Handling Suspicions of Teen Drug Use
By Tim Geare and Tim Sanford

Q. We are deeply concerned that our son is using drugs, but feel powerless to act until we can prove it. What can we do?

A. First of all, don't just swallow your concerns for "lack of proof." A child earns suspicion through their behavior, attitudes and choices, and they can be held accountable for creating suspicion or mistrust. The suspicion alone is enough to justify careful intervention. But the goal is to assist your son with life choices—not just to prove yourself right.

Try to understand the day-to-day realities of your teen's world in an effort to create an environment of love and caring. Are there forces "pulling" him away from home? They could include anything from an intense romance to gang activity. Or perhaps you are unintentionally "pushing" him into the world through a negative, critical or caustic attitude. Neither excuses drug use, but identifying such "push-pull" forces will be a big help as you move toward healing in the home.

Next, communicate your concerns to your spouse, and then to your teen. Share the specific things that fuel your suspicions. Be concrete. What personality changes do you see? Do certain friendships make you uncomfortable? Are grades suffering? If necessary, gather more data to get the answers you need. Contact an interested teacher, youth pastor or other adult who observes your son in another setting. Depending on the feedback you get, you may even want to consider a room search. A diary or journal can also be revealing.

Q. How can I respect his privacy when I feel the need to search his room? What is the best way to conduct a room search?

A. Remember, it's your house and your room he's using. If you suspect contraband, you have a responsibility to conduct a search. Here are some guidelines on how to do a respectful search:

  1. Plan ahead, but do it without forewarning—and be thorough. Realize you are looking for something about the size of a penny. Search the room section by section from top to bottom. If possible, it's a good idea to have the same-sex parent search the room.
  2. Don't rush, or stop to lecture if you find something. There will be time to talk once the entire search is complete.
  3. If you suspect your son won't be cooperative, do the search when he is not at home. In such a case, be sure to tell him about your actions when he returns.
  4. After the search, be sure the room is restored to the way you found it. Don't destroy the room and then order him to clean it up. You can be thorough and still treat his belongings with respect.
  5. Finally, talk with your son about the situation — whether you found something or not. Use this time to either lovingly confront him about your findings or to discuss what motivated your search to begin with.

Q. In the days and weeks following a room search, what should we do?

A. Ultimately, the goal here is to build a cooperative effort with your child, especially important as part of making your home a place where your teen feels "at home." If he admits to drug use, then develop agreements about what will be done. They will necessarily include 1) stop using drugs and 2) attend counseling as a family in order to develop a strategy to move ahead.

If your child protests his innocence, and the search is inconclusive, your suspicion may still persist. The goal of "cooperation" remains. You are not able to define "drug use" as the problem, but you certainly can identify "suspicion" as the immediate issue, as well as what your child is doing to create it. If your teen refuses to cooperate, let him know that your mistrust will continue, impacting your responses to him — including his freedoms.

Conduct more research (school locker search, meet with school officials, possibly even drug testing). Still unsure of the real issue, you might benefit from counseling. Your concern may be stirred up by other equally serious issues in your teen's life, such as depression, eating disorders or unhealthy relationships. A Christian counselor can provide direction and help you avoid worsening the tension at home.

Then watch and pray. Inform your child that you love him and will continue to pursue, even if it is uncomfortable. Let the pressure of your suspicion weigh on your teen over time. Some kids just need to see that parents won't give up, and then they'll cooperate. You are the best resource for what troubles them. And God is your best resource for peace and the strength to love the unlovable. He's also the One with all the data, and will faithfully uncover what you cannot.

Action Steps

  1. Find a pastor or close friend you'd feel comfortable confiding in, someone who knows and loves your family and can provide biblical wisdom, objectivity and accountability.
  2. Once you've located a local source of support and encouragement, you may also wish to enlist the assistance of an outside Christian organization such as Parenting Within Reason. You can call the national office at (409) 297-5700. They may be able to refer you to a chapter in your area.
  3. Consider picking up the following:
    • Relief for Hurting Parents by Buddy Scott, published by Allon Publishing, available through your local Christian bookstore

Resources available from Focus on the Family (1-800-232-6459):

    • "Hope for the Teenage Drug Abuser," two broadcast cassettes (CS220)
    • Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson, published by Word (BK010). Content also available as two broadcast cassettes (CS014)
    • Complimentary "Resource List for Substance Abuse" (MS130)

"Handling Suspicions of Teen Drug Use" appeared in Plugged In magazine.
Copyright © 1996 Focus on the Family.
International copyright secured.

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