|Interview with the Great Lord
Recorded by Ayszgardha Eyuonhi
Well, thank you for coming here today. The buffet table’s just inside those doors; feel free to help yourself to some croissants and lady’s fingers. That’s wine punch in the crystal, hard cider in the silver. Let me introduce myself. I am Shai’tan, the Great Lord of the Dark, the Dark One, Sightblinder, Ba’alzamon, the Lord of the Grave, the Stormbringer, Leafblighter; as many titles as there are peoples, and then some.
Now, don’t you go thinking that just because people kowtow to me and call me the Great Lord, I’m all that. I mean, yes, I am great, but male? Bah, I have better sense then to be put in that predicament.
In my opinion, nobody needs a male counterpart, especially not if they’re a deity. I mean, how would you feel if you walked into the House of the Worlds and found the godly toilet seat left up? Certainly takes a bit of the spiffiness out of the place, it does. And that habit of leaving dirty boxers lying around… fagh.
Well, truth be told it was those dirty knickers lying around all over the place that got this whole mess of my being sealed away started. You see, the Creator …you know, that man has only one name, you don’t here anyone calling him the Great Bob or Josef or Mister Bringer of Flowers or anything, now do you? It’s just Creator and Light, back and forth, back and forth, so monotonous. Glad I am that I kept my maiden name. What? Back to the topic, you say? Well… where was I… oh, yes. The Creator and I got along for quite a while, a few hundred Ages with no problems. I cooked and tinkered around in the garage, he did the kept that garden and the animals. I’d say he did the housework too, but remember the boxers, sir, I always say remember the boxers.
I suppose in the first few millennia I was too in love to notice his faults. But after awhile, they just started showing through. The open commode. The dirty boxers around the bedroom. The racks of beefsteaks in the freezer. The remote control always going missing. It just started to nag on me. So naturally I started to nag on him. I mean, what else is a girl going to do?
I think on the whole I handled it pretty nicely. I was fair; just told him that if he didn’t start picking up his boxers and banging the toilet lid down I’d stop making his favourite biscuits and gravy. You know, not the canned gravy but the real stuff? Well, guess you don’t. They don’t make it the same these days.
Well, he didn’t take it so well. Seemed to think that it’s the duty of the Dark One to make sure he had his biscuits and gravy every morning. Well, I disagreed; we had a few tussles, and I moved out.
The Lord High Creator didn’t take that so well either. I mean, at first
he did; made a bunch of friends out of those Hellenistic deities, what’s-is-name
and what’s-er-name and all them; but then he decided that divorce was against
his religion, of all things. Me, I said he was the head deity of his religion,
couldn’t he make the rules? But he said no, he had standards, and then
he flaming –oh, pardon my language, I’m just a trifle bitter still-
he flaming had me locked up! Of all the things! Then he hitched up with
that gal named Aphrodite, for about three weeks… left me alone in solitary
confinement, still married and completely unable to attend my weekly mah-jongg
party, much less
It was like that for a while. Dull, I mean. Then, one day, someone came along and blocked me sunlight! Yah, all the gall! That’s all I had to do to entertain myself… watch the sun come up… go down… little break for the night… sun come up… go down… little break for the night. On and off for a few Ages. And then someone frilling came along and blocked the view! Big shiny citadel thing they set up, called it the Sharom. Now, Sharom sounds like some kinda French dish to me, but that thing they set up sure as heck was no cuisine. Big, roundish, never moved. At least the sun did stuff.
That thing drove me mad. I mean, back when I was all mobile I’d run around redecorating the garage regularly. If that thing could be tilted a little to the left, it wouldn’t have been so bad. But no…. it just sat there like a lump. That’s a very nice waistcoat you’re wearing…. Could I beg to know the brand? Oh, specialty work, very nice. Anyways…
So, when that lovely little girl –what is her name? Mierin? No, she
goes by Lanfear now, doesn’t she, a pity, she had such a nice name… well,
when that adorable child decided to be neighbourly and drill the Bore,
I just couldn’t contain myself any longer. I redecorated… my first
move was to smash that bloody orb to smithereens. It felt so good,
doing that… I took self-defense for phys ed credits during my senior year,
but I was a bit out of practice. Well, I was listless after that, and still
couldn’t leave the prison entirely. But there was just so much to do… When
I learned that he’d gone and made little people to populate all our gardens,
I have to admit I was
Well, I thought that was just darn nice of them, and encouraged the entire practice a little by saying thank you and making a couple of them immortal. The biologists, not the special creatures. Here, have another croissant.
What? You say you want to know more about the Sharom? Well, I can’t
tell you much more. It was there and it
No, instead I found out they built a bunch of tiny little things that were black and white. Well, I wanted to keep one as a collector’s item –it was my prison, after all- but they said no. So I drove all those guys mad. I had quite a gift for things like that, back when I was a gel. Was awfully fun, doing it again… wasn’t sure I still had it in me. More punch? I’ll pop into the kitchen, get some more.
Ah, there we go. Well, a couple more Ages passed like that… men going
mad, me still searching for the Seals…
Now, what’s your real feelings about little Nynaeve? I’m thinking… just
considering, y’know… that she might