One Liners Part 3

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce. I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't women blink during foreplay? Who has the time?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?
What's another word for thesaurus?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

Where is the best place in a bookstore to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
- In the pages of a romance novel.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk...That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. -Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -C. Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --WC Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, and not develop potbellies, He would have given us non-expanding stomachs. -George Beimers

Work is the curse of the drinking class. -Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -Deep Thought, J. Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. -David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. -Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. -Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George J. Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson

What's the definition of a Male Chauvinist pig? - A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do men like blowjobs? - Because it's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

Did you hear about the new all female delivery service? - It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it!

Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women? - Because what starts off as a small blow, ends up taking half your house.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? - Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What's the first thing a blond does when she wakes up in the morning? - Walks home.

What has 100 legs and 1 tooth? - The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.

What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a computer? - A fucking know it all.

How many country-western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Five- one to change the bulb and the other four to sing about the old one.

Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? - None. They just like to sit in the dark and bitch about it!!

Why did the woman cross the road? - That's not the question. What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?

Why shouldn't you buy a woman a watch? - Because there's a clock on the stove!

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
The light went out, but where to?

How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are or how to spell faux pas?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because he is a little bigger!

Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?

If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Don't think that you're thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you take the path out of pathos, where will it lead you?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.

The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.

The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.

We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Employ teenagers - while they know everything.

The best antiques are old friends.
Down with gravity!

Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...!
People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.

A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error..

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? (my personal favorite:)

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

OFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
(I'd like to know where the key labeled "Any" is.)

Buy a Pentium Pro so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

<-------- The information went data way --------
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Don't look back; they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

Never economize on information or forethought.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

A day without sunshine is like --- well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will search 20 minutes for a golf ball.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

Political correctness strikes again. Political correctness is defined as having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."
"Be kind to animals, everybody. They're reincarnated relatives."

"Man, an animal that makes bargains." - Adam Smith
"Of all animals, the boy is most unmanageable." - Plato

You've heard of party animals? I'm a party vegetable.
A cat is an animal who never cries over spilled milk.

A hungry grizzly doesn't give a care about YOUR animal rights.
A proud member of PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals.

ANIMAL RIGHTS MEANS OPEN SEASON ON HUMANS!
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

And why *DID* cats decide to become domestic animals?
Animals are more than food. They're also leather and fur.

Cat - (n) An Unprogrammable Animal.
Coming soon from Microsoft Foods: Animal Hackers

FORFEIT: What most animals stand on.
Human (n): Useful domestic animal popular with cats

Human: The only animal who can be skinned more than once.
No animals were harmed in the posting of this message.

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on Earth.
Rainforest: a scarcity of animals and a plethora of tourists.

Reading taglines has been shown to cause cancer in lab animals.
Rock and Roll sheep listen to Pink Floyd's "Animals"....

SPAM: Scientifically-Produced Animal Matter
Save Laboratory Animals. Use Lawyers instead.

State Wildlife Protection Area - party animals live here.
Support animal literacy!

Supper(n):dead animals & some stuff from the ground.
THe eVil bUnnY liT all tHe othEr aNimaLs oN fiRe.

The male is a domestic animal that can be trained to do most things.
Tested on small, cute, furry animals with big, sad eyes.

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll
This is "Be kind to Animals" week. Take your boss' wife out to dinner.

Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater.
We're two different animals, we live jungles apart.

Why experiment on animals when there are so many Windows users around?
zoo: A place where animals study the habits of humans.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

"Vegetarian" - Indian word for "lousy hunter"
A job is nice but it interferes with my life

Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders
Avoid mailmen, they're carriers Back the Metric System every inch of the way!

Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same thing.
Brains are more useful if no one knows you have them.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

How many IRS auditors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb REALLY gets screwed.

Redneck Driving Etiquette
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in

Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Theater Etiquette -
What's the theater?
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a bride.

It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "Tell yah what I want," says the little seal to the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club."

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I love defenseless animals, especially in good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Robin Hood was a terrorist.
Shake well before and after use.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Bumper stickers
Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Caution: I drive like you do.

Pickup Lines
"Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself in there."

"I like your choice in pants, but could I talk you out of them?"
"Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Well, can I?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?"
"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I'll make your bed rock."

"I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"
"By the way, how do you want your eggs tomorrow? Scrambled or fertilized?"

"Hey, baby, I don't dance, but I'll hold you while YOU do."

"I was wondering if I could get your name so I know what to scream out tonight in my dreams."

"I know milk does a body good, but jeez!! How much have you been drinking?"

"Be different. Say yes."
"My friend over there wants to know if you think I'm cute."

"Why not surprise your roommate by not coming home tonight?"
"Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be."

"I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?"

"Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long."

"If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon."

"I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your house?"
"I love every bone in your body - especially mine."

"My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot."

"Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?"
"I lost my bed. Can I borrow yours?"

The ultimate rejection is when you're jerking yourself off, and your hand falls asleep.

It's bad when you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

It's bad when your huntin' dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

If there was a bi-sexual pride parade, would it go both ways?

Wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.

It is really hard to face your problem, when your face is the problem.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
About as smart as playing leapfrog with a unicorn.

He likes to say he was born in 1958. Oh yes, that's the room across from 1957, right?

I learned French in six easy liasons.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

Then there was the undertaker who signed all his letters with "Eventually yours."

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
Did you hear about the guy who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?

All my life I said I wanted to be someone... I can see now that I should have been more specific.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
I swear to god I'm an atheist.

Modesty is one of my more outstanding qualities.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

The Clairvoyant Society has cancelled today's meeting due to unforeseen circumstances.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Then there was the undertaker who signed all his letters with "Eventually yours."

If you die on an elevator, be sure to press the UP button.

With his new horn, when a good-looking female appears to be obstructing the way she can be tootled with vigor.

A witty saying proves nothing but that people love an inward smile.
If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all.

I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
What's all this I hear about 'Endangered Feces'?

Our Universe is simply one of those things, which happen from time to time.

Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. -Heinlein
Children today are tyrants. They should be dethroned and deposed.

We should make dueling legal again. Manners might improve and posting nonsense would most certainly decline.

If you can't say something nice about someone, you are probably talking about Saddam Hussien.

To impress a man: Be female, show up naked, and bring beer.
Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Why don't Junior Leaguers like group sex?
They dread having to write all those thank you notes.

Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.
Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don't use no double negatives.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.
He is not afraid of commitment, he is Monogamously Challenged.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Kill all exclamation points!!!
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Void where prohibited and you'll probably pee anywhere.

How do you get a University of Maine graduate to get off your porch?
You pay for the pizza!!

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have his head up his ass; he suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.


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