A hip young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?”
The young man replies, “A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!”
“That's a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”
“Sure,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That's a pretty nice car, all right!”
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn't be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, “You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man moans and replies, “Yes! Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”
Top Ten Reasons why Young Men should Not have to Learn Greek at the Seminary:
10. Greek letters are best used for naming fraternities.
9. All that extra paper from Greek textbooks could be used to print more Bibles.
8. Physics classes need the Greek letters for variables in equations.
7. The students need more time to go bowling.
6. If you're that old and you don't know how to breath, little marks won't help you.
5. Luther said "I'd give up my knowledge of Latin and Greek, but would not part with my knowledge of Hebrew for all the gold in the world."
4. 75% of the Bible is written in Hebrew (or Aramaic).
3. Sure, the New Testament is written in Greek, but half of that was translated into Greek.
2. Scientists have discovered that the synagogues of Jesus' time used the Hebrew Scriptures, not the LXX.
1. Jesus spent most of His time speaking Hebrew and Aramaic, NOT Greek.
10. Hebrew writing really only looks good when it's carved into stone; otherwise, don't bother.
9. People who know Hebrew are usually trouble; just ask Uriah the Hittite.
8. You really have to be left-handed to learn Hebrew well.
7. Reading from right to left can make you go insane.
6. All my Jewish friends speak Yiddish-German, anyway.
5. Hebrew letters are best used for playing "dreydl".
4. You might as well try to learn Chinese.
3. You can't take a language without vowels seriously.
2. The operative word in "Dead Sea Scrolls" is "dead".
1. A language without an aorist is simply no fun!
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?
Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE
INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT
RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE
WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is
her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed
most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop
the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
"Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical
industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent
consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through
their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where
One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the
revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious
Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on
the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it
weekly with a damp handkerchief. WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG
ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP
OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY
BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. INSTRUCTIONS: For
results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold
these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the
(something) earth
section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble,
such rotation is a very maintainence action,
as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many
clothes?
Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of
PROGRESS?
Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients....but DISH WASHING
LIQUID contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he
still wrong?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gate of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.”
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: “Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.”
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means -'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But,if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything I sta
God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look, a bird - ing at a time.
God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.
Amen.
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