Hermeneutics in everyday life
Suppose you're travelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.
1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.
3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.
5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
6. A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things:
1) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law.
2) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed.incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage:
Rabbi Meir says: "He who does not stop shall not live long." R. Hillel says: "Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding." Rabbi Simon ben Yudah says: "Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings." Rabbi ben Isaac says: "Because of the three patriarchs." Rabbi Yehuda says: "Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: 'Be still, and know that I am God.'" Rabbi Hezekiel says: "When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign." Rabbi Gamaliel says: "Rabbi Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: 'Out of the mouth of babes.'" Rabbi ben Jacob says: "Where did the stop sign come from" Out of the sky, for it is written: 'Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens.'" Rabbi ben Nathan says: "When were stop signs created" On the fourth day, for it is written: 'let them serve as signs.'" Rabbi Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages]
8. A Pharisee does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
9. A scholar from Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
10. A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunately omission in the commentary, however; the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.
11. An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".
12. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.
13. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar emends the text, changing �T� to �H�. �SHOP� is much easier to understand in context than �STOP� because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because �SHOP� is so similar to �STOP� on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.
14. A scholar participating in internet mailing list discussion saw the sign STOP; he copied it and sent to all other participants. The sign STOP appeared in all the streets of the world and fouled the traffic. Fortunately the situation was resolved because most of the participants deleted the sign STOP.
15. A British philosopher, in conversation and correspondence with his colleagues, arrived at thirty-seven different possible definitions for the word �stop.� After taking a semester off to write a book on whether or not definitions are even possible, he resumed his work by publishing an article in the Journal of Symbolic Logic, presenting a purely formal decision procedure to choose among these thirty-seven definitions.
We are pleased to announce winners of the second Bad Writing Contest, sponsored by the journal Philosophy and Literature and its internet discussion group, PHIL-LIT.
The challenge of the Bad Writing Contest is to come up with the ugliest, most stylistically awful single sentence - or string of no more than three sentences - found in a published scholarly book or article. Ordinary journalism, fiction, etc. not allowed, nor is translation from other languages into English. Entries must be non-ironic, from actual serious academic journals or books - parodies cannot be admitted in a field where unintentional self-parody is so rampant.
Note that much of the writing we would consider �bad� is not necessarily incompetent. Graduate students and young scholars please pay attention: many of the writers represented have worked years to attain their styles and they have been rewarded with publication in books and journal articles. In fact, if they weren't published, we wouldn't have them for our contest. That these passages constitute bad writing is merely our opinion; it is arguable that anyone wanting to pursue an academic career should assiduously imitate such styles as are represented here. These are your role models.
First prize goes to David Spurrett of the University of Natal in South Africa. He found this marvelous sentence - yes, it's but one sentence - in Roy Bhaskar's Plato etc: The Problems of Philosophy and Their Resolution (Verso, 1994):
�Indeed dialectical critical realism may be seen under the aspect of Foucauldian strategic reversal - of the unholy trinity of Parmenidean/Platonic/Aristotelean provenance; of the Cartesian-Lockean-Humean-Kantian paradigm, of foundationalisms (in practice, fideistic foundationalisms) and irrationalisms (in practice, capricious exercises of the will-to-power or some other ideologically and/or psycho-somatically buried source) new and old alike; of the primordial failing of western philosophy, ontological monovalence, and its close ally, the epistemic fallacy with its ontic dual; of the analytic problematic laid down by Plato, which Hegel served only to replicate in his actualist monovalent analytic reinstatement in transfigurative reconciling dialectical connection, while in his hubristic claims for absolute idealism he inaugurated the Comtean, Kierkegaardian and Nietzschean eclipses of reason, replicating the fundaments of positivism through its transmutation route to the superidealism of a Baudrillard.�
It's a splendid bit of prose and I'm certain many of us will now attempt to read it aloud without taking a breath. The jacket blurb, incidentally, informs us that this is the author's �most accessible book to date.�
Second Prize is won by Jennifer Harris of the University of Toronto. She found a grand sentence in an essay by Stephen T. Tyman called �Ricoeur and the Problem of Evil,� in The Philosophy of Paul Ricoeur, edited, it says, by Lewis Edwin Hahn (Open Court, 1995):
�With the last gasp of Romanticism, the quelling of its florid uprising against the vapid formalism of one strain of the Enlightenment, the dimming of its yearning for the imagined grandeur of the archaic, and the dashing of its too sanguine hopes for a revitalized, fulfilled humanity, the horror of its more lasting, more Gothic legacy has settled in, distributed and diffused enough, to be sure, that lugubriousness is recognizable only as languor, or as a certain sardonic laconicism disguising itself in a new sanctification of the destructive instincts, a new genius for displacing cultural reifications in the interminable shell game of the analysis of the human psyche, where nothing remains sacred.�
Speaking of shell games, see if you can figure out the subject of that sentence.
Third prize was such a problem that we decided to award more than one. Exactly what the prizes will be is uncertain (the first three prizes were to be books), but something nice will be found. (Perhaps: third prize, an old copy of Glyph; fourth prize two old copies of Glyph.)
Jack Kolb of UCLA found this sentence in Paul Fry's A Defense of Poetry (Stanford University Press, 1995). Together with the previous winners, it proves that 1995 was a vintage year bad prose. Fry writes:
�It is the moment of non-construction, disclosing the absentation of actuality from the concept in part through its invitation to emphasize, in reading, the helplessness - rather than the will to power - of its fall into conceptuality.�
Incidentally, Kolb is reviewing Fry's book for Philosophy and Literature, and he generally respects it.
Arthur J. Weitzman of Northeastern University has noted for us two helpful sentences from The Johns Hopkins Guide to Literary Theory and Criticism, edited by Michael Groden and Martin Kreiswirth (JHUP, 1994). It is from Donald E. Pease's entry on Harold Bloom:
�Previous exercises in influence study depended upon a topographical model of reallocatable poetic images, distributed more or less equally within �canonical� poems, each part of which expressively totalized the entelechy of the entire tradition. But Bloom now understood this cognitive map of interchangeable organic wholes to be criticism's repression of poetry's will to overcome time's anteriority.�
William Dolphin of San Francisco State University located this elegant sentence in John Guillory's Cultural Capital: The Problem of Literary Canon Formation (University of Chicago Press, 1993):
�A politics presuming the ontological indifference of all minority social identities as defining oppressed or dominated groups, a politics in which differences are sublimated in the constitution of a minority identity (the identity politics which is increasingly being questioned within feminism itself) can recover the differences between social identities only on the basis of common and therefore commensurable experiences of marginalization, which experiences in turn yield a political practice that consists largely of affirming the identities specific to those experiences.�
Finally, the Canadian David Savory found this lucid sentence in the essay by Robyn Wiegman and Linda Zwinger, in �Tonya's Bad Boot,� an essay in Women on Ice, edited by Cynthia Baughman (Routledge, 1995):
�Punctuated by what became ubiquitous sound bites - Tonya dashing after the tow truck, Nancy sailing the ice with one leg reaching for heaven - this melodrama parsed the transgressive hybridity of un-narrativized representative bodies back into recognizable heterovisual codes.�
Denis Dutton is past President and current Media Spokesbeing of the New Zealand Skeptics.
�It is vain and foolish to talk of knowing Greek.� - Virginia Woolf
Choosing a Bible used to be simple. Back in 1978, when I was first born again, I used the same Bible everyone else did: a paperback edition of the Living Bible called The Way (in fact, I wasn't aware there was anything else for quite awhile). It wasn't until about a year later that I �graduated� from The Living Bible to The New International Version. This was a bold step for someone in my peer group; the only other person we knew who used an NIV was our youth group leader, of whom we were all in awe, because he was so smart that he could actually pronounce names like �Mahershalalhashbaz� without swallowing his tongue. Over the following years, I slowly became aware that there were even more Bibles to choose from, and they continue to be fruitful and multiply to this day. There are so many editions and translations available that if they were laid end to end, they would reach all the way from the Gideons to Wycliffe International. How is the hapless Christian to choose one?
I have owned 3 or 4 different versions of the Bible and have glanced at many more in the bookstores. This, as any government official will tell you, constitutes Extensive Research. I am therefore fully qualified to tell you which Bible you should own. Using the handy reference guide below, find the category into which you fit best to find out which Bible you should be reading:
Business Professional: King James or New International Version. Carry a medium-sized hardback edition in a conservative black or dark blue zippered case. Do not write in your Bible or stick papers in it; take sermon notes in your daily planner. Clip your pager and/or car alarm remote to the pocket on the front of the cover. Carry a book by Larry Burkett with your Bible.
Pastor: King James Version. Carry a softback leather-bound edition. Use the built-in ribbons to mark your key Scriptures for a sermon. Keep your Bible in a briefcase with a book by Chuck Swindoll.
Advanced Pastors Only: Dake's Reference Edition. Keep a magnifying glass in your briefcase so you can read the dispensation charts in the back.
Housewife/Mother: New International Version For Women. Carry it in an quilted cover with a handle and lace edges. Make sure something falls out whenever you open the cover, such as a pacifier, a Happy Meal toy, or cracker crumbs. When you can't find your Hi-Liter, mark passages with crayons from the bag of toys you also carry at all times.
Pentecostal/Charismatic: The Amplified Bible. Carry a large print paperback edition and stuff it full of offering envelopes, tracts, sermon notes, and church bulletins. Tape a Benny Hinn crusade schedule inside the front cover. When asked to read out loud in a group, say, �I'm reading from the anointed Bible-The Amplified Bible!� before you read. If you are a woman, carry a tambourine with your Bible. If you are a man, carry a book by John Avanzini with your Bible. Keep your Bible as dog-eared as possible. When the spine breaks, fix it with duct tape.
New Convert: Jump up from the altar, rush straight to the bookstore, and buy the biggest Bible they have - preferably a six-inch-thick, 25-pound family Bible, complete with a family tree and color photographs of St. Peter's Basilica. Take it to McDonald's and read it while eating a Big Mac. Get Special Sauce on it and think God is going to strike you dead. Later, buy The Living Bible and have all your new Christian friends sign their names inside the cover.
Teenager: New International Version Youth Bible or Life Application Bible. If you are a girl, get a hardback or leather-bound edition and emboss your name and a little dove on the front cover. If you are a boy, get a paperback edition and tear the front cover off. When leaving the house for Sunday church services or a youth meeting, always forget to bring your Bible until your mother reminds you. When you arrive, quickly throw your Bible into the nearest pew so your friends won't see you carrying it. Alternative method: Keep it inside your backpack with a pair of shoes on top of it.
Lay Minister/Elder/Adult Sunday School Teacher: Scofield or Thompson Chain Reference Edition, International Inductive Study Bible, or Greek/Hebrew Interlinear Bible. Get an annotated reference edition with two pages of commentary or maps for every page of Scripture. Mark the individual books with special adhesive tabs. Using twelve different Hi- Liters, color-code each and every verse. Carry a Strong's Exhaustive Concordance, a New Unger's Bible Dictionary, a Halley's Bible Handbook, and three notebooks (not to mention a bottle of Doan's Pills!) with your Bible at all times.
We are truly blessed to have so many choices when buying our Bibles. There are almost as many different versions of the Bible as there are different types of people-but we are all created by the same God, and all of our Bibles are written by the same Holy Spirit. No matter who you are or which version you own, I encourage you to keep the pages of your Bible worn from constant reading and stained with tears of repentance and thankfulness!
1. Because man's place is in the army.
2. Because no really manly man wants to settle disputes otherwise than by fighting about it. Men are overly prone to violence. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
3. Women would not respect men dressed in skirts.
4. Because men are too emotional to be clergy. Their conduct at football matches, in the army, at political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency to appeal to force and violence renders them unfit to represent Jesus.
5. Because some men are so handsome they will distract women worshippers.
6. If the Church is the Bride of Christ, and bishops are as husbands to the Church, all priests should be female.
7. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be "unnatural" for them to do other forms of work.
8. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinate position which all men should take.
9. To be an ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a tradtional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.
10. Man was created before woman, obviously as a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.
11. For men who have children, their clergy duties might distract them from the responsibility of being a parent.
12. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can still sweep paths, repair the church roof, and maybe even lead the singing on Father's Day. By conforming themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heavenThen Simon Peter said, �Do we have to write this down? I don't have any paper.�Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are they who mourn...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are they who thirst for justice...
Blessed are you when persecuted...
Blessed are you when you suffer...
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven...
And Andrew said, �Are we supposed to know this?�
And James said, �Will we have a test on it?�
And Philip said, �What if we don't know it?�
And Bartholomew said, �Do we have to turn this in?�
And John said, �The other disciples didn't have to learn this.�
And Matthew said, �When do we get out of here? I have to go to the boys' room. How long is this going to take?�
And Judas said, �What does this have to do with real life?�
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
One of the Scribes asked, �where is your anticipatory set and closure?�
And Jesus wept...
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Cartoon Law I:
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar pricinciple of 32 feet per second takes over.Cartoon Law II:
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a canon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsized boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the Stoog's surcease.Cartoon Law III:
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of direct-pressure explosions and reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.Cartoon Law IV:
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights of stairs to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to catch it inevitably unsuccessful.Cartoon Law V:
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.Cartoon Law VI:
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth and claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies which are spinning or being throttled. A �wacky� character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.Cartoon Law VII:
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances, other cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately the problem of art, not science.Cartoon Law VIII:
A violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordian-pleasted, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few seconds of blinking self-pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of it container.
Cartoon Law IX:
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X:
For every vengeangce, there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated motion which applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happend to a duck.Cartoon Law Amendment A:
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) which a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.Cartoon Law Amendment B:
The laws of object permanence are nullified for �cool� characters.
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque PaperTechnology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it.
The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other displaydevices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The �browse� feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an �index� feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional �BOOKmark� accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
The media is ideal for long term archive use, several field trials have proven that the media will still be readable in several centuries, and because of its simple user interface it will be compatible with future reading devices.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (Pencils). Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying
�It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.�
And the workers went unto their supervisos, saying,
�It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor thereof.�
And the supervisors went unto their managers, and say unto them,
�It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide it.�
And the managers went unto the directors and say:
�It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength.�
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying, one to another,
�It contains that which aids plant growth and is very strong.�
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and say unto them,
�It promotes growth and is very powerful.�
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and say unto him,
�This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company and certain areas in particular.�
And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And that is how shit happens.
Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy had hoped to write �a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever.� The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.
October 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.
October 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
October 6 I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarettes, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.
October 10 I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.While a void is expressed in the recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.
October 25 I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.
November 15 Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
November 30 Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.
December 1 I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. rom now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.
The SOCIETY Of THEOLOGIANS Who DRIVE PICKUP TRUCKS
Our Motto is: AMETAKINETOS KRATAIOS PROTHETOS
Which Means: Unmovable, Strong, Desirable - Yes, a pickup truck.
Dear Friend,
I am pleased to announce Alpha Kappa Pi, a new honor society for biblical and theological scholars. This is a giant step for scholars worldwide, and I know that you will want to participate. Membership, however, is restrictive; and few persons will be able to apply.
Officers are:
President: F. J. May
Vice-President: Lee R. Martin
Secretary-Treasurer: R. Hollis Gause
Requirements for membership are:
1. You must be a faculty member, staff member, or student involved in biblical or theological disciplines.
2. You must own and drive a pick up truck. (Although the auto manufacturers classify vans as trucks, they do not qualify you for membership in this society. We consider vans to be nothing more than tall station wagons.)
3. Owners of foreign-made trucks can be members but not officers. The pickup truck is a thoroughly American tradition (No offense intended to other cultures).
I have concluded through intense text critical studies of previously ignored manuscripts that the following Scriptures support the ownership of pickup trucks, and they should be amended to read as follows:
1. Genesis 3:23 the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden and repossessed his Chevy truck.
2. Genesis 12:1 Now the Lord had said to Abram, load your pickup and get thee out of thy country. . . .
3. Genesis 29:18 And Jacob loved Rachel's Ford Ranger; it had a V-6 and five-speed transmission.
4. Genesis 33:9 And Esau said, I will not harm you my brother, if you give me your 1973 Chevrolet pickup with the 454 four barrel and 50,000 original miles.
5. Genesis 37:4 Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, and he gave him a new GMC Sonoma with Rally wheels, and Joseph's brothers hated him because they had only donkeys.
6. Exodus 14:22 And the children of Israel went into the midst of the Red Sea in their Ford F150 4X4 pickups, and they crossed safely to the other side.
7. Deut. 29:5 And I have led you forty years in the wilderness: thy pickups have not run out of gas, and thy tires have not waxen old upon the wheel.
8. Deut. 6:12 beware lest thou forget the Lord, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, and do not trade thy pickups for Mercedes, Buicks, or any of the cars of the nations round about thee.
9. Judges 1:10 And there arose another generation after them, which knew not the Lord, nor the value of a good pickup.
10. 2 Samuel 12:9 Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the Lord, to do evil in his sight? Thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his Dodge Ram to be thy pickup.
11. Proverbs 4:7 with all thy getting, get a pickup.
12. Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given, and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and he shall drive a long bed pickup.
13. Matthew 13:46 Who, when he had found one pickup of high resale value, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.
14. Luke 5:3 And he entered into one of the pickups, which was Simon's, and he sat down, and taught the people out of the back of the pickup.
15. Luke 14:18 and they all with one consent began to make excuse. The first said unto him, I have bought a new GMC pickup and I must go immediately and get a bed liner before the bed becomes scratched.
16. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice evermore; pray without ceasing; drive a pickup.
17. Revelation 19:11 And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white pickup; and he that drove it was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
18. Revelation 22:12 And, behold I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man a new pickup with automatic transmission, V-8, power doors and locks, sliding back glass, running boards, carpet, and chrome all around.
I hope that you will consider joining our new society. If you do not own a pickup, we would be willing to add you to our prayer list.
Sincerely Yours,
Lee R. Martin
A Sure Fire Stewardship Program
Designed And Developed By Dale Vitalis
Theological Basis: �As a man winneth so will he giveth.� Hez 6:15
Purpose: The �BLT� (bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.
Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:
Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits (blessings, if you serve a 'spiritual' congregation) from this �Lord's Lottery Sure Fire Stewardship Program�
1. More and more members will begin using offering envelopes.
2. When you make the offering envelopes available only to members you will be astounded at how your membership will grow.
3. Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate the intelligence of your members).
4. Your worship service will reach new heights of excitements. You can imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope is drawn.
5. You will have no trouble lining up acolytes because of the excitement, honor, and prestige that comes with the job.
6. Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying those expensive offering envelope boxes. When this new program catches on members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also discover that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call this the �bingo syndrome.�
7. Pastors will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as that will no longer be the �main event.�
WARNING! REMEMBER JIM AND TAMMY.
And the Lord said unto Noah: �Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?�
And Noah said unto the Lord, �Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopherwood supplier hath let me down - yea, even though the gopherwood hath been on order for nign upon 12 months. What can I do O Lord?�
And God said unto Noah: �I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.�
And Noah said: �It will be so.� And it was not so.
And the Lord said unto Noah: �What seemeth to be the trouble this time?�
And Noah said unto the Lord: �Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thou commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord, I am undone.�
And the Lord grew angry and said: �And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed upon the face of the earth?�
And Noah said: �They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday.�
And the Lord said: �How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by seven?�
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: �Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love or money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.�
And the Lord in his wisdom said: �Noah, my son, I knowest, Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?� And the Lord grew angry.
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parent to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experiences of being a mother or father.
1a. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, take out 10% of the beans.
1b.Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their children's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To dicover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8 to 12 pounds. At 10 pm, set the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, 'til 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put on the alarm for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5.Dressing children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hangs out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6.Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, taka a milk container, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7.Forget the BMW and buy a van. And don't think that you can leave it out on the drive way spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8.Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9.Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10.Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
11.Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, make sure that a lot of it falls onto the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
12.Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing �Postman Pat� at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
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