Originally printed in the Feb. 26, 2006 edition of The Florida Times-Union

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Ex-teacher's next step a screenplay on absurdity

by MARK WOODS, The Florida Times-Union

Steven Bailey walked around his home in Jacksonville Beach for three days, frenetically scribbling on a notepad. He had spent 10 years as a public school teacher, eventually getting fed up with the unruly students, the micro-managing administrators and the omnipresent standardized tests.

He quit and took a temporary job on the other side of the testing process -- with a company that scores them -- and saw even more absurdity. And, in his mind, hilarity.

This, he thought, would make a good comedy.

So for three straight days, his wife and two children left him alone while he wrote and wrote, getting started on something that six weeks ago he put up for sale on eBay.

Testing

(A movie script to encourage bedraggled teachers)

There will be many such teachers this week. It is, of course, the week for the four-letter acronym that affects school grades, funding, morale, sleep and blood pressure.

It's FCAT week.

Bailey, 44, remembers it all too well. It's not necessarily the reason he got out of teaching in 2003. But it's a factor.

"I don't think it tests anything other than students' ability to take tests," he said.

He's hardly the first person to burn out on teaching and testing. But he might be the first to take that burnout and channel it into a screenplay, post it on the Internet for anyone to read for free (www.testingthescript.com) and offer its rights on eBay (current asking price: $5,000). As Bailey notes on the site, curious readers should be forewarned that the script contains strong language.

Bailey, who writes movie reviews for the Beaches Leader, tried more conventional routes for about two years. He shopped the script around. He entered it in contests. When nothing panned out, he turned to eBay, the company whose latest promotional slogan is: "Whatever it is, you can get it here."

For Bailey, "it" isn't money. "It" is the idea of getting his script looked at by someone who makes movies. It turns out he isn't the only one trying the online route.

"There's a guy with an eBay shop who has three scripts he's trying to plug for $50,000 each," Bailey said. "It doesn't look like he's getting any takers either. So at least I'm in good company."

So far Bailey has had about 1,200 hits on his Web page, but no bids on the script. Online history suggests that you've got a better chance of selling a cheese sandwich resembling the Virgin Mary than a movie script.

Why do this? Why devote time and energy to something that is such a long shot?

The short answer is that his wife, Kathy, has been prodding him to give it a try for years. The longer answer starts in childhood, with him falling in love with movies, especially comedies. And not necessarily the typical fare of a kid growing up in the 1960s.

His favorite movies starred Charlie Chaplin, Laurel and Hardy, and the Marx Brothers.

"I was a big Groucho Marx fan," he said. "And that's been my sensibilities ever since, sort of looking at the absurdity of things."

Last year he took one of the most absurdly bad movies ever made, Plan 9 from Outer Space, and wrote a one-act stage play parodying and paying homage to it.

So maybe this was a natural next step.

From zombies and flying saucers to ... teaching and testing.

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