| The Penguin of Paradise is back at work to better serve you! |
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| Worship Technology |
| Darwin Loves You |
| We at Bahai Angst have been struck by the power of modern technology and its usefulness in spiritual enterprises. After reading far too many posts on TRB and on alt.conspiracy, we have come to the conclusion that people should not be allowed to choose their own religion. It should be done for them, the way presidents are chosen in the United States. Enter technology.
These days you can use computer programs to learn what your IQ is, what sorts of jobs you might be good at, and even to find the person or persons who you will sleep with. And now, at long last, we have “Belief-O-Matic”, a program that can tell you what religions are best suited for you. Now some folks on TRB have tested themselves and made certain claims about the results. Bahai Angst even tested himself and his first two choices were Quaker and Rastafarian. Bahai Angst has always suspected there was funny stuff in his bird seed since eating often made him giggle a lot. Anyway, it has become as clear as the dawning place of desperation, that lots of folks really need to take this test to see if they belong in the religions they are in considering all of the damage they are doing to those religions. So, in a spirit of disinterested public service, Bahai Angst and the Penguin of Paradise have refined Belief-O-Matic and entered data for all sorts of people into it on our own to see what religions they truly belong in. The results have been at once shocking, revealing, startling, disturbing, mischievious, and, well – angstian. The data is still coming in, but here are some results for the first people we put into the system. We will give the best match and sometimes a second one, if the results were close. Also, and again in a spirit of disinterested service engendered by intense prayers inside a mashriq, we have provided URL's for these religions so that you can learn more about them and so the individuals may find information on how to join. We believe that some of these religions give you a 30-day risk-free money back guaranteed trial period. |
| 1.George Bush. Church of Satan. http://www.churchofsatan.com/
2.Douglas Martin – Raeliens. We found this result to be one of the more interesting ones. To learn more about the Raeliens, we encourage Mr. Martin, who soon will have some time on his hands, to explore their Persian-Language Website. http://altreligion.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.rael.org/ Maybe he could ask Farzam Arbab to translate it for him. 3.Farzam Arbab – Confucianism http://www.thespiritualsanctuary.org/Confucianism/Confucianism.html This result also surprised us. We figured he'd be a Taoist of the Chuang Tzu variety or a Trotskyite. But since Confucianism is pretty much a conservative philosophical system with much that makes religion spiritually edifying taken out, it does make sense. Belief-O-Matic works in mysterious ways. 4.Glenford Mitchell – Heaven's Gate http://altreligion.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.clas.ufl.edu/users/gthursby/rel/gate/ 5.Larry Rowe – Belief-O-Matic Discoverer. The Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This church has recently changed its name to “Community of Christ.” It has a living Guardian designated by a direct descendent of Joseph Smith. We had thought that Joel Maranegello would match up nicely with this church too. However, he came out as a Haifan Bahai. This is probably because he cannot read the Writings in the original any better than most of the UHJ members can, so I guess Belief-O-Matic thought he would fit right in with the grumpies. For more on the RLDS go here: http://www.cofchrist.org/ Wikipedia has a nice article too: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reorganized_Church_of_Jesus_Christ_of_Latter_Day_Saints 6. Susan Maneck – You won't believe the results for Susan. We've are doing the process a few more times for her to ensure consistency and to ensure entry by troops. Come back soon for the results. 7. And for Dermod – woah, you'll never believe those results either. |