Dum diddle lum lum, la la la
Dum diddle lum lum, la la la
Dum diddle lum lum, la la la
Dum diddle lum lum, la la la
Dah dah! Dah, di dah!

(This was a textual rendition of the James Bond Theme. The full text version of the soundtrack is available from
UKDarkhound, at a price of £9.99 Pounds sterling. UKDarkHound is a non-profit making organisation (trust me, you should see my bank statements). All monies go to the registered charity Campaign for Action for Sick Horses, please make cheques payable to C.A.S.H.)

The scene opens with Rand Al'Bond, escaping from several vicious agents of the dark, whilst managing to remain smiling, charming, witty, chauvanistic, and damn sauave. He pilots a sho-wing car (low on fuel, naturally) over the crowded streets of Camlyn, managing to ditch it safley in the palace grounds, before scaling the wall, and somersualting through the window into HQ.

A smartly dressed Min sits behind a desk. As Rand crashes through the window she stands up, her hair falling loosely over her shoulders, losing all sense of decorum.

Min: Oh, Rand! *gush*
Rand: Ah, Miss Minnypenny. *wink*
Min: How on earth did you escape that terrible trap in Shadar Logoth, Rand? We thought we'd lost you for good!
Rand: *smirks, tossing his bowler hat onto one hook of the coatstand* Oh, twas nothing.As that balfire laser approached my head, I twisted at the last second to cut through my cuendillar bonds instead, then rolled out of the way. *buffs nails on his tux*
Min: Oh, Rand!! *drool*
Rand: And then I went in search of Blow-Job and his evil henchman Felt-Odd
Min: That's Blofelt and Odd-Job, Rand.
Rand: Hmmm? Ah, yes, quite. Thankyou, Miss FunnyFanny. Anyway, I took care of Felt-Odd, but I couldn't find a BlowJob, no matter where I looked.
Min: No? *quietly* Well ... *tosses hair, seductively*
Rand: *not noticing* So, he's still on the loose I'm afraid. Is TM here?
Min: *sigh* Yes, he wanted to see you, Rand. Go through.
Rand: Later, Miss MoanyMinny. *wink*

[Cut to scene inside the palace, where TM, resplendant in his multicoloured gleeman cloak, and bristling mustache, tests various power-wraught weapons on an endless line of Andoran peasants.]

Rand: TM, you wanted to see me?
Thom: Ah, Al'Bond! Come in, come in. Did you return my sho-wing car, that I made from those age of legends prototype plans we found, manufactured at great expense, lending to you only with extreme reluctance, on the understanding you'd take real good care of it and NOT break it?
Rand: Erm.. yes, I returned it, Sir!
Thom: In one piece?
Rand: Aah, veeeerrry nearly one piece, Sir.
Thom: *sigh* How many pieces?
Rand: Certainly not much more than a thousand, Sir. Twelve-Hundred tops!
Thom: Oh really now, 00-Dragon, must you break everything? *exasperated voice*
Rand: Sure I must. It's expected, Sir! Speaking of which, what've you got for me this time?
Thom: Ah, come take a look at this, Al'Bond.

: [TM goes to an object, roughly cylindrical, with a sighting mechanism on the barrel and double hand gips]

Thom: This is the Uzi-Shadowbane. Full auto loading and center balanced, takes twenty Saidin cartriages and spits out a thousand rounds of fiery liquid death .... for when you absolutely, positively have to kill every last motherf@$#&r in Shayol Ghul!
Rand: Wow! Show me! Show me!

[TM aims the gun at a line of cowering peasants... and pulls the trigger... the Uzi-Shadowbane spits a shower of Saidin wrought fire pellets at the screaming peasants, who are fried in moments.]

Rand: Now, that is a sexy gun, Sir! It can't get any better than this!
Thom: Aaah, that's where you're wrong Al'Bond. Come look at this...

[TM leads agent 00-Dragon to a familiar looking Mule.]
Rand: Bela?
Thom: Yes, but we've made some interesting modifications to her, Al'Bond. Climb up on board. *pats the saddle, waits for Rand to mount* Okay, pull her left ear....

[Compartments open on Bela's hooves, revealing wheels that take the weight]

Rand: Whoa! Cool! Can I steer her?
Thom: Pull the right ear first, Al'Bond...

[Rand pulls the right ear... Bela's tail lifts, and a jet ignites from the orifice, propelling Rand and Bela forwards on her wheels...]

Rand: Impressive, TM! *guides Bela in a circle around the room, mowing down a few peasants on the way*
Thom: You want impressive? See the reins? There's a green button - press it.
Rand: Alright, here goes.... *presses*

[Bela's mouth opens and a concealed weapon throws balefire across the room, slicing through several walls and columns, and of course, peasants.]

Rand: Sir, this is amazing!
Thom: Throat-mounted Smith 'n' Wesson Balefire Ter'Angreal Cannon, Al'Bond. Be very careful with that.
Rand: What does this button do? *points to the red button on the top of Bela's head....*
Thom: I wouldn't, 00-Dragon.....

[but Rand does press it, and finds himself catapulted from Bela by a jet propelled saddle, bouncing off the remains of the ceiling, before landing safely on a covenient pile of peasants, while Bela smashes through the remains of a wall and disappears off into the distance]

Rand: Ejector seat?
Thom: *snicker*
Rand: Bugger.
Thom: I'll send someone out to fetch Bela back, and we'll have her ready in time for your next mission Al'Bond. Do you need anything else?
Rand: Erm... I made a list...*pats pockets of his tux*.... somewhere... where did I.... Aha! *pulls out a list and passes it to TM*
Thom: *frowning at the list* two dozen exploding Tar-Valon marks.... six Grolm-grenades*.... a subscription to
DirtyOldLadies monthly?

 [*as seen in The Man with the Golden Shocklance]

Rand: Well...*shifts feet nervously* They're doing a special pull out section, TM. Leacherous in Latex, it's called. *blush*
Thom: Ah, very well then. Well, I suppose you've got things to do, Al'Bond?
Rand: Yes Sir, there's at least two dozen women in this compound I haven't yet sexually harassed, patronised or condesended to, TM.
Thom: Ah, well of you go then, stop by when you leave, and we'll have your weapons ready.
Rand: Well, thankyou TM... *sees the opportunity for a Bond-type-gag* I do like to have my weapons ready when I go out. *raises eyebrows*
Thom: *silence*
Rand: *raises eyebrows, nods to TM*
Thom: *pauses* What? Hmm? OH! Oh yes, erm... Ha ha ha ha, Al'Bond, you are so funny, really you are. Hee hee hee. Ho. Hum. Ah.
Rand: *nods and leaves*
Thom: *mutters* what a tit.

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Raina's Library - Other People's Humour