Itís a long time now. A long time since I made my choice.

I thought it was right, then. Right for me. I didnít care about anyone else. What had the world ever done for me? My only duty was to myself.

But looking back, I wonder why I gave myself so many reasons, why I told myself so often it was right, if I didnít know in my heart it was wrong?


I know there was exultation. There was the feeling of power, sweeter than honey, stronger than wine, fiercer than fire. There was glory and dark glamour.

But then there was pain, too. There were days when I raged at myself in the mirror, cursed myself for betraying everything I was. There were days when I turned in shame from the horror, when I tore the skin from my hands trying to wash the blood from them. There were days when I screamed into the emptiness around me, pleaded with the black void for love, for understanding, for a pair of eyes that did not look at me with loathing and fear.

The Shadow gave me all I desired. But I longed for the Light.

So long ago, now. So long.

Now... exultation and pain both are distant memories. Those early days are past, their vivid hues faded at last into shades of gray. My choice is made. With full heart and mind I serve the Shadow, and the Great Lord is pleased. When the Light is defeated, as it must be, I shall have all the power I ever sought. Of course I am content. What fool would not be?

Yet somewhere deep inside me, some voice I cannot silence pleads...

Let me choose again.

I ignore that voice. I push it down and banish it from my thoughts. I serve the Dark. But when my mind drifts, when I dream, I find myself remembering what was. And again that voice comes, soft, plaintive, persistent;

Light, sweet Light. Let me choose again.

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Raina's Library - Stories