Sweet Surrender

Author: Chauni

 

Email: ChauniMaxwell@mechpilot.com

 

Website: www.oocities.com/asukalangley2nd/

 

Warnings: Sap…lot’s and lot’s of sap

 

Pairings: 3x4

 

Disclaimer: I don’t own the GW boys, or  “Sweet Surrender” by Sarah MacLauchlan, nor did I make any money off this. Pity me.

 

 

Sweet Surrender

 

 

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all

 

            I was not surprised at my own actions. It was strange, now that I can remember it all. I stepped in front of the blow, a calm demeanor as usual, staring out at the scene laid out before me. Normally, I feel so empty, so alone in this universe, doing my tasks as efficiently and detached as Heero, but this time I do believe I felt more inside myself than ever before.

            Some would say that I did what I did for Heero, but they couldn’t be farther from the truth. I remember looking at Sandrock, through Sandrock, and seeing the beautiful face of my desert rose staring back at me, angst more sharp than a dagger through the heart, wrenched across his face.

            It was then that I knew what to do, what I had to do.

 

the life I've left behind me
is a cold room

 

            I remember thinking that my legacy would be nothing, just some nameless soul as I should be, as I was during life. The only person that would most likely ever remember this forsaken soldier would be Quatre, but that was all that truly mattered. I would rather be remembered by one person with love than by a thousand people with indifference.

 

I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return

           

            Oh, God, did it hurt! That pain, that tearing! I shudder to this day when I recall it. In the blinding light, I wanted to scream, but no sound could issue forth; I wouldn’t allow it. I should perish silently, less for my dearest to be burdened with, I suppose. However, I could hear him scream from where he sat in his Gundam, across that empty and cold space, and I could feel his tears against my burning flesh.

            I do believe, right then, I wish things could have turned out different. I think I wished, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I was not forced to carry the weight of the colonies upon my shoulders and I could turn back time. It was not my own death that made me think these thoughts, but the emptiness that I knew Quatre felt. Perhaps I sound conceited here, but I know he felt it, only because I felt it as well.

            Who knew death would be lonelier than life?

 

where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home

 

            How I wished could have been in Quatre’s embrace right then, so gentle and delicate like him. His face was always so reassuring and peaceful, his heart so full of nothing but love and mercy. He surely is the one that brought us all together, and in turn, brought the peace finally into my life. He returned me my soul, holding it out to me with large clear eyes and a small smile.

            Yet, now due to this war, a needed war, but a war nonetheless, I cannot go home. I cannot return to the one person who bestowed unto me any sort of illusive calm. Now, I feel death, and with that, the void of eternity.

            Quatre….

 

and sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

 

            Beautiful rose in a desert of death, I wished for your arms in that vast darkness. I wanted to give into you, like all those nights before. I remember clearly, stepping out of my Gundam upon first meeting you, my hands raised. You looked at me like an equal, no fear, no doubt, no hate. You trusted me with your whole heart upon that first time we laid eyes on each other, you smiling so innocently, as if no blood had ever stained your hands. I really think that none ever has, regardless of the battles and death we both have been subjected to.

            I would be complete if I spent the entire remainder of my life staring into your eyes. Nothing would suit me more.

 

you take me in
no questions asked

 

            I recall our first night together; how you shook against my flesh like the fear of death gripped your soul, but you stared up at me with nothing but love in your eyes. I held you for so long, and swore on that night to protect you no matter what the cost. You kissed me, your lips so soft and warm against my own. You fed me a rush of emotions, things I never knew existed in such an impartial world.

            Someone loved me.

            Someone gave me a reason to keep fighting.

            Someone gave me hope.

 

you strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me

 

            And in that night, with the moon high and swollen as if pregnant, I forgot about the crimson that always stained my palms when I looked at them. I couldn’t remember the death that always followed me, nor the blood that I had shed. I disregarded the war at hand and the missions that were supposed to take precedence over all else. In that darkness, I was yours and you were mine, even when you whispered my name against my ear, your breath tickling the flesh.

            And in the void of death, I was so cold and longing for your warm embrace, just once more. I could get through an eternity of nothing as long as I could feel your lips against my own just one more time.

            I closed my eyes in the darkness, feeling its cold tendrils caressing my flesh, inviting my submission, my demise.

 

are you an angel
am I already that gone

 

            I could feel a warmth against my flesh and saw a small radiance through my eyelids. I opened one of my emerald eyes, astonished to see you before me. Your eyes stared at me, a pure sea-green that makes the deepest ocean look corrupt, while your flesh glows with a brilliance that is impossible to achieve. You wore a long robe, plain and white, and your hair shimmered like gold. Feathered angel wings, divine and sacred, whiter than snow, protruded from your back.

            Your arms wrapped around me, your wings enforcing your soft embrace. You pulled me in, like you always have, like you always will.

 

I only hope
that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here
on my knees

 

            Your lips were so close to mine, your body so inviting. Is this my eternity? To be with you? Am I truly worthy of such a thing? I didn’t dare kiss you; I didn’t want to spoil this fragile moment.

            “Quatre…” I whispered.

            “Trowa.”

            Your voice was like heaven to my ears, something so untainted and pure. I recalled playing music side by side, our notes mingling together into the air, feeling so close to you in that instant. I remember loving you, something so comforting in such a confusing world.

            “You can’t leave me yet, Trowa.”

 

and sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

 

            I was not about to argue with you, my angel, my savior. I did not agree and fight out of greed or selfishness; my life was the furthest thing from my mind. I remember feeling that safety within your sparkling eyes, the love in that large innocent smile, and knowing that you needed me. I had to be there, to protect you.

            I had something worth fighting for now, and I could not give up yet.

 

sweet
sweet
sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

 

            You disappeared into the darkness that surrounded us then, taking all the radiance and heat with you. I wanted to cry in the encompassing blackness, but I knew that would not help me, help you. I fought, with intensity I fought for you.

            I suppose in a way, I have become your knight, your protector, as surely as you have become mine. I am but a slave to you, and you, my beloved angel, are my drug.

 

and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall

 

            I remember looking out at the sky as I sat outside the circus one cool night, the wind kissing my face as softly as you used to. I remember feeling your pain, not even sure who you were, just knowing that you needed me. I could taste the salt in your tears on my lips, hear you whispers in my ears. I remember the scorn I received for such feelings, how much my sister despised my leaving. Nothing and no one could keep me from you though, not then and not now.

            I remember looking into your eyes again, that peaceful sea-green that seemed inhuman, and falling in love with you all over once more. I remember the sensation of your unearthly warm flesh against my own and knowing you are the reason I continue to breath.

 

I miss the little things
oh I miss everything

 

            In that time we were apart, I remember the emptiness within my soul. My will to fight and battle had been ripped from my heart; I had nothing to protect any longer. I could not remember exactly what was missing, but I knew it was the core of my being. I remember a face, one more beautiful than any painting, one innocent boy who could put this weary soul to good use.

            I missed you, my beloved.

 

it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all

 

            My words are nothing, really. I was never truly good with words; you were the first person I have ever opened up to, as you very well know.

            Stop crying, little one. Come here. Let me hold you.

 

the life I left behind me
is a cold room

            “Oh, Trowa,” you say. “I can’t believe you feel that much for me.”

            With a steady hand, I reach over and wipe the tears from your smooth cheeks, then bring them to my lips. I want no emotion of yours to go to waste.

            “So, my little one, will you marry me?” I ask again, holding up the small, velvet black box. The ring inside glitters in the light, catching and twisting the radiance within the facets of the diamond.

            You hold your hand out, something small and delicate and clean, oh so clean. You can cleanse me of my past, but now that I think about it, you already have.

            “Of course I will, Trowa.” Your tears refuse to stop their precession down your cherub face. “I love you, always and forever, until the end of time.”

            “And I, you, my beautiful angel. Until the end of time.”

 

The End

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