"The Top 15 Things You'll Never Hear
at a Star Trek Convention"

15. "Will the owner of the red Porsche 911, license plate 'STUDMFN', please turn your headlights off?"

14. "Does this Star Fleet Academy uniform make me look fat?"

13. "Make it so, Baby, make it so."

12. "It's pointless to compare the original crew to the Next Generation, since they're only fictional characters anyway."

11. "I dunno, sometimes I wonder if the show was really deserving of all this attention."

10. "Kirk, Picard... what's the difference, they're both losers. I'll take Will Robinson and Dr. Smith any day."

9. "I got laid last night!"

8. "Look! It's Eddie Murphy!"

7. "You're nuts. Swimming is by far the hardest part of any Iron Man Triathlon."

6. "Oooh, Girlfriend -- Just look at all these hunks! Set your phaser for 'Love!'"

5. "If you think the brie's good, you should try the salmon pate."

4. "To Wong Fu, thanks for everything, Patrick Stewart."

3. "Dammit, Jim -- I'm a has-been actor, not an autograph-signer!"

2. "Jim Beam me up, Scotty."

and the Number 1 Thing You'll Never Hear at a Star Trek Convention...

1. "Hey, guys, how 'bout we finish this conversation over a beer at the
topless bar?"