It's happened again, the pain is unreal
I wish everyone could know that I feel.

She's having a baby, like so many others
Will I ever know the joy of being a mother?

"I'm not ready for this...it's not what I planned."
She complains to me, but it's out of her hands.

For some unknown reason God must think it's best
But it's getting harder to keep retaking this test.

I think I've done good, and think, "maybe this time"
But the answers God gives have no reason or rhyme.

My heart silently breaks, tears flow from my eyes
I beg God to answer my when's, where's, and why's.

I know that He hears me and wonder if He'd ignore
My faith is starting to wane, should I even ask anymore?

With my feet dragging and my head hanging low
I gather my stuff and simply prepare to go.

Why are my arms empty when others are blessed
I hand in my paper and refuse to take the test

"What's this?" Teacher asks, "You answered not a one"
"I know," I said softly, "with this test, I am done"

"But you can't make the grade, if you don't take the test."
"I know," I said with sarcasm, "But surely YOU know best".

I couldn't take it back, the words had caused Him pain
I heard His heart shatter, His tears fell like rain.

I felt a twinge in my heart, when I saw the tears He shed
I couldn't look upon His face, so from the room I fled.

I heard Him calling out to me, "My child...please, come back"
The leash that connects us tightened, then He gave me some more slack.

He'll never undo the leash, but He won't force me to return
Though I may wander far away, this lesson He'll let me learn.

--amh 11-17-98

*******************

*******************