Although I now look back apon that moment as if it were the simplest thing that had ever happened to me- in truth, it wasn't, and I shall never forget what I heard, and what I'd done to hear it.
We sat as we usually did- the norm for us being in two chairs on the bridge. Of course, I wasn't quite aware of my surroundings, absorbed more so in the book of poetry I read from than in conversation with Chakotay, or the lively overall banter that enveloped the area itself.
No- I was thinking of Michael. The Fairy Queen, that being the title of my book, was also the book which he had given me prior to his learning of who I really was. And whenever I turned the crisp pages or caressed the gilded forest cover, I saw him in my mind's eye as he told me of his beliefs regarding the relationship of one barkeep and one starship captain.
So I went to the holodeck. Fair Haven ran as we'd scheduled it to- from eleven-hundred to nineteen hundred-open to anyone who's shift permitted them to step out of the harsh realities for a bit of fresh ireland breeze. I take the time to pay the townsfolk a little visit or two, see the sights--and give Michael and I a chance to...catch up on a few things.
"Oh, I've missed you." No lie there- I sighed into his embrace, eyes closing to allow myself the luxury of breathing in his familiar scent of colonge and whisky, though Michael Sullivan never himself drank. "What have you been doing with yourself, Michael?"
"Tendin' the bar." He teased a stray lock of my hair, letting it slip through his warm fingers. "You look lovely tonight, Katie. As always."
"Ah, thank you." Pausing...the silence unbearable, I reached up to pull his face closer for another kiss. "God, I don't think I can leave you again."
"Y' don't have to." He led me, quietly, up the back stairs and into the now familar residence which he occupied when he was not spending time on the streets of Fair Haven- with me. We began to explore each others mouths more thoroughly than I could ever remember doing, and my heart raced. "Stay with me, Katie."
"I can't."
"And why not? Is it 'cause I'm not good enough for a starship captain? Is that it?"
Damn. How I wanted him to kiss me again. How I wanted to stay with him, love him as easily as a flesh-and-blood human. But no matter how self-aware he became, nor how comfortable I was spending time with him-it just wasn't possible.
"That's not why, and you know it." I whispered fiercely. "Michael, I love you."
"And is that it, then?"I laughed, my hand on his chest as he too smiled. "Yes, that's exactly right. I love you too much to spend the night here--and..."
"They wouldn't understand, would they?"
"No." I shook my head. "They would understand. That's the other reason. My crew holds so much concern for me--and my actions during our last conflict have done more to widen the chasm. I can't risk more of that by becoming involved any deeper."
"Ah, Katie." We fell to sit on the bed, kissing rapidly, holding on for dear life, both of us unwilling to let go. And I slept. In his arms I slept, comfortably, waking in barely enough time to compose myself and kiss him goodbye-to walk out the holodeck doors without so much as a look back.
"Captain?" I met Chakotay in the corridor, fitting to my current feelings of irony. Here he was, the man who had expressed such care and consideration toward me, who was there-flesh and blood there- but whom I could not bring myself to love in the way that I loved Michael.
Dammit. How I wanted to love this man. This man whose love could comfort me at night, and when I needed him the most--in battle. Chakotay, I want to reach to you and tell you my sorrows and truths...but it isn't more possible than my spending the night with Michael could be.
"Late night, Commander?"
"I suppose you could say that." No friendly chuckle. Instead, he bent his head to stare at me intently. "Is something wrong, Kathryn?"
"Something wrong? Why would you say that?" I laughed, but my throat constricted, and to my surprise I could feel tears form. But I rapidly blinked them away. "Of course there's nothing wrong, Chakotay."
"Then why do you look so flustered? And your hair--" For a moment, I thought he was going to reach up and push it away from where it obscured my face. But he didn't. "Your hair's a bit mussed."
"Is it?" I tucked the strands back behind my ears, straightening my spine. "Is that better?"
"Not really, but I don't think I'll be able to get you to talk about it, will I?" We had reached the turbolift by that time, but neither one of us made a move to enter. "I'll support you all the way, you know that."
"I know that." Oh, I knew that...but why didn't it help? Why did the fact that he was there do nothing to reassure me of my actions? "And I thank you. But we're either going to have to get home, or I'm going to spend the rest of the trip figuring this out, Chakotay. And I don't think I'm prepared to do that."
"Somehow, I think you're right." He stepped back as I retreated into the turbolift, and I saw the concern that overlayed his facial features. "Go back to him, if that's what you need. I won't let them know...we won't let them know."
"Thank you." When he turned the corner I withdrew myself and ran. Running down an empty corridor, my hair in disarray again...and I flew.
Flew into the arms of my conneticut yankee.
The inner knowledge of a fairy queen, he later said, do not what they're said to do...he'll never be impervious to my charms, nor will I to his.
~fin