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last night was mike's wake. initially i had wanted to go, but as the day went by yesterday, i kind of got scared. i didn't know if i was ready to face the fact that i would no longer see mike, but i talked to my cousin dana and realized that if i didn't go, i would really regret it. i was somber when we arrived. we walked into the room and i felt an emotional rush. as we got in line to see 'memories of mike', my ears tuned into the sound of dance/club music in the background. a person who didn't know mike would have thought that to be odd, but for all of us, we knew that it was very appropriate. my vision was blurred as i felt my eyes weld up with tears, i looked to my right and saw his parent and girlfriend. he looked a lot like his parents. we got to the front of the room, found things that he loved, poems, letters written to him, and many picture collages... then finally his casket. it was closed, and as much as i would have liked to see him one more time, seeing the happy pictures surrounding him was really what i needed to see. that's how i want to remember him by. we sat down and i just cried. i couldnt' stop crying. i looked around and although everyone looked sad, i felt like i was the only one who was still crying. was i just not accepting it? i looked again at the casket and thought, maybe this is just a horrible horrible joke. he's not dead. that's why the casket's closed. he's gonna open up and say, gotcha, and we'll get to hear that distinguishable mike laugh once again, but i knew that it wasn't so. he was gone. what was left in that casket wasn't mike, his soul and spirit were up in heaven, what remained was just an empty vessel. as the music ceased, i heard sobbing. i realized that i wasn't the only one that was crying anymore.
after the wake, a bunch of us went to dinner at a nearby restaurant. ironically, it was sort of a reunion of sort because mike had so many friends and fraternity brothers. we had all lost touch through the years, and because of mike, we got to reunite with old friends. parkin saw 'brothers' that he lost in touch with over the years, and i met some of his friends that i'd never known before. how sad that it had to be because of someone's death that we got to meet.
this morning, parkin and i woke to attend mike's funeral and burial. again, i was sad but a sense of closure had accured at the wake, and i thought that i could finally let go. i was wrong. mike's nieces and nephew recited a poem that they wrote for him, and once again, i was riding the emotional rollercoaster that i assumed i had conquered. tears of sadness freely fell down my cheek and onto my shirt. i was tired of wiping them and just let them soak my blouse. it was a beautiful ceremony. as we left the church to our cars, i passed an older man, his grandfather? he was breaking down, and that just hit me. his grandson had passed before him. how much pain he must of been feeling. how unfair. i don't think any parent or grandparent wants their children to die before them. it's just not right. parkin and i got into his car and i broke down once again. we followed a bunch of cars to skylawn, where mike's body was to be buried. it was a beautiful site. we said our final goodbyes and final tears of sadness blew away with the wind.
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