Christmas In Randland
courtesy of Matrim Cauthon at the WoT Alliance BBS


Matrim Cauthon (dressed up as Santa):"Ho Ho! Hello everybody! I hope you've been good this year! I've got lots of presents for each and every one of you! Now, come sit on Santa's lap and tell me what you want!"
Assistant Elf: First up: Naneeve Almara!
Nynaeve: That's NIN-NAVE you idiot!
Assistant Elf: Whatever.
MC(duas): Ho HO! Have you been a good little girl Nynaeve?
Nynaeve: I'm not a little girl you stupid moron! Matrim what's the deal here? Why are you dressed up like that? If I had my stick, I'd thump you like a red headed step-child!
MC(duas): HO HO! I see this little girl's a little feisty! Assistant Elf!
Assistant Elf: What?
MC(duas): Mark her down for one bottle of Prozac!
Assistant Elf: Okey Dokey.
Nynaeve: WHAT! YOU LITTLE SHRIMP! I'll kill you!
Assistant Elf: Now, now miss. Move along. There are other people in line.
Nynaeve: Arggghhh!
MC(duas): Ho HO! I guess she's a bad little girl. But I'm sure the next girl is very sweet. Who is it, Assistant Elf?
Assistant Elf: Graendal.
MC(Duas): oh. Well, send her on in.
Graendal: I was told that this was where the Forsaken were meeting. Where is everyone?
MC(duas): Ho Ho Ho! Hello Graendal! Have you been naughty or nice this year?
Graendal: (in sexy voice) Oh I've been very naughty.
MC(duas): Oh? uhh, really?
Graendal: Yes, Ive been a very bad girl. I need to be punished. Would you...? (Whispers something into his ear)
MC(duas): Oh, uh, well ya see, I kinda got this Santa gig that I...
Graendal: Oh I see. Well. Perhaps your assistant will be more...helpful?
Assistant Elf: Yahoo! Bye bye, Mat.
MC(duas): What?!?! You can't leave!
Assistant Elf: Relax. I'll ask them to get another Elf to fill in for me. Seeya.
MC(duas): But, but....awww man. *sigh*. OK who's next?!?!?
Man in Mask: *ahem* Escuse me, I was told you could grant wishes?
MC(duas): Ho HO! Only if your a good little boy!
Masked man: Uhh, yes, well, I am a VERY good little boy. So grant me my wish. Make me tall.
MC(duas): Hmmm, that's a nasty scar on your face. You look familiar....
Masked Man: Hey, man, just make me tall!
MC(duas): Well, I don't really do that kind of thing. I'm more into the toy department. But I can give you these really large elevator shoes.
Masked Man: Yes!....I mean, these will do. Thank You. Now let's see who's taller Lews Therin, heh heh.
MC(duas): It's gonna be a long night...Oh, who are you?
Elf: I'm the replacement.
MC(duas): Wait a sec. You look like a different kind of Elf...
Elf: Yeah, normally I stay in the Tolkien section, but they were running low on elves and the pay's good.
MC(duas): OK, just watch it with that bow and arrow.
Elf: Olver
MC(duas): Ho Ho HO! Merry Christmas Olver! And what do you want for Christmas this year?
Olver: *BLEEP* you Matrim. What the *BLEEP* is up with you? What do you think I'm some sorta *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* ya *BLEEP*ing *BLEEP*!
MC(duas): um... where did you learn those words Olver?
Olver: Where the *BLEEP* do you think I heard them, you *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*!
MC(duas): A bar of soap to wash out that potty mouth, that's what you get. Now who the *BLEEP* could he be getting it from?
Elf: I have no idea...
MC(duas): Who's next on the list?
Elf: Perrin Aybara.
MC(duas): ahhh! Good old Perrin! How's your wife?
Perrin: (looks around quickly) She's fine.
MC(duas): No problems? She seems kind of bossy to me.
Perrin: (worriedly) No, No, NO! She's perfect! I swear!
MC(duas): Perrin, I know just what you need. A spine.
Perrin: What's that?
MC(duas): *Sigh* gonna be a long night....

--------------------

MC: Oh man. I thought this was over. Sigh... who's next Elfy?
Elf: I'm not an 'Elfy', spear boy.
MC: Oh? I guess you just got your ears stuck in the pencil sharpener then, Dumb@$$.
Elf: You making fun of my ears?
MC: WHAT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Elf: Ahhhh! My ears! Stop!!!!
MC: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? *snicker*
Elf: Please, their very sensitive!!!
MC: WOW! IT MUST HURT A LOT, HUH?
Elf: Blacking out....must....kill...Matrim...
Beralain: Uh, hello? Is this the place where we get our fondest wishes?
MC: wha? Oh, uh, yea. This is the place. um...Ho Ho HO!
Beralain: Good. It's about time I got what I wanted. I want Perrin Aybara.
MC: Ummm... he's spoken for right now. But...
Beralain: Yes?
MC: I happen to know that his wife will be out of town this Friday, if you know what I mean *wink* *wink*.
Beralain: *sigh* Thank You, Matrim, but Perrin won't do it. Faile's got him so tightly wound around her finger that he won't dare do anything, or anyone for that matter, while she's gone.
MC: You want my advice Ber?
Beralain: What?
MC: Here (gives here a card).
Beralain: (Reading Card) 'MIW: We always get our man.' What is this?
MC: What? you don't know about Men In White?
Beralain: Huh? Have you been smoking too much Tabbac Mat?
MC: No, no. Listen:

(sing to Tune of Men In Black by Will Smith)

    Here come the Men In White.
    Darkfriend destroyers
    Here come the Men in white
    The Randland defenders!

MC: "Yo, so if you--"

Beralain: PLEASE! I've heard that song so much I'm going to puke. What does it mean though?
MC: I think that your hubby's gonna be a Whitecloak. Galad, more specifically. So get yo' butt over to Ghealdan, on the double.
Beralain: Hmmmm....it's a possibility. Thank You Mat.
MC: Another happy customer. Everyone's getting what they want... (whispers) except me.
Elf: What was that? I heard something.
MC: Damn, I forgot about your ear's. Never mind. It wasn't important. Who's next?
Elf: Elmindreda.
Min: THAT'S MIN, POINTY-EAR!
Elf: (To himself) Their not THAT pointy, *sniffle*
MC: Hello Min. Now what do you want for Christmas?
Min: Well, I've always had this problem where people aren't sure on wether I'm a boy or a girl...
MC: Say no more! You want me to "Beef up" your features, right? *wink*
Min: Well, yes.
MC: I'm making a special exception for you Min. Once every year I am given the power to grant someone's ultimate wish, no matter what it is. This year, I have chosen you. Now, stand back, and close your eyes!
Min: Yes! Thank you Matrim! (To herself) Maybe now Rand will forget about Elayne and that Aiel chick, heh heh!
MC: Mumble mumble, toil in trouble, etc. etc., abracadabra, hocus pocus, KABOOOOOOM! Open your eyes!
Min: Did it work! I feel funny...
MC: Don't worry Min. Know one will ever mistake you for a woman again.
Min: WHAT?!??!?!?!?!
MC: Yea, s'what you said wasn't it? Your a man and people think your a girl. They must be idiots, I could always tell that you were a boy.
Min: M, MA, Ma, Mat I--
MC: No need to thank me Min. It's all in a day's work for Santa Cauthon.
Elf: Um, Mat, she's not thanking you.
MC: What?
Min: I'M A WOMAN YOU IDIOT! YOU TURNED ME INTO A MAN!
MC: Your a woman? Oh wow. That explains a lot. So Rand isn't gay...
Min: Don't you understand what you've done! *Weep* *sob* now he'll probably marry Elayne or the Aiel weirdo! I hate you Matrim Cauthon! *sob*
MC: Relax Min. It's not like anyone will notice.
Min: Isn't there anything you can do?
MC: I told you, I can only do it once a year. Try to lay low, and next christmas, I'll see if I can do anything to change you back. Until then, just lay low.
Min: TRY!?!??
Elf: Come on dear. There are other people in line.
Min: ARRRGGGHHH! Hmmmm...come to think of it, Elayne is kinda hot. I wonder...
MC: Male sexual fantasy #356: Gender swapping female.
Elf: Maybe for you pal!
MC: OK, let's get this show on the road! Who's up?
Elf: Mazrim Taim.
MC: Oh this should be good.
MT: Hello Matrim. I was just wondering if....what the hell is that thing?
MC: Oh, that's just my Elf.
Elf: Hey, I'm not your pet!
MT: What's the deal with it's voice?
Elf: What? There's nothing wrong with my voice.
MT: Even a Eunach's voice sounds lower than that!
Elf: Watch it, bub!
MC: Hey guy's, come one, it's christmas.
Elf: Alright, but tell him to apologize first!
MT: (mimics in really high voice) Apologize first!
Elf: Shut up!
MT: (says in high voice) I'm a gay little Elf, la, la, la!
Elf: SHUTTUP! Ow my Ears!
MT: (sihv) gay happy little elfy man, tee hee hee!
Elf: That's it! (The Tolkien Elf and Taim get in a fight)

MC: Oh brother, is this night necver going to end?

--------------------

MC: Well, this is just great. My assistant Elf is fighting with Demandr-- I mean Mazrim Taim. Nynaeve's trying to kill me. Min's now more of a man than Perrin is, and I still haven't gotten my wish. Sigh.
MT: DIE FREAK!
Elf: By the Chest of Galadriel, I stab thee!
MC: Man, I'm getting tired of this. I better get someone normal next or I swear...
Elaida: *Sniff* I was told this is the wish place?
MC: Just a moment. (Mat gets out of his chair, walks past the Elf and Mazrim Taim, who has the Elf in a headlock and is telling him to say "uncle". He enters an ajdacent room, quietly shuts the door, screams, then walks back to his chair) Sorry. What were you saying?
Elaida: *sniff* Well, if you want to be so brash, I would like to rule the world, have Rand Al' Thor as a slave, and have Egwene Al' Vere's head on a pike. That's all.
MC: Hmmmmm. And what behaviour have you shown that would warrant these gifts? Elaida: Well, I, uh, protected the world from darkfriends.
MC: Sure you did. Now let me just read off the things that you have screwed up. Hmmmmm....Darkfriend as 2nd highest Aes Sedai.....broke the White Tower..... tried to still savior of mankind...... and general nincompoopery. I'd say that you've been a very bad girl, Elaida.
Elaida: (In sexy voice) Oh yes I've been a very---
MC: Cut it out. It's been done.
Elaida: Drat! Well then, what do I get?
MC: Hey Demandred!
MT: For the last time, I am not--!
MC: Yeah, yeah. How'd you like to have the Amyrlin as a christmas present?
Elaida: What?!?!
MT: hmmmmm. She could be the sex ed teacher for the Ash'Aman...Loial's not doing a very good job.
Elaida: WHAT?!?!
MC: Enjoy. If you misbehave again, you'll get something worse next year.
MT: Hehe! This is the best Christmas ever!
Elf: Hey were not finished yet! *cough* *cough* *hack*
MC: Oh, get off it!
Elf: He bit my ear off!
MC: hmmmm... Were you Evander Holyfield in another life?
Elf: I can't hear you. What'd you say?
MC: Never mind. Who's next?
Elf: Loial.
MC: This should be easy. Just give him a book....
Loial: Mat, can you believe it!?!? Mazrim Taim just fired me! On Christmas day! Jeez, maybe he is a Forsaken....
MC: Sorry to hear that. I wonder why?
Loial: Well, it's OK. Now I'll have more time to concentrate on my book.
MC: Oh really? What's it called?
Loial: The Bible.
MC: Tsk, Tsk Loial. That's an awful Title. What does it say about the book? Nothing. You need to make it grab the reader. How about: A Really Neat Story by Loial? It sounds much more effective.
Loial: Well, I geuss so... you sure about that Matrim?
MC: Positive. Who'd wanna buy a book with a stupid title?
Loial: Ok. Thanks for the advice.
MC: Anytime.

--------------------

MC: Light, I'm getting tired of this. Who's next on that light forsaken list?
Elf: Valdan Luca.
VL: Hey, you in the red hat! Where's this "Santa Cauthon" guy?
MC: Right here. Your talking to him.
VL: And you say you can grant wishes?
MC: Unfortunately, yes.
VL: Great, Great. Do you know Nynaeve Al' Meara?
MC: Unfortunately, yes.
VL: Well, I wish her hand in marriage!
MC: You sure about that?
VL: Yes, why?
MC: Nynaeve's undergone a small change in personality. Assistant Elf!
Elf: Yeah?
MC: Go fetch Nynaeve.
Elf: (sarcastically) yes, master.
VL: (confused) Wait, what do you mean "small change in personality?
Nynaeve: Hello, Luca, how are you doing?
VL: Huh? Uh, I'm, ahh, doing fine. What happened to you.
Nynaeve: Oh, I was just having some of the wonderful prozac that Matrim gave me. Isn't he sweet? He's such a good boy.
VL: What happened to your braid?
Nynaeve: Oh, I cut it off. It was so silly looking. Always getting caught on things.
VL: But what do you tug on when you get mad?
Nynaeve: Mad? What's that?
MC: As you can see, her personality has been a bit tweaked... No serious damage though.
VL: What? Where's her spirit? Her inner fire? Her...her vibrance?

(strong language coming up. Scroll down if you want to remain pure.)

MC: You mean her bitchiness?
VL: Be that as it may, Her "Bitchy-ness" was what I loved about her!
MC: Well, sorry. I gave her a year's supply of prozac... maybe next Christmas?
VL: Thanks for nothing Mat.
MC: Anytime.
Nynaeve: Why is he so upset?
MC: I don't know Nynaeve. Go play with your flowers.
Nynaeve: Oh boy! I love flowers! They're so cute and cuddly! Thanks Mat!
Elf: Mat, can I speak bluntly?
MC: I dunno, can you?
Elf: Mat, your really making a mess of things. That Min incident, the Loial title change, and now this Nynaeve thing. I really think your misusing your power.
MC: What are you, my judge?
Elf: *Sigh* Alright, alright. Let's just hurry up and get this over.
MC: Who's up?
Elf: Mogheidan.
Moggy: Hello Mat. Could you take this collar off for me?
MC: Sure. (snaps fingers, bracelet falls off)
Moggy: Heh heh! And now to deal with Nynaeve and Elayne!
Elf: Mat, I can't believe you did that!
MC: Hey, c'mon! I'm sure she's been very good this year!
Elf: You didn't even check the list!
MC: Yeah, well, I had other things on my mind. Anyway, what harm could she do?

(Hear voices from far down the corridor:)
"Hey, you stepped on my flowers!"
"Bwa Ha Ha! That's not all I'm going to step on!"

Elf: That's it Mat. I quit. Your bonehead ideas are ruining Christmas.
MC: Hey, man, c'mon, just give me one more chance! I promise that I won't make any more mistakes!
Elf: Well........ ok. There's only one more person on the list anyway.
MC: Oh? Who is it?
Elf: Rand Al' Thor.
MC: Hoo boy.

--------------------

Elf: OK, here he comes, and you better get this right Cauthon, or you'll never get your wish!
MC: Alright, now quiet down. Hello Rand!
Rand: Hello Mat. I've come for my wish.
MC: Oh? What do you want?
Rand: I would like to have every Aes Sedai enslaved.
MC: Ummmm.... That's kinda harsh don't you think?
Rand: Bah! What do I care for harsh! I want them under my power, and I want them now! MC: Well, let me check the list.... hmmm. Says here you almost killed Perrin.
Rand: A slight bruise.
MC: And that you committed adultery with Min...
Rand: Hey, look who's talking.
MC: And what about that Aiel chick? You killed her when you balefired Sammael.
Rand: Shut up Mat! Exceptions have to be made! Just give me what I want!
MC: I'm sorry Rand (glances at Elf) I can't. You've been a bad boy.
Rand: Fine! If I can't get a present, then no one will! I ban Christmas in Randland!
MC: Rand, c'mon, don't spoil it for everyone else!
Rand: I geuss that will show you not to mess with the Dragon Reborn! HA HA HA! (maniacal laughter) (Rand exits)
MC: Oh man. Now things are even worse. I really did ruin Christmas.
Elf: Man, that Rand guy's a real @$$hole. How'd you get to know someone like that? MC: He wasn't always that way. Maybe the power finally got to his head.
Elf; Hmmmm.... I've got an idea. Listen (Elf starts whispering in Mat's ear. Slowly a grin spreads over his face)
MC: Ok! Let's do it! But were going to need Perrin, Loial, Mazrim Taim, Nynaeve...

Later That Evening....

Rand: Hmmmm... Min looks different. Maybe she got a new haircut? Oh well, time for bed.
(Rand pulls covers up over his head and begins to snore. Suddenly, the sound of scraping chains can be heard from across the room. Rand awakes in a start.)
Rand: Wh-who's there?
MC (dressed in chains and flour): Rand Al' Thor.... Rand Al' Thor...
Rand: *Gasp*! What do you want, spirit?
MC: In life you knew me as Matrim Cauthon. I was your friend.... now I have come to warn you.
Rand: Me?!? Of what?!?!
MC: In life I sexed up chicks, swore, and gambled away my soul to the Dark One. See this chain? Each link was a girl I took pleasure with, each lock a "Bloody Ashes!", each bar a roll of the dice. I am here to tell you that your chain is twice as long.
Rand: This can't be! I'm the Dragon Reborn!
MC: You'll be the Dragon Covered in Weights if you don't shut up and listen. You'd do best to hear my warning Rand. There is yet hope of salvation.
Rand: How?
MC: Tonight you shall be visited by 3 spirits. One, the ghost of Wot past, two the ghost of WoT future, and three, the ghost of WoT future! Follow them, or else suffer the eternal torment!
(With those last words, Matrim vanishes)
Rand: Mat? MAT!

(watching from the distance, Matrim stifles a giggle. Behind him are Mazrim Taim, Loial, Perrin, and Nynaeve)

MC: Man, did he fall for that!
MT: Heh heh! This is hilarious!
MC: Yeah, thanks for letting me Travel like that! It felt kinda funny though....
MT: You'll get used to it.
Perrin: I don't know if we should be doing this guy's....
MC: Oh, for Light's sake...!
Loial: Perrin, were just trying to teach Rand a little lesson. Unfortunately, it has to be taught the hard way.
MT: Unfortunately? I'd say this is the best time I've had all year!
MC: Nynaeve, your on!
Nynaeve: Oh boy!

Rand: Hmmmm.... maybe it was just a dream-- Nynaeve? Is that you?
Nynaeve: Oh hello, Rand, I'm so happy to see you!
Rand: OK, that's definately not Nynaeve. Spirit, have you come to show me the path to righteousness?
Nynaeve: Um, I geuss so. Do you like this dress?
(from behind a curtain)
MC: Hurry up!
Rand: Did you hear something?
Nynaeve: Um, no. It's time for us to go Rand!
Rand: Go where?
Nynaeve: To the WoT past! Here, take my hand.
Rand: WoT past? What do you mean?
Nynaeve: You'll find out soon enough!

(As Rand grasps her hand, Nynaeve uses the the Power to make them rise of the ground. They fly out through the window, where MT has placed a travel gate. They come out in Emond's Field)

Nynaeve: Look familiar.
Rand: Of course. This is Emond's Field. I grew up here.
Nynaeve: See that house over there?
Rand: Hmmm... why, that's old Cenn Buie's house! He had the best christmas parties! He may have been a grouch most of the year, but when Christmas came around, he perked right up!
Nynaeve: That's right. Now, come inside, and see the Christmas spirit you have forgotten.

(while Nynaeve was talking to Rand, Perrin and Mat slipped through a gate and went inside the house)

MC: Everything ready, Cenn?
CB: Yeah, everything's all set. OK everyone! Let's party!

(Rand walks in)

MC: (whispering)Remember everyone. Pretend he's a ghost.
Rand: Why, there's Matrim, still alive and full of vigor. And there's Perrin, when he wasn't under Faile's control! And old Cenn Buie still as irrascible as ever!
Nynaeve: See Rand? If Christmas makes people happy, why take it away from them? Rand: Well, I guess... NO! It's not fun, because I don't get any presents!
Nynaeve: *Sigh* I guess you need more convincing. I'll leave you to the ghost of Christmas present...

(Matrim steps outside)

MC: Almost ready Loial?
Loial: Yes, I just need to get this mask on. Heh Heh! If this doesn't get Rand in the Christmas spirit, I don't know what will!
MC: Just remember, we can alway's use the ghost of Christmas future if this doesn't work.
Loial: Hopefully we won't have to go that far...

---------------------

MC: OK, Perrin, now remember, pretend you don't see him.
Perrin: Right!
MC: And Olver, did you memorize that speech?
OLver: What do you think I am some sorta *BEEP*-ing *BEEP* *BEEP*!?!
MC: OK. Faile, are you ready?
Faile: *Sniff*
MC: What's that supposed to mean-- Get ready! Here he comes! (Mat hides behind a curtain)

Rand:.... Wait, so your the ghost of Christmas present and your showing me what?
Loial in disguise: I'm showing you the christmas cheer that you have forgotten about. See? Why don't we look in on your good friend Perrin?
Rand: *Sigh* could you hurry this up? I've got country's to subjugate.

Perrin: Hello dear! I'm back from the palace!
Faile: Hello~!!! What's that cut on your forhead from?
Perrin: Oh, nothing. Rand was just a little upset, so he flung me across the room.
Faile: Ewww! That awful man! I'd like to...
Perrin: Faile! He's still my friend, no matter what happens. I'm sure that it's all blown over by now.

Rand: Like Hell it has!
Loial: SHHHHH!

Perrin: Now, let's say the blessing. Olver?
Olver: Yes, father.

Rand: I didn't know Perrin had a kid. I need to get outta the palace more...
Loial: Listen!

Olver: ...And we hope that the Dragon will watch over us forever with his all knowing power, grace, and kindness.

Rand: *sniffle* Now isn't that sweet! Maybe I have been too harsh....
Loial: Yes!
Mat (from behind curtain): It's working!

Olver:...Even if he is a *BLEEP*-ing *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*.

Rand: WHAT!?! I'LL KILL THE LITTLE BASTARD! DIE!
Loial (restraining Rand from balefiring Olver into oblivion): Ummm, maybe the Christmas future will be better?
Rand: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!

Mat: Boy, was that a disaster. OK everyone, we got one more shot at this! Let's not blow it!
Everybody: RIGHT!
Mat: OK, now let's move it! Everyone get into your places! Elf!
Elf: Yeah?
Mat: Put on your costume!
Elf: You got it, Mat.
Mat: Ok, here he comes!

Rand: ....No, I don't want to see the future! the only thing I want to see right now is my bed!
Loial: Oh? So you want to see your "resting place"?
Rand: Yeah!
Loial: Heh heh! Then go right on ahead!
Rand: Finally! Now maybe I can get back to-- Who are you?
Elf:......
Rand: Your not another ghost are you? I'm sick of ghosts!
Elf:......
Rand: Do you know who I am?
Elf:......
Rand: You don't say much do you? (The Elf starts to walk away. He motions for Rand to follow.)
Rand: Hey, where are you going!
(Taim and Mogheidan walk by)

Taim: HA HA HA! Life is easy now! Finally the Dark One rules supreme!
Moggy: Heh heh! And now Nynaeve is my slave! (she whips Nynaeve with her staff) Nynaeve: OWW! (whispers): Mogheidan, your supposed to be acting!
Moggy: Acting? Bwa Ha HA!
Nynaeve: Uh Oh.

Rand: Hmmmm. I wonder what he meant by "The Dark One rules supreme". This is so cryptic.
Elf:........
Rand: Hey, c'mon! The Ghost of Christmas present said that you would show me to my bedroom!
(The Elf points towards a cemetary.)
Rand: That's not my bed! He said to take me to my resting place, and I-- (realization spreads over his face) *Gulp* He didn't mean FINAL resting place, did he?
(The Elf grins evily and keeps pointing at the cemetary)
Rand: Wait, no this can't be right! (he runs into the cemetary, and looks at the grave the Elf pointed at)

It reads: Here Lies Rand Al' Thor, False Dragon and all around loser. He was killed in a rebellion against his harsh tyrranical rule.

Rand: WHAT?!? No this can't be... Wait!
(He runs back to the disguised Elf)
Rand: Please say this can change! Please! I'll do anything! ANYTHING!
(As he screams, he pulls at the Elf's robes, and rips them apart in doing so)
Rand: I'll even--- Hey wait a second. Your that Elf guy I saw with Matrim!
Elf: Uh Oh!
Rand: Hey, and who's that over there!
Mat: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! (Famous movie quote)
Rand: So it was you the entire time Matrim! You scared me out of my wits!
Mat: Well I, uhhh...
Rand: GRRRRRRR! You shall all pay dearly for this! You, Perrin, Faile, that no good little punk, Taim, Nynaeve, Mogheidan, and especially you Elf boy! You will all learn not to mess with Rand Al' Thor, the Dragon Reborn!
(everyone quakes in fear)
Rand: Now where should I sta-- Huh?
Aviendha: So there you are, Car a' Carn! You've been very naughty! Running off with that strange Min girl. I will teach YOU a lesson that you will not soon forget!
Rand: But I, you see, um...!
Aviendha: Have you ever danced with a Maiden of the Spear Rand? I think you'll enjoy it. Come this way...

Mat: Whew! With Rand all tied up (No Pun intended) we'll be free to celebrate Christmas.
Elf: What are you talking about Mat? It's December 30. Christmas was over 5 days ago. You blew it.
Mat: WHAT!?! All that for nothing!
Everybody: Thanks a lot Mat.... Jerk.... see if I ever ask you for anything again.....such an idiot.
Mat: C'mon everybody.... I'm sorry! Hey where are you guy's going! *sigh*
Elf: Bye Matrim. Seeya next year.
Mat: (nods his head weakly) Yeah. Man I really messed things up. I'm through with this! It's over! If everyonegonna treat me like this then I won't do it! Oh well. My only regret is that I didn't get my wish.... But hey, at least this is finally over! I can go home and get some R&R!
girl: Hello? I was told this was the place to get your wishes granted?
Mat:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Matrim runs out of the room, still screaming)

Assistant: Did you get your wish granted, Dot9M?
Dot9M: No. Such a strange man.... but sexy in a helpless way.
Assistant: Maybe you will meet again. Come, let me escort you back to the Seanchan base.
(The girl nods her head, and she walks out)

THE END

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Raina's Library - Other People's Humour

1