April 23, 2001 I'm just not feeling like myself lately. To be expected I guess. An old boyfriend has been around.......Vince. Not sure what to make of this. Ian is weirded out by it I think. Especially since Mike is still a client. So two people I've dated are still hanging around....I imagine Ian's a little uneasy. I would be. Nothing to fear, though. Brett's here. He's visiting with Travis. They both got teary-eyed and it really was upsetting. Heather couldn't handle it so she left. Hope tonight we'll all be okay....we're going out for drinks and to see a band play. I should go. -So sayeth me "Everybody wants to fly like Superman but no one is prepared when it turns out more like the Greatest American Hero." -A friend "What a frightening thing, when you wrap your head around something and realize your fix isn't good enough." -James Hetfield April 18, 2002 Well, things are looking up. I'm having a great time with several friends of mine who paid me a surprise visit. Travis, Jacob, Jessi, Brian, and Heather are all friends of mine from Ohio. They flew in two days ago and just shocked the heck out of me. I didn't expect this at all. Travis is going through a tough time right now and seeing him out and about is wonderful. We've all been partying and sight-seeing and it's been great. They love Ian....I knew they would but it's cool to be hanging out with all these people I love. I haven't had these guys all together for a long time. My newest client is also making me so happy. My job is really to keep him on track with diet and exercise, keep him feeling good about himself, help him learn to be happy, etc. But he's such an incredible character and I think he's helping me in ways he probably never imagined he could. He began my program as an inactive person who was about 125 pounds overweight. Now he has just 65 pounds to go, has basically turned his entire life around- personal life, physical habits, financial situations and occupation........he's a real inspiration. I should go. Work is calling and I need to meet my buddies uptown in a while. -So sayeth me "Slowly learning that life is okay....is it better to be safe than sorry?" -Wohlstandskinder April 17, 2002 I found out that my friend, Travis, has terminal cancer. How someone so young and healthy could be afflicted with such a thing, I'm floored. I've been in shock over it for a while. I feel like crap and I feel like I've lost him already. I'm trying to be positive with him because his attitude is horrible. But inside I just want to die. I should be excited about some things that are happening for me soon, but I hate to even think about it all. -So sayeth me "I know I'll do the right thing....if the right thing isn't feel." -Aaron Lewis, Staind "Chances blown.....nothing's free. Longing for....what used to be." -The Offspring April....something, 2002 I can't even remember the date. I was sick for a while, now I'm finally better but still a little bit slow moving and thinking. I'm waiting for my newest client to show up. I'm worried about him. I really don't have much to say. I don't know why I thought to come here and type. I'm excited about one thing right now....and that is going to Australia in June. I miss my house. Hmmm, what else. Ian is still amazing, still a hottie, still here in NY with me. Oh, and I'm excited about seeing Pearl Jam perform again. No tour, just a show I was lucky enough to be invited to. I can't wait. Other than that, same old stuff I suppose. -So sayeth me "When it's time to party, we will always party hard." -Andrew W.K. "I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane...... It's my aeroplane." -Red Hot Chili Peppers March 12, 2002 My friend, Brett, informed me today that I have commitment issues. He was really just poking fun at me but we ended up having a serious discussion about it. He thinks I have issues because of my tendancy to bail out of relationships just as they seem to get serious. Okay, I see his point. But this past year I've just been avoiding my true feelings for Ian, in all honesty. I just sort of dated a few other characters to try to forget him. Sounds really retarded, doesn't it? It was, actually. I just never imagined Ian and I would work. How wrong I was. I'm sick of my clients right now. People do not want to work for what they want. They want shorcuts and easy ways out. It's like I have to beat them over the head to get them to do the exercise programs I design for them. Honestly, Mike is the only client I look forward to working with right at this point. The dude's a machine. I bought some property in NYC. I'm pretty excited. All of my properties in Ohio are sold now and I've been needing some new investments. Why, I don't know. Something to do I guess. Ian, my light at the end of the tunnel. He's getting into his sock drawer right now. Nice ass. It's nice to be online for once. I'm buying some jewelry from this Scottish designer's website. And now I'm sick of wasting my time with this journal so I think I'll head out. -So sayeth me "Show me what it's for......make me understand it. I've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer." -Hoobastank February 22, 2002 Damn this confusion! Should I stay or should I go? I want to cuss. Fuck. There I did it. I don't feel any better. Ian (Eddie) and I are wanting to take a trip and I'm not sure it's a good idea right now. Just because I began a new program with a new client and I feel she needs me right now. Just writing this out made me realize I have nothing to be stressed about. I actually sound like a whiny, spoiled brat complaining in that first paragraph. Somebody smack me. I might stop posting this journal online. For anyone who reads......this online journal is taken from portions of my hand-written journal. I don't know, my feelings change so often..... The last few weeks Ian has really shown me how to enjoy simple things.....I really needed to reconnect with life in that respect. Just today I noticed how much I love certain things about Ian's appearance. I mean, yeah he's gorgeous, but his hair.......it's always sort of spiky. Well, not spiky, he doesn't use gels or anything. He sort of has chronic bed-head, it just sticks up. But it's so freaking sexy. And I loved just sitting here with my friend, Jen, drinking a Bud Light (yeah, I drink pissy Bud Light) and just watching ESPN. Nothing exciting, but it was such a simple and wonderful half hour to spend with a buddy. Life is calling. -So sayeth me. "All surrounded......by the things I thought I'd put away......" -A friend February 19, 2002 Mike and I parted ways as far as the dating.....he's still my client and a great friend. But I've been spending so much time with this Eddie character and one thing just lead to another, and boom. Craziness, that's what it is. But I like crazy. Eddie's not his real name- his name is actually Ian. One of his middle names is Edward and for some reason I've always called him Eddie. I stare at him a lot. When he's not staring at me, that is. It's just amazing how alike we are, I can't get over it. Similar personalities, same interests, same gifts, same likes and dislikes. You'd think we'd clash because of that, or argue. But no. I've known him for just over a year. I knew I would end up with him.....somehow, I have no idea why I always had that thought. He says he felt the same and that's why he's pestered me for the past year. What a sweety. I'm still on a vacation of sorts. Very little work going on here. I've been connecting to my creative side lately, writing some music with Eddie and jamming with friends. It feels good to be free and able to just wander about doing whatever comes to mind. Eddie and I tried something interesting last week. We meditated together.....sat facing each other and held hands. I don't want to go into complete detail, but I will say it was an amazing experience. I have no idea why or how we thought of the idea but we just went with it. In the end, not all that spiritual, but it lead to some intense physical discovery (heheh). Gotta go. -So sayeth me "Dusting off your savior You were always my favorite Always my man......all in a hand." -Red Hot Chili Peppers January 7, 2002 My sister went through a trial physically these past few weeks. Had a lump in her abdomen, which was frightening. She's so young and physically fit- she's working to be a personal trainer (following in my footsteps, heh).....so this was very surprising. The lump was just a cyst and benign, thankfully. She's perfectly fine now, as it looks, so I'm very happy about this. This is my reason for not returning to Australia as planned. That's okay, I'm planning to go back after a little more time knowing my sister is okay. A lot has happened in my life since my last entry. It's wild how I've managed to re-arrange my life so drastically in this little time......no more Vince, dating my client, Mike. But I have someone else in my life messing with my head- Eddie. Lord, what craziness. My magickal practise is much more refined. Meditations are more intense, I've created a few changes magickally that I'm very satisfied with. Just in the way of stress relief, and various other things I consider to be spiritual. I'm taking more time alone lately, especially at night before bed. Enough of this. I have too much crap to do today. -So sayeth me "Life, it seems will fade away..... drifting further everyday Getting lost within myself.... Nothing matters, no one else." -Metallica November 12, 2001 It's been awhile, as I expected. I'm not really any more busy than before. I just am trying to mind my time a little better. I'm enjoying my stays with Vince. He is less busy with work and keeps surprising me with nice things. My friends say we make them sick because we act all "mushy" and kissy face. That cracks me up because we really don't. Especially since I keep dreaming about this client I have......I'm awful. I got my apartment- it's a loft- which did take up some time this past week. I had to buy new furniture and things so I had a couple shopping days. I had a moving and furniture company haul everything in so my friends and I just spent a couple days arranging and decorating. Still a bit sparse as far as decorations, but since this apartment is temporary (maybe) I doubt I'll go too crazy. I don't know, my thoughts of staying in NY change daily. The apartment is like my sanctuary. It feels like mine, rather than like I'm using someone else's home to stay, and it's more relaxing than the hotels because, again, it feels like mine. It's only a block from one of Vince's homes and two blocks from my friends Rachel and Danni. I really don't feel like sharing anymore right now. I'm boring myself with this entry so I think I'll end it for now. -So sayeth me "My eyes....like windows to my soul. I reveal myself, I feel no shame. What says this of me? Have I found myself? Does my soul seek attention, am I weak? Undanted.....uncertain? I have matured....I am a child." -Me November 2, 2001 This is probably my last entry for a while. Things are going to get too busy for me here in a few days. I want to use my free time to visit friends and keep up with my magickal practises. Last night, I swear, I nearly had a heart attack. We went to a party, watched the World Series. The Yanks need to stop scaring everyone to death. This 9th inning come-back stuff is stressful! My friend is visiting from Seattle. He's here visiting a few friends. I'm excited to have him here. He's amazing. My Samhain celebration was nice. I did get time alone....I had worried that it wouldn't happen. But, after the party I decided to stay in my own place and be alone. I stayed inside, had a ritual bath to prepare, and performed a divination spelll, which was interesting and gave me a chance to connect with the spirit realm. My Eve of Samhain celebration was wonderful- I performed my ritual in Vince's courtyard and really connected to the goddess on this occasion. She seemed to be speaking to me, and she gave me the ideas for my divination spell. I did end up telling Vince about my celebrations before hand. He was so interested, and had no problem with it at all. He has a relative who is a Pagan and has similar celebrations during season changes. I was relieved because even though he's a very spiritual person- interested mainly in Buddhist and Hindu ideas- I still worried about his reaction. That's all I feel like sharing right now. I hope to be able to share more soon. -So sayeth me "Science fails to recognize the single most potent element of human existence -letting the reigns go to the unfolding- Is Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith" -System of a Down October 31, 2001 I'm excited about my Samhain celebrations. I'm performing at Vince's place, in his courtyard, as long as the weather stays nice. I haven't told him about celebrating. I have no idea what he would think of it. He told me he's falling in love with me. Frightening a bit. But I like it. I've only been working with my clients this week. No real estate work, no meetings, and no charity work. So I've been writing, having lunch with old friends, visiting parks, playing with the website, and the like. Vince is working on a project right now, still in the writing process, so he sort of gets me in the mood to write. I made the trip to the "new age" shop the other day and stocked up on my incense and herbs. It's a quaint little place. It smells so nice in that store. They had cinnamon incense burning. My friend Tyler went along with me. Rachel just called....reminded me I have to meet with a potential client this afternoon. Holy socks, Batman. I forgot. -So sayeth me "I'm shrinking in my leather chair....I'm leather in my shrinking chair. No, I'm not analyzing the situation, you are. Wooden matches form words, glowing tips tell me...what you meant to say but never did. Nod your head yes, shake you head no, pretend you had nothing to say. Short words, long thoughts....I learned to adapt. Moon waxes.....eyes open. Moon wanes.....eyes closed." -Me October 27, 2001 I feel like I have a hangover, but I don't. It's weird. No headache, really, just that drained, sort-of-sick-but-not feeling. Mike, one of my clients (and a friend) says I need to slow down. He's not the only one who says that. My parents called and said it, Vince says it, Rachel and Kaytlin say it, the guys say it and they haven't even been around me in a month. Carmel told me so in email. Okay, I admit, I need to actually take a day off and not just plan one. On the days I "took the day off" I ended up working with Mike anyway, going to a meeting anyway, and visiting friends anyway. So far today I've been a slug. Ate a little breakfast, had a bath, walking around in my robe, listening to a cd. I met Vince's daughter. She's the cutest. I was worried she'd not want me around. But we clicked immediately. She's eight. Looks like her daddy, but a little like her mom too. Her mom is very nice also. She wants to have dinner with me Tuesday. I can't decide why, but we set a date for it- her daughter is going to be along too. I really don't know what to make of it but Vince says she is just friendly. Okay. They never were married and didn't date all that long so I don't feel like she's threatened by me- I don't feel threatened either. Now, if only his ex-wife was this nice. Thespians.....a strange breed of people. Why do I get involved? I need some new incense and some sage. I will need it for Wednesday. There's a great little shop just few blocks away from here. Maybe I'll head down there for a while. It has a nice, relaxing atmosphere. I've said enough. Pearl Jam is playing. -So sayeth me "A man lies on his bed in a room with no door.....he waits for a presence, something, anything to enter. After spending half his life searching, he still felt as blank as the ceiling at which he stared. He is alive, but feels absolutely nothing....so is he? When he was six, he believed that the moon overhead followed him. By nine, he deciphered the illusion, trading magic for fact, no trade-backs. So this is what it's like to be an adult? If he only knew now what he knew then. I'm open......come in. Lying sideways atop crumpled sheets and no covers, he decides to dream. Dream up a new self, for himself. " -Eddie Vedder October 22, 2001 Well, my off-time didn't last nearly long enough. I haven't even had time for email (most of it anyway). Looking into a vacation soon. Actually, instead of going away on vacation, I might just go home. To my home in Australia, that is. The Yanks are kicking butt in the playoffs. I get to see the game tonight, a friend of a friend sold Vince his tickets. I can't wait, I haven't seen them play since earlier this season. The energy is much different during the playoffs. I'm reading a new book called Memories of Magic. I read 5 pages last night so I can't say it's good yet, but it didn't put me to sleep. I might give a review on my site when I'm finished- IF I ever finish. I have a friend who requested some healing energies from me. The reason I make note of it is because he knows of my practise and my beliefs but never took them seriously- it's as if he thinks it's a phase I'm going through. His father is having bipass surgery. He asked for a candle lighting and "whatever else you can possibly do for him..." Gotta head out of here. -So sayeth me "Your memory serves you so badly. Some people kill for less.....yet I'd still die for you gladly." -Level 42 October 18, 2001 I was supposed to have a few hours alone yesterday but friends dropped by and that was that. But I got alone time today! Vince has a photo shoot, I cancelled a meeting, and my clients bailed for the day. Lucky me. What to do with myself....meditation is a must, maybe even a quick ritual to honor the god and goddess. Want to offer some energies to a friend as well. This thing with Vince is moving along rather quickly. It feels right so no worries, really. Well, one worry surfaced again just as I mentioned that. When we were introduced, I thought he was a lot younger than he is, but alas, I was wrong! Oh well, he looks and acts like a youngster so why should I give a crap? Besides, he's wonderful. A friend, Rachel, is finally back on her feet after a bout with appendicitus. I'm trying to convert her to Paganism because I need a pagan friend around here. Not really. She's Catholic anyway. I'm reading email as I write this. Someone who visited the site said he won't recommend my site to anyone because I said "ass" on one page. Well lah tee freakin' dah. ASS. Gotta go. -So sayeth me "So I may be off-the-wall...just a little bit. May seem to be unfriendly...but that's not it." -The Living End October 16, 2001 Right now, I'm in New York City, and experiencing the Autumn season here is amazing. My friends and I have been spending as much free time as possible walking outside, visiting the parks, and also taking drives outside the city into the rural areas to see the landscape. Fall decorations really add to the spirit of the season, at least for me. Having beautiful objects to look at that constantly remind us of fall are a must, in my opinion. I'm not at home and not able to decorate my own place right now, but thankfully, the guy I'm dating- his name is Vince- loves the season also and we've decorated a bit at his place just today. Several of his friends also joined us and we had a small party, cooked outside over a fire, and set some pumpkins, gourds, dried flowers and leaves, baskets, and so on, around the place. He has a large courtyard, and it's beautiful out there. Just the act of decorating the place makes such a difference in my mood. Vince and most other friends here are not Pagans but they enjoy the season and seem to appreciate the beauty of it. My life is so hectic. I've been thinking about that a lot recently. Travelling all over damnation, meeting with potential clients, helping with local charities, over-active social life, blah blah. In a regular day, I have zero minutes of alone time. Okay, life is great for me right now but I keep thinking....I need to make free time for my magickal practises and meditations. I've lost touch recently. I have to go, unfortunately. Besides, I just looked over at Vince and realized I have nothing to be complaining about. -So sayeth me. "How do I know I'm God? I was praying yesterday and I realized that I was talking to myself." -Unknown HOME |
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