expectations.
vacuuming the office was a decision i made because first of all, i had nothing to do and wanted to keep busy. secondly i had looked around my desk and wanted to clean up, but after wiping down the dust off of my desk, i felt the urge to vacuum. no one asked me to clean, but as i was vacuuming i kept thinking, 'how rude of everyone to just sit there and not help me.' at the same time, i thought, 'it's ok that they dont' help because they didnt' expect me to clean. i'm cleaning up because i want to.' so on the friday entry in my journal, i ranted about them not thanking me for cleaning and vacuuming around the office. i was wrong to think that. why did i feel like i needed their validation? why was i expecting something from these people when what i did was for me, not them. they didn't ask me to do anything, and they didn't need to thank me. i shouldn't have expected a thing from them.
yes, the woman was wrong to have moved her chair up onto ellen's towel, but ... wait a minute. no, she was just wrong. nevermind, i dont' feel bad about talking about her. :P
i set myself up sometimes when i expect things, and i try so hard not to expect things because if i do, someone or something will let me down. y put myself through that? the first couple of years while i was dating parkin, i had not expected things from him, but i had hoped for certain things, trying not to expect too much. basically i was hiding the word expect under the word hope. so for example, during our first christmas together, i had wanted it to be special, thinking that gifts represented more than they should have. i thought that how much he spent on me was how much he cared for me. i put a lot of thought into his gift and 'hoped' that he did the same for me. i set myself up there. the first christmas we spent together, i got him some speakers that he'd been eyeing. parkin didnt' give me anything, and i was upset. did that mean that he didnt' care for me as much as i did for him? no, i expected christmas to mean as much to him as it did for me. i spent my childhood growing up loving christmas because my parents made a special deal about the holiday. i think they used to spoil us with gifts. parkin's family didn't. he didnt' grow up counting the days til christmas and it wasn't a huge deal for him, and i didnt' know that, and therefore he didnt' know that about me. he was my first boyfriend and i already set up these standards. i was blind to the fact that he wasnt' working, that he had no income and no source of it through college. i just saw that he didnt' BUY me anything. i was so wrong there. thinking back now, i was such a spoiled brat. just because i worked and had a source of income, i was blind to the fact that he didnt'.
to my point, expectations bad in my opinion. if you disagree with me, that's fine. i dont' EXPECT you to agree with me, haha. i'm just putting down some thoughts i've had these past couple of days.
workout routine:
35 minutes on eliptical machine ~ i was so tired today, dying at 20 minutes but pushed myself for another 15. luckily the last bits of the matrix were so exciting. kept me distracted.
bicep curls: my friend mike who passed away a few months ago taught me this curl in college when we used to go to the gym together. it's a curl that works all parts of the bicep. he called it something, but i dont' remember. 7 diamond? something like that i think. the lower part, middle, then top part of the bicep. 4 sets of 15 repetitions (instead of 7), on the three parts of the bicep. then i also did 4 reps of 15 of regular curls
back: i tried to do some forward dips with my stomach on my yoga ball, but i was losing balance. :) so i did butterfly lifts: 4 reps of 15, and sideway lifts, 4 reps of 15 of each side. i really should learn the names of these exercises. i'm just making things up it seems. :P
abs: 200 sit-ups on my yoga ball; 400 obliques, 200 on each side; 2 sets of 2 minute air jogging; leg kicks.
you would think that my abs were rock hard, i feel like i work on my abs a lot, but they're not. still got a roll hanging over my belt. as i write, i feel the jab of my jeans cutting off my circulation. *sigh*
i was chatting with my cousin dana who is participating in a wager with her sister and brother in law to lose weight. she's been running A LOT, doing pilates, really gung ho things, and she feels like she's not losing anything either. the problem we both have, is that we are looking for fast results, and this working out thing is just taking too long! haha. i had an awesome dream a year ago that i still remember cuz it was so cool. i was, of course, trying to lose weight even in my dreams. i decided to do it the easy way. i took a syringe and jabbed it into my thigh, and sucked out the cellulite. hella cool! i felt a bit weak afterwards, but my thighs were super thin.
truth be told. i am one hundred and forty pounds. i was only one thirty-five a few weeks ago, but after yosemite i weighed myself and almost cried. friends tell me i look fine, but i just dont' feel it. that's why i'm on this workout kick. i feel overweight and unhealthy. i haven't changed my diet, i don't think i'm eating bad, just in the past couple of years, i've been eating without counter-acting it with activity. i could never diet. too hard. 4 years ago, i was one hundred and fifteen pounds. i dotn' think that i can get back to that, but imma try my damndest, even if i have to diet. but let's hope it doesn't lead to that.
back to homepage, please