"I am a 16 year old gay boy who is physically attracted to another boy in my
class. I just don't want to have him for his body I want a relationship with
him. What I want to know is there any way I can tell if he is gay? I am not
friends with him, but I am an acquaintance. I would be very appreciative if you
could answer my question. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter."
Who doesn't go through school with crushes like these? It's a completely natural and common occurence, but they can become very dangerous. Most likely, the boy you're attracted to, no matter how convinced you are, isn't gay. I remember a crush I had where I was totally convinced the boy was gay, even writing him an anonymous email (which of course I never got an answer from). Every day I picked out "gay" hints that didn't exist, on top of staring way too much (especially when I saw him shirtless!). A year or two later, after the crush had passed, I found out not only was he completely straight, but he already had 2 children...wow. So try not to get too involved, especially if you're not in a good enough position to expose yourself. The only way to really tell if someone is gay is to ask them, which almost always exposes yourself. Eventually, the crush will pass, whether it be in a year or a month. I know it's painful, but if you let it dominate your life, it can make you do some pretty stupid things, all for a boy who probably isn't gay. My advice is to wait till this crush passes, maybe find other people you know are gay to talk to and meet. Fantasizing about the person is inevitable (and fun too!) and there's nothing wrong with it. It's when you take the crush beyond fantasizing that it becomes dangerous. Even if you're completely out you're opening yourself to new harassment. Personally I've completely abandoned the thought of finding out that anyone I like at my school is gay, it's just too risky for that kind of openness. And trust me, everyone goes through these. Some are lucky and actually do pick the closeted gay boy to have a crush on, but the chances are slim to none. So, just sit tight and wait for it to pass. I promise you'll find someone much better, someone who you're sure about. =) Take care!
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"How do you tell if I guy is batting for you team? And if you crush
on a guy how do you deal with it w/o it being obvious in public?"
Well, if I knew how to tell if a guy was gay or not, I'd be a happy guy, but, honestly you can never be absolutely sure unless it comes from their mouth truthfully. Of course that cute guy is going to seem to do "gay" things or have gay mannerisms, you're most likely looking too deeply, or it's coincidence. Of all people, somewhere around 9 out of 10 are straight. But, and it's a big but: gaydar. Some people swear by it, personally I think it exists. Maybe it's not some supernatural force, but other gay men just know what to look for. So if you suspect someone, just watch them closely, if you talk to them, hint at the subject. But don't get your hopes up. Everyone falls for a straight guy, some painfully so. The only absolutely sure way to know someone's "batting for your team" is for them to honestly and truthfully say they are. And that's a tough situation to get into, because it almost always requires you telling your own situation. Basically, it's up to you. There's no sure way to tell. Being obvious about it could either hurt you or help you as well. There's no sure way to go about it. Just don't rush into anything, especially such an unsure thing. Good luck! =)
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"I'm a girl and I think I'm bisexual. I have been feeling attracted to the same sex since I was in 6th grade. I started feeling attracted to a girl who is a year older than I am in my school. I've also started to feel attracted to my own best friend, and I think of her everyday. All this stuff is driving me crazy. Whenever I go shopping or something, I always try to look at cute guys that walk past me, so that maybe I won't feel attracted to the same sex. But cute guys come with girlfriends, so in the end I end up looking at their girlfrends. Is it normal to feel this way when you're a pre-teen?"
The pre-teenage years are when you first start to feel attracted to other people, whether it be the same or the opposite sex. It's also a time of discovery and experimentation, so just because you are attracted to girls now doesn't necessarily mean you will be in a few years. Being attracted to your best friend is also a really tough thing to deal with. Most likely, the friendship is too valuable to risk attempting a relationship (if she even feels the same way about you). The only thing you can do is wait and see. In the mean time, just enjoy your life and don't worry about feeling "normal". There's no such thing. Take care! =)
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"I have had this friend since I was 8 named Brandon. We were extremely
close. Our friendship was almost like a relationship with the physical
affection. Well sometimes. He'd blow kisses at me, or kiss me on the cheek, and I
would too. One time he was spending the night over and I asked if I could listen
to his heart beat and he said yes and as I layed on his chest he fell asleep,
and I almost did. I've seen him naked, there's nothing that I haven't seen on him.
As far as sexual comes, I rubbed my face in his crotch one day as we were
playing and he enjoyed it.
Well later on, our friendship split up. He became a white thug, and I became a
outcast. We still say hello and have small conversations. But still till this
day I'm still in love with him. He knows I still care about him cause I went out
of my way to visit him when he had to have part of his intestines removed. (He
even went out his way to make sure I saw and touched the scar which meant he
stripped off his shirt and pulled down his pants and boxers enough to show me and
asked me to touch it) But I haven't come out to anyone besides two close friends.
And I really want to know how he feels now and if we could try something one
day.
Do you think this is a good idea and how do you think I should approach this?"
Well, that's tough. Experimentation is something we all do, whether straight or gay. But you're right, this seems like something more. Personally, I'd try to rekindle a friendship at least, and then see where things go from there. If you can't get a friendship to work, it's doubtful a relationship will. It may be tough in the beginning, if he is gay and a "white thug", he's probably locked up a lot of his feelings behind the "thug" exterior. So just coming out and telling him about your situation probably won't get a good reaction. That's why you need to become friends with him, get him to open up to what he was before he was stifled by society. Then tell him. And don't be upset if he's moved on or if he isn't gay. Good luck!
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"Hi my name is Shawn and I'm from Northeastern Pennsylvania. I'm
writing to ask a silly question I hope you can answer. I'm bisexual but DO NOT
know how to come out to my parents or friends. I think my parents and SOME
friends suspect it. But, how can I tell them without them being disgusted or
having mixed feelings about me? I hope you can answer my question, and it would
greatly be appreciated. Thank you!"
Okay, this is one of the toughest questions you could ask. Even though I've been through it, I don't think I'd know what to do if I had to do it again. Pretty much you've just got to go with your heart but be careful as well. If your parents are always using anti-gay slurs or deeply religious, coming out to them may not be a good idea while you're still dependent on them. On the other hand, your parents could be very gay friendly, but not when it comes to you coming out. Don't force the subject either, that'll get them suspicious very quickly. You'll know when the time is right and just be calm and confident. They may very well be disgusted by it, but you can't help that. You can only help them to see that you aren't really disgusting and that you don't live up to the stereotypes. This will take time. I still don't talk about the subject with my dad at all, but hopefully he'll come around slowly. My mom was also shocked by it, and her first reaction was "Oh no! I'm not going to have any grandkids from you!". But eventually she realized that I wasn't going to change. There are lots of resources on the web and in print that can help you along this process (probably the biggest of your life). Visit the resources section for more information or try www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html! Good luck!
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"Hi, first of all kudos to you on doing this site and all.
I'm a gay 18 year old male, I'm very involved with a gay youth group, and also
with a gay club at school. My question pertains to good ways to get queer youth
to know about clubs/youth groups and get them to come out to them, cause it's
not very fun to have a youth group meeting with only a few people. So any advice
whould be appreicated. Thanks"
Well, the best way to get people to come to your youth group is to advertise the right way. Put of posters or hand out flyers, put an ad in the local newspaper, and advertise by word of mouth. But while doing this, make sure you're advertising the right thing to the right people. Puting an ad for a gay youth group in a newspaper for senior citizens isn't going to help much and neither is saying something like "Come join the gay club! Be gay with us!". Most of the teens who might be interested in attending are probably scared away because they think it will "out" them, or that someone will find out they attend meetings of a gay club. You've got to find a way to reassure people that this is a safe environment, even still, I definitely would have been too afraid to go to a gay club meeting when I was younger. Most of the people who attend I'm guessing are already out to at least some people, so those are the people you need to advertise to. Getting the closeted people to come is possible, but will be really tough. Good luck!
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"I like this girl at school and she says that she likes me to but it's like she
never really shows it. I mean I want to have a relationship with her but I'm not
sure if she will be commited to me because she's always flirting with other
females and I don't like that stuff. I ask her if we can spend time together,
like on the weekends or whatever or if we could at least talk on the phone and
she just gave me excuses on how she doesn't have time. I know that if you really
liked somebody you would at least try to get to know them and stuff like that
but it seems like she's not really interested in that. She acts like I'm the one
holding onto her but everytime I let her go and don't speak to her she wants to
come around and start trying to talk to me and everything. It's like she really
doesn't want me out of her life but she doesn't really want to put me in it
either. I thought about just using her and thats it but I care for her and thats
not what I want. Andrew I need you to tell me what to do because I don't want to put myself out there by telling her how I really feel about her and having her not feel the same and also I want to know how I can go about talking to her about it and everything? By her actions what do you think she wants and how she feels? Thanks Andrew. Hope you're doing alright. Bye."
I'm doing fine, thanks! As of your situation, you only really have three options. The first is to not do anything and keep living with things the way they are. I wouldn't suggest doing that, because this girl obviously doesn't care enough about you to committ to you or tell you she doesn't want to committ. You're likely to get hurt, and besides, that would defeat the purpose of asking for advice! The second option is to confront her. Talk to her seriously, explain your situation and how you feel and flat out ask her where she stands. This could work, though if she's really bad, she could lie to you to keep you around. There's no real way to tell if she's honest, but if you're serious enough with her she should tell you the truth. The third and final option is to just say goodbye. If she isn't responding to you asking for a relationship and is flirting with other girls, she doesn't value you as much as she should to be in a relationship. This will be the most painful of the three options, but it's the most likely to get you out of your situation with the least amount of emotional damage. Right now, you're at risk of getting even more attatched to something that may not be there. I'd say the best way to deal with this is to confront her. If she says she isn't ready for a relationship, it may hurt, but it'll save you from a lot more in the future. If she says she is ready, make sure she is, bring up the flirting and lack of attention to you. Good luck!
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"Hi,
I have a very serious boy friend. We are sexually active and (supposedly)
monogamous. I discovered on his computer that he recently has been looking at
nude pictures of men and even chatted on gay.com and looked at some profiles
(this appears to have been a brief one-time thing, the chat/profiles, so far).
Yesterday he was not interested in having sex, because, most likely, he
masturbated to the nude images. So, I am a little jealous, and don't want to
confront him since I dont want to admit checking up on him.
My question is: is it something healthy and typical and harmless for him to
engage in? I realize he is bored now because college doesn't start for him
until august, and sure, a guy has to do something. If it is normal and not
threating to our relationship I will go forward happy and secure not looking at
his computer. Or, is it an indication that he is not satisfied in our
relationship and likely it will led to cheating? Cheating would be too painful
for me to tolerate and there are potential health risks as well. I don't want to
over react here, I just want to know if monogamous gay men from time to time
just like to supplement a monogamous sexual relationship with online
masturbation. Thank you."
As a member of a long term monagamous relationship myself, I know what you're talking about. This is most likely not a good sign. If he does it frequently it usually means that he isn't satisfied with the relationship. On the other hand, you can't expect him to completely refrain from masturbation. If you think it's a frequent occurence and he's been refusing sex on a regular basis, it's probably a good idea to talk to him, even if you don't want to. Communication is the basis of a healthy relationship, and it's the only way you'll know for sure what's going on. Ask him if he's satisfied, sexually and emotionally. Don't mention the fact that you checked his computer, that will only make him angry and feel like you don't trust him. You can bring up his recent lack of interest in sex as a concern, but try not to accuse him of anything. Be open to what he says and listen. It may not be what you want to hear, or it could be something that will help the relationship. Good luck!
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"How do I stop the urge of homosexuality? Is it normal? Or is it just a phase? I always find myself masturbating to pictures of male-teen idols. Can you help me stop!? I'm so confused."
The simple answer is, you can't. If you try to suppress it, you'll hurt yourself and make your life miserable. There's no treatment, "cure", or program that can change you either. You are who you are, and that's completely normal. It's common to try to rid yourself of homosexual feelings when they first develop, but it's like trying to change your hair color by will-power alone. Eventually, you'll come to accept yourself for who you are. It could be just a phase, but it's extremely unlikely. If you have to force yourself to look at girls, if they don't excite you at all compared to men, and you feel "different" from other guys you're most likely gay. It's also very normal to be confused. Being a teenager is confusing as it is, and throwing in something like sexual identity just makes it worse. That's why you need supportive people to talk to and resources to help you learn about who you are. I recommend checking out the Resources section for help. Whatever you do, listen to yourself, your true self. Be who you are, not what you think you should be. It might be scary, but you'll be a whole lot happier. Good luck!
~Andrew
Dear Andrew,
"Andrew...sweet site. So many questions I had have been answered. Thanks! Anyways, I have a situation. My best friend is a girl and a couple of months ago we started screwing around and our relationship grew. It was our secret but now we are
going out. She knows that I am bi and really doesn't care. We have been going out for about a month and a half and she now wants to have sex. I want to but I am thinking that it will make our relationship serious. I am still attracted to
guys all the time and sometimes I really want to have a boyfriend or just screw
around with one of my gay friends. How can I tell her that I have doubts about
having sex? And also should I be in the relationship if I am thinking about guys
also?"
Well this is tough. You really need to decide if you really are bisexual or if you like this girl and want to have sex with her because you feel it's the "right" thing to do. Since you are having doubts about having sex with her, you probably shouldn't go through with it until you get those doubts cleared up, because yes, it will make the relationship serious. Let her know this, that you're not sure you're ready to have sex and that maybe you're not sure about your sexuality. For guys, bisexuality offers a more acceptable "in between" that is a lot more comfortable than being gay, but trouble arises when you get into a relationship with a girl and find yourself not sexually attracted to her. It's much easier to just be true to yourself and not label yourself. So you like guys a lot and girls a little, or like girls and guys equal, or girls a lot and guys a little. It's much easier and less confining than saying you are gay or bisexual or straight. Since this is your best friend, she should be understanding, although she might have developed feelings for you, which may cause some tension. The best solution would be to let her know that you are having doubts that you need to resolve before things get serious. Think about what you really want and where you'll really be happy. Don't think about what other people will think or how they will react. Then decide if this relationship is what you really want. Basically, take a breather and evaluate what you think will make you happiest and stick with that. Good luck!
