:: Rocking On Japan ::

Ayu's parents and Stardom:

Mummy (ayu calls her mother, "mummy"):

"Rather than calling her mummy, I treat her like a woman....How to say? Regarding the image about mother to me, it's like someone after giving birth and become very "obasan" /auntie-like, who doesn't care about their hair. But Mummy always wears suit and even though she's at home, She will wear make-up or wigs to disguise herself. She puts herself in first place before Ayu, me. I dunno what is her job, never asked before."

Dad

"I don't have any impression of Dad, only remember that once I went fishing with dad and I accidentally fell into the sea. Since then, I have a fear to go to the sea (laughs). Dad does not leave any impression on me, no good impression. Dad and Mummy divorced when I was 3 or 4. I still remember that night where I looked out of the window and I saw dad and mummy packing luggage into the car. Then I shouted out and asked what are they doing. Dad told me he was going out to work. After saying bon voyage to him, I went to sleep. During the whole process, dad never turned and looked at me. The next day, I realized his things are all gone. At that point, I feel.....how to say? If he had say goodbye to me, I would have a lot to tell him. By the way he left, I felt that I was cheated, since then, I don't expect anything fr anyone anymore. Actually, i didn't understand the meaning of divorce at that time, anyway the topic of dad never came up again. I even forget his name. For me, I don't think there's a need for me to reunite with dad again. Having no dad in the family has become a norm for me. I never felt that i'm sympathetic or whatever. However, when I go to my friends' house, I feel uneasy when there's a man in the family. There's only my grandma, mummy and me in the family, all girls. When there's a brother or dad in my friends' family, I will feel uneasy, even irritated."

Grandma

"Grandma treats me very good. Because mummy is not around all the time, all the food are given by grandma. I think for a dog it is also the same, you will listen to the one who give u food. Although grandma did not do anything special to me, I still feel that I'm alive thanks to grandma. And also, there's no photo album in my family, maybe because we moved very often. My house have very little of those things that we can recap on. Furthermore, compared to normal family, my family also don't have any needed photo-taking-sessions."

Schooling

"When I was in the childcare or primary school, due to my fair skin, plus my mummy dyed my hair at that time, I was very attention-grabbing. Therefore, to be indifferent from the rest, I tried to be as good as possible. At that time, I was always playing on my own outside, sometimes even go to the park. because even if i went home, there was no one at home. At that time, the one that come and fetched me was an auntie living nearby...I had a lonely feeling, so for that time, I was a bit angry with mummy. When I was in high school, I already felt that I had a problem communicating with friends of same age group. Not that I was looking down at them, it was that I felt that 'How come that person cares about that thing? Why don't they understand?' At that time, those with no one at home, were forced to stay at school. We gathered in a room and did nothing but watch tv or read books. At the time, I was very jealous of those who could go home early. I liked maths and science when I was in primary school, therefore my results were very good. But one day, I realized that studying all these had nothing to do with my future at all. Ha Ha Ha, in the school chemistry lab one day, I suddenly thought, 'The liquid in these test tubes turned into a colour had what effect on my future?' After that, my results dropped. Rise fast, drop fast. Then, my dressing to school become very exaggerated, wearing make-up to school. The school then asked mummy to come to school, but mummy never went, always excuse that she had a tummy ache. Soon, I started to work, but only taking photo shots of posters. Mummy never opposed, although I was only a primary school kid, I knew the importance of money. And also, I didn't want to take money from Mummy, because I felt that I should buy things that I want with the money that I earned. I was also very attention grabbing at that time. Maybe in the past, I withdrew into myself, therefore I wanted to be different from others. But by saying out by myself is so embarassing, therefore I gained it by taking photo shoots or commercials. At that time, I knew that the jobs I was doing can be replaced by anyone any moment. Therefore, when I reached secondary school, I become a 'gangster girl'. That was only a image for me, I never thought of hurting anyone. I hung out with friends outside conveniene stores everyday to chat and pass time by. You may say I was escaping from reality, but by being with a lot of friends, I felt that I was strong, have a 'forever friends' feeling. At that time, I was still shooting those posters, but feeling guilty and sorry, because the image in the poster was very different from the real me. I had no interest in music at that time, never even thought that I will become a singer. The real interest comes only the past two to three years."

Singing

"When I was in a high school in Tokyo, my company tells me that my height is not enough for a pro model. Therefore recommended me to go on tv. The job at that time was only wearing swimsuits and smile at the screen. After becoming an actress, I felt that I had a lot of stress. How to say? I had these "Am i suppose to come here? Could it be wrong?" thinking....Sometimes when we would go some islands to take photos, the other actresses would pour drinks and light up cigerattes for the photographers and praised them. I hated that, I must be very 'not cute' at that time. I felt that I was different, I can stay alive without going thru this. Soon, I get sick of all that and quit the job and also schooling. Then, I went around playing and dancing, which was my favourite. At the place, you didn't have to talk with them and you can stay for a few hours. I also met my record company at that time. At that time, they asked me whether I wanted to try singing or not, I rejected it on the spot, But after that, because I had nothing to do, I decided to sing."

Becoming a singer

"Maybe I had a few upsets in the industry before, I stress myself to do the best, completely forget how to enjoy the process. The thing is to give everything out that I can give, no returns, not even knowing what has happened in the outside world. When I knew that my first album came in first in the charts, the feeling was.....'Is this real? I was still dancing the day before and now my album came in first? Many people comment that my singles came out very fast, that's because I put music in first place and don't even know what is happening around me, therefore I don't know what is the norm for singles producing. I thought mine was the norm. But when I heard that my lyrics 'saved' people, given them courage, I thought, 'Do I have to save them? So I have to give them courage?' I feel a bit embarassed when I see my photos and articles all around. That embarassed feeling, makes me feel as though I can't go to any shop to eat anymore.
I also think of doing another kind of music, but am afraid that the ones that supports me will go away. I also hoped that those who listen to my songs can understand what I'm trying to express. How to say? Like when my new album came out, the first thing that caught the headlines was that I was in my Leopard suit. Do you understand?"

Source: A Homepage for XX