forbidden." Is that what it is? God, we're something else, aren't we?
Buffy
******
I'm back to calling you by your name, in case you didn't notice. I like your name better than all the nicknames I could ever give because it encompasses all that you are and everything I see in you.
You're right, we're not backsliding. But can we really call this progress? I moved away so that I could try to move on, so we both could. This isn't moving on, is it? We're falling back into the cycle again; our age old cycle of coming together and then moving away. It's not to say that I'm not thankful for the time during which we're moving together, but when do we get to the part where we move apart? I guess I'm looking on the dark side again....
You're too kind to call me good because we both know that I'm not the most noble nor virtuous of people to ever walk the earth. I guess no one's perfect, right? You're not perfect either, but you are to me. Maybe when you love someone enough you can see past all of their faults and all of the layers and see their true heart. Perhaps it's just a question of being perfect together.
How long can we keep playing this fantasy game of children and houses we'll never have and futures together that we'll never see? How long do you actually intend to keep it going? Maybe it's not a good idea to throw dreams at each other; it only hurts all the more when they don't come true.
Forgiveness. That's a word that holds so many meanings for me, so many things that seem unobtainable. You know why I can't forgive and why I can't forget. I needn't tell you that. I wish sometimes that I could too, but in forgetting my past I forget myself, and that's not something that I ever wish to do again. I can't forgive. I can only learn to live with and eventually accept the cards dealt to me. That's all anyone can do, really.
If anyone was drowning, it was me. I was drowning in the past when you met me, but you changed all that and I don't think that I ever really thanked you enough for that. I guess we both held each other above the waterline. If I made you a better person, then you, in turn, made me better. More than that, you made me somebody. I found something behind your eyes that I hadn't had in too long; a purpose in my life. I never thanked you for that either.
We are something else. You're quite right about that.
Angel
******
It's not backsliding, and it's not progress either. Maybe it's just admission and acceptance of what we can't change. We can't change what we feel, we can't alter what is written in our hearts. And you asked when the part where we move apart comes? It comes now, but not in the manner that you expect. I'm moving out east to go to school. I'll write you, of course, you know I will; but it will take me time to get moved in and get settled so it could be some time before I can write you again with my new address. I move in two weeks, so you can send me one more letter before I leave. Who knows...maybe more distance is for the best.
We were perfect together, if only for that all too brief time. That time, those months, were the best I've ever know and even after a lifetime of memories, I know those will forever stand out as some of the best of my life. I'll never forget times that precious, happiness that fleeting. I hope you'll remember them too, even after I'm gone from this world.
I could have kept the game going forever, you know. What if all we have are our imaginations and our fantasies of lives together that we can never have? It is all we can have, you realize. And I don't really think throwing dreams at each other could hurt any more than it already does being away from each other. And here I am moving even farther away....
I know you can't forgive. I guess I have to amend my wish for your life to acceptance and now I will pray every night that you find that somewhere and somehow. Be happy, Angel. Live the best life you can with the cards dealt to you. Promise me that and I'll promise you the same.
You don't need to thank me for anything, Angel. I believe I owe you. But, if you wish, we can call it even by saying that we both enriched each other's lives. It's the truth, there's no denying that. And I don't want to deny it, I don't ever wish to pretend that you were anything but the best thing that ever happened to me.
Buffy
******
Well, needless to say I was surprised to hear that you were leaving. But I could never begrudge you for wanting to leave and get an education. You have my blessing, but you have always had that. I'll miss you, but I already miss you, now it will just be over a greater distance. Maybe you're right, and it is for the best, except that it seems that no matter the distance physically between us, we're never really apart. We're connected, you and I, and a continent can't separate us. That thought will be a comfort to me as I hope it will be to you in your new life.
I could never forget either and even after you're gone, I'll still look back at those nights as the best I've ever known. After you're gone, I promise you I'll still think on them with fond remembrance of my greatest love. It has been said that a person lives on as long as there is someone to remember them. If that's the case, your memory will go on forever, at least if I have anything to say about it. Maybe that is the truest kind of immortality.
Our imaginations and our fantasies are not the only thing we have. We have our memories. Those will be enough to get me through lonely nights without you as they have already proven to be. And who knows; maybe someday the pain of distance will heal and go away. Maybe someday it won't hurt anymore. Positive thinking, what a new concept for me, right?
I promise you that I will live the best I can with the things life has dealt me. Our hands have both been unfair, but we go on because we have to. And in going on with those lives, I want yours to be joyful and full of things that I can't and never could give you. I want you to find someone that can grant you the happiness and the fulfillment in your life that I cannot. If you want to make me happy, make yourself happy.
There was no sound reason for our love. In theory, we should never have loved each other. But the fates had other ideas in mind for us. And I'm thankful every day that they did.
Love forever,
******