Published in
Rocknerd webzine, 2004.
The Worst Movie Of 2004
by Barbara Welton
I have seen the
worst movie of 2004 ... and its name is King Arthur.
A few years back,
when I saw The Crow: City Of Angels, I experienced this strange effect
whereby I was so inutterably horrified by what I'd just sat through that
I just couldn't stop talking about it. The hoary old cliche about it being like
watching a train wreck just didn't cut it and doesn't in this case either.
*blink* *blink* I
don't even know where to begin
I
could say that I'm not at all surprised to read that the Director was also
responsible for The Replacement Killers yet another contender for worst
movie ever made. But then again, he also directed Training Day and Tears
Of The Sun and they were pretty good. I could say I'm not at all surprised
that the Writer also gave the world Gladiator which, although better
than this effort by miles and miles and miles, is still a movie that I Just
Don't Like. But no. That's not a good place to begin ...
*blink*
I
know that it's a big Hollywood movie riding rough-shod over British history and
I shouldn't take it seriously. I know that it's supposed to be Big Dumb Fun and
I shouldn't expect it to be anything else. I know that. And I know how to enjoy
Big Dumb Flicks. Honest, I do. I can suspend my disbelief for all sorts of
things, all manner of normally unbelievable bullshit and just enjoy the pretty
pictures and the explody bits. Honest, I can. But when EVERY FUCKING THING
about a production just jars ... *blink*
Okay
how about I try simply reeling 'em off?
The
history jars. Well, that's a given, I guess. I'm really not surprised. But hey,
they're trying to sell us on this theory that the great Anglo-Saxon hero was a
Roman and okay, I'll go along for the ride but wait a minute that character and
that character have Norman names, and that (incredibly bloody fake looking)
supposedly Roman fortress looks suspiciously Norman too, and that weapon there
is from the Middle Ages, and what sort of bow is that supposed to be, and
excuse me but where do the history buffs on this production think the Vikings
fit in to all this? I could go on but honestly, is there anything more pathetic
than a person who's just watched a Jerry Bruckheimer movie wailing about
historical inaccuracies?
The
language jars. Roman knights? Torture machines? 'Nuff said.
*blink*
The
story telling jars. There's barely any sense of Arthur and Lancelot's
relationship. There's no sense at all of Lancelot and Guinevere's relationship
although she's suddenly sobbing over him on the battlefield for some reason.
We watch Lancelot die and then somehow hear him narrating the epilogue to us
(how the fuck does that happen?). It's all rubbish.
The
fact that so many truly great actors are completely and utterly wasted jars.
Clive Owen, Ioan Gruffudd, Ray Winstone, Ken Stott, Joel Edgerton hell, even
Keira Knightley and Hugh Dancy are all fucking wasted on this offal. Why even
bother casting people who can act people who can really fucking act
like Ken Stott f'instance, just to have them be, I dunno, Some Guy In A Toga?
Guinevere
jars. She's just another in a long, long line of "updated",
"modernised", "post-Women's Lib" female characters who,
after a lengthy set up that is supposed to convince us how strong and feisty
and independent she is, ends up having to be saved by a man before the credits
roll. Personally, I'd prefer they were all helpless bints from the get-go. At
least it wouldn't be such a disappointment watching them having to be bloody
rescued all the time. And how is it that they can find chainmail to put on
their horses but Guinevere is running around Scotland in the snow in a bedsheet
most of the time?
The
military "logic" jars. Six guys on horses seem to take on the entire
population of Britain for most of this movie. Those great military tacticians,
the Romans, build their fortress on the lowest bit of land surrounded by hills
that they can find. The Saxon army all march out onto a frozen lake and all
huddle up together in one spot oh dear! the ice breaks! how could that
happen?! That frozen lake, btw, is surrounded by nice craggy hills that
would've offered the perfect cover for attacking the six guys on horses down
below ... My cat has better fighting strategy than anybody in this movie. No,
my refrigerator has better fighting strategy. And we're supposed to
believe these are great warriors! Heroes, even! *blink*
This
movie SUCKS. I mean, really, truly, as God is my witness, SUCKS. I'm putting it
right up there with The Crow: City Of Angels and Doppelganger and
The Replacement Killers as one of the very worst movies of all time.
With the exception of the actors, everybody else responsible for this movie
should be lined up against a wall and cock/cunt-punched until they cry for
their mums. There's just no excuse for something we're expected to pay for
being this bad.
And
once again, I find myself so horrified that I just can't stop talking about it.
the end.