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Binramblin Yes I
thought it was time for a ramble - in truth, there is no
offcial time for a ramble, so anyone who fancies a ramble
can just begin to ramble, by declaring it time for a
ramble, as I have above. The question is where does a
ramble begin? Probably at the bginning - in my
experience, the beginning is a concept given to us by the
universe as a place to begin from. This is a fortunate
invention, as without it, we would have nowhere to begin,
other than at the end, and then we'd have to work
backwards, which would be a right pain in the butt. Or
technically, one can begin in the middle, but then the
rambler finds themselves interupted by people asking what
happened previously. So, at this point I was going to say
"Without further ado, let's begin" but then I
thought "further ado? what does that mean?" I
mean, have I been ado-ing up to now, and overdone the
amount of ado-ness, and thus should contunue without
further ado? Is there a limit on ado? How much ado is too
much ado? Should I ado for a bit more? With further ado?
So, the wheel of time turns, and the current age fades to
legend, which in turn fades to myth, which is long
forgotten my the time the age that birthed those myths
comes round again. So how does anyone know there's a
wheel then? Perhaps time itself is an infinitely
continuous linear measurement. Consider the goldfish. It
has a memory span of seventeen seconds. This is why
goldfish never grow bored of swimming around and around
in a bowl. They pass the little plastic novelty bridge
you put in there for them and think "Oh, thats a
cool bridge" and then by the time they swim round
again they have forgotten it, and say "Hey look at
that bridge!" - assuming they take at least
seventeen seconds to navigate the circumference. The
point being, that the wheel of time's raduis must be
variable depending on your point of view. For us it's
big, because even if our memory is limited, we record
history and so never quite forget. For a goldfish it's
seventeen seconds wide. Going back to our memory, it's
weird that we can recall that moment when we fell in a
pond when we were four years old, but can't remember what
we had for dinner last tuesday. Unless you had say
barbecued octopus on a bed of duck nipples, which would
be pretty memorable. Or unless of course, you have the
same meals on the same day each week. Soon, we shall
consider the nature of deja-vu, but for now consider
nostalgia - which isn't what it used to be, in my opinion.
We all love to reminiss (sp?) about good old days, golden
memories of a time when we were happy. But at the time,
did you think you were happy? Did you think, "wow,
I'll remember this moment in years to come, definitely."
No, you didn't. So you should perhaps think it now.
Because eleven years and three and a quarter months from
now, you will remember reading this message, and long for
this time to return. Eleven years and three and a qurter
months sounds quite precise, because it is. Scientitsts
have studied nostalgia and found it to be the optimum
time period for the best nostalgia experience. Althought,
for me, it is much shorter. Already, I am remembering
writing the first paragraph of this message, remembering
what a happy time that paragraph was, how I enjoyed
pondering the word "ado". Oh happy times.
Now lets consider deja-vu.... wait, haven't I said this
before? I'm sure I have. Why can we walk into a mall,
hear a partuclar piece of music, and see a particular
sight, only to suddenly experience a massive conviction
that the whole experience is one you have been through
already. Well, probably you have. It goes back to what we
just considered above, about remembering stuff from when
you were a tiny baby, but not recent events. Memories are
like a wine - they become vintage with age. Think of your
mind like a wine cellar, full of bottles labled things
like "Thanksgiving at Grandma's, 1978" and
"buried my brother alive, 1974" and "fell
off the house landing on fido, 1981" - that's how
your mind works. It won't let you open a new bottle
because the sedament hasn't settled. So anyway, it stands
to reason that something that happened a really really
long time ago will be a powerful bottle of vintage memory
indeed. But, that bottle may well be laying under so much
dust and cobwebs that you think it's lost. However, if
time is a wheel, then at that point on the wheel last
time around, you did exactly the same thing. Reaching
that point next turn around has the effect of shaking
loose that memory bottle, and out pops the cork, and deja-vu
hits you right between the eyes. Of course, it stands to
reason that if this is indeed the case, then we should be
in a constant state of deja-vu-ness. Sort of like going
"Hey, I knew that was going to happen!", and
then frowning and saying "Hey, I knew I was going to
say that!" then a moment later "And that! And
this! Oh god, help me...." It would be terrible, so
I guess that deja-vu is really a fault in the wheel -
technically, all old bottles in our mental wine cellar
get chucked out by some subconcious cellar caretaker. A
mental device if you will, to stop ourselves going mad,
making sure we think everything that happens to us is a
new experience. Stands to reason that the caretaker will
have the occasional sick day, and millions of years
later, (or seventeen seconds, in the case of a goldfish)
we reap the benefit of the bottle that caretaker missed.
Are you following all this? Please say you are, because
I'm not reading this, only writing it, so I'll be asking
you what I said later.
I am pausing at this point to carve my name on a bullet.
If there's really truth in that saying, then best you own
it yourself, as you are unlikely to want to shoot
yourself, and are thus safe. Kurt Kobain may disagree of
course. Hmmm, I like these little snippets of wisdom. One
of my favourites is "you'll always find something
you lost in the last place you look". Well of course
you will, who in their right mind would find something,
and then keep on looking for it? Perhaps this might be
worth an experiment. After all, who knows? You might find
them again somewhere else. Mock all you like, but you
cannot disprove this until you test it. What gets me is
why it is the same set of objects that like to get lost
so often. I think all objects contructed of matter in the
universe must be infused with an special energy that
helps them get lost. The more you got, the more likely
you will be misplaced. Car keys are positively glowing
with the stuff. And teaspoons, and very likely batteries.
And Lord Lucan, too. I think if we could invent a
discharger, we could unload this energy from objects and
make them likely to stay put. This morning I woke up with
a question at the forefront of me mind. Why can we see
camouflage? In fact, it's rather distinctive. I always
find my eyes drawn to people in combat trousers bending
over the freezer at the grocery store. So easy to spot.
Presumably, camouflage was invented by either a MR/Mrs
Camouflage. Since it is a stupid invention, let us assume
it was a male. So, one day, Mr Camouflage goes to the
army and says "Hey guys, I got a great new invention!"
and they say "What's that?" and he says "I
invented a cloth that when you were it makes you
invisible to your enemies!" and they say "Great!
Where is it?" and he points to his combat trousers
and jacket and says "I'm wearing it!" and they
say "What that green and brown splodgy crap? But we
can still see you! In fact, we can see you real good
like, better than we can see other things, as it happens."and
he says "Yeah, well it only works in the jungle!"
and they say "you think we have trouble hiding in a
jungle? Get out! Come back when you have something that
can let us hide in a girls-only dormitory!" Well
that's how the conversation should have gone. Obviously
Mr Camouflage was actually succesful, and patented it,
and gained great wealth from it. I heard he had a massive
palacial mansion built out in the forest, and had it
painted with Camouflage paint. Unfortunately, he can't
find it.
And why is it no pets have the same amount of legs as us?
Cats and dogs and gerbils and hampsters have four each,
snakes and goldfish have none, spiders and stick insects
and weird horrid stingy dangerous stuff that sick teenage
goths keep,they usually have at least eight legs, and
often more. And why would anyone want to keep bees? You
like honey so much, go buy
some from a store, dammit. Don't put a net curtain over
your head and stick it in a hive. That's just asking for
trouble. I should imagine that bee-keeping is a lonely
profession. It's not as if you can make friends with bees.
Can't imagine sticking your head in the hive trying to
make idle coversation while you steal their lifes work
can you? - "Hey Todd, hows the wife? Harry! Hows the
wing? Still sore? Oh dear. Is the Queen in today? No?
She's at a sporting event? Those darn royalty, they get
all the perks don't they!" Why don't people 'keep'
other creatures instead of bees? Spiders perhaps. I bet
you could keep spiders, and collect their webs. So far as
I know, outside of china there isn't much reserch done
into the usefulness of spider webs. I just bet they've
got some amazing medical properties, things like that
always do. Besides, even if they haven't, at least it's
something cool to collect. Imagine when people ask you
"what do you collect?" and you say "I
collect cobwebs!" and they'll say "Well, try to
move about more."
Oh and you know how some people think that it is so
clever to ask "How does the man who drives the
snowplough get to work?" as if it's the funniest
thing, or a huge enigma or something. Why, when it is so
obvious? The guy has a second snow plough! He uses that
one to get to work. I just wanted to clear that one up.
And also there's that one about "if a tree falls
over
on a forest, and there's no-one there to hear it, does it
make a sound?" Anyone who knows anything about a
forest knows that there isn't a square foot of forest
where something isn't watching you, listening to you, or
working out if you'd taste nice. So let that be and end
to it. Plus in a really tightly packed forest, hows a
tree gonna fall over? It would just rest against other
trees. Have you noticed this disgusting trend for
celebrities to give their kids disgustingly awful names,
like "starburst" or "MoonUnit" or
"Satchel" or "Fifi Trixibelle" or
"TigerLilly" and worse. How could they? All
they are doing is using it to keep themselves in the
public eye. I think it should be outlawed, and my son
SparkleGoblinDewdropStormrider agrees with me.
If you are still reading this then I conclude the
following things: (1) You have way too much time on your
hands. Or (2) You didn't actually read it, you just
thought to scroll to the end to see if I said who I am.
or maybe (3) You are so desperate for PoD you will read
anything, ANYTHING, just to fill in the hours. (4) You
are trying to work out who I am and wondered if maybe I
mention you, as a clue to whether you know me. Well, I
can safely say to Draelin, and Noire and ShadowKiller and
Loial and Ainvar and Ariella and Blaine and UkDarkhound
and Mat and Avi and TTO and KleineTeb and Egwene1 and
Egwene2 and Kiriath and Rhoddy and Talsier and SilverMoon
and Dazar and Rhett and Caly and Shardy and Carty and
Taim and Moraine and Carramaena and Eval and Sundara and
Sesami and LadySelene and Jarihn and Mordeth and Elayne
and Bair and SonjaBlue and LordBrend and Demandred and
ElanMorin and BaridBel and and Kerek and Ulrike and
Agelmar/Forsaken and Daylorn and Rheagar and Jandor, in
absolutely no order ......... yes, we might have met
before....... ;P
Binramblin.
Binramblin was better known as
Darkhound, or occasionally as the Mad Dog, and best known
for his story "Lan's Stag Party." This and some
of his other posts can be found in my Other People's
Humour section.
Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Raina's Library - Literary
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