The Battle Of The Champions - Mat vs the T-1000

by Asha'man Varel

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Third Annual Battle of the Champions. Our next fight is going to be major, because we have Matrim Cauthon of the Wheel of Time going up against the T-1000 of Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Before we go to the ring, where are two combatants are heading to, let's see the prefight interviews.

[MAT'S PREFIGHT INTERVIEW]
INTERVIEWER: Lord Matrim Cauthon?
MAT: I'm not a bloody lord, and ould you come back later? I'm trying to find some liquid nitrogen.
INTERVIEWER: You know how to kill a T-1000?
MAT: I read a book once. What's the point of this?
INTERVIEWER: It's the prefight interview. Do you think that you can defeat the T-1000?
MAT: Assuming I find the liquid nitrogen, I'd say that my luck's been good enough recently that I'd have one flaming good shot.
INTERVIEWER: And a hero like you isn't worried about the T-1000's shapeshifting abilities?
MAT: I'm no bloody hero, and I'm flaming well worried! Still, I'm not about to die just yet. I haven't married the flaming Daughter of the Nine Moons, whoever she is.

Tuon walks up.

TUON: Marry me, Matrim.
MAT: Okay, NOW I'm worried.
TUON (whispering into the camera): Okay, Mother, that should be enough to help you win your bet on the T-1000. I'll leave now.

Tuon walks off.

INTERVIEWER: We really need to put a lock on the door to this room or something.
[INTERVIEW ENDS]

ANNOUNCER: A truly interesting interview. Now for the T-1000's prefight interview.

[T-1000'S PREFIGHT INTERVIEW]
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, Mr. T-1000?
T-1000: Matrim Cauthon will be terminated.
INTERVIEWER: This is your prefight interview. Do you think you can defeat Matrim Cauthon?
T-1000: Matrim Cauthon will be terminated.
INTERVIEWER: I'll take that as a yes.
[INTERVIEW ENDS]

ANNOUNCER: Well, Mat and the T-1000 are in the ring, so let's go there. Arnold Schwartzenegger is this fight's referee.

[RINGSIDE CAMERA]

ARNOLD: Ah you rheady do rhumble?

The crowd cheers.

ARNOLD: Led's ged id ohn.

The bell rings.

MAT: Rand?
RAND (from offscreen): Just let me take out Demandred first, Mat.
MAT: Fine. Taim?
TAIM (from offscreen): Just let me take out Lews Therin first, Mat.

The announcer turns on the Mindcams.

MAT'S MIND: Blood and bloody ashes! Taim is Demandred!
T-1000'S MIND: Must terminate Matrim Cauthon...must terminate Matrim Cauthon...

Mat stands there gaping as the T-1000 punches Mat hard.

MAT: Burn me!
T-1000: Gladly.

The T-1000 pulls out a flamethrower and tries to set Mat on fire. When the flames die down, though, Mat is unaffected.

MAT'S MIND: Now, if only those bloody dice would stop rolling in my head...
RAND: I nailed Demandred! Here's the tank!

Rand uses the OP to fling a tank of liquid nitrogen into the center of the ring. Mat leaps over onto the side where the T-1000 is, punctures the tank, then jumps away as the liquid nitrogen pours out and freezes the Terminator. Mat stabs it with the spear, and the Terminator breaks into several pieces.

ANNOUNCER: And Mat Cauthon terminates the Terminator! Stay tuned for our next fight: Nynaeve al'Meara versus the Borg Queen!

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Raina's Library - Other People's Humour
 

1