Tuesday, August 20
	my brother has been on my mind a lot these days.  i think that we have a pretty close relationship, but these days, i feel discontentment around him.  whatever i say around him, he's been so snippy.  the comments i make are just passing comments or observations, and for some reason, he takes offense to them... or is it that he takes it defensively.  either way, he belittles me.  he reminds me of my dad. when i was younger, maybe around the age of 8 or 9, my dad said something to me, and i started crying.  i don't remember what he said to me, but when i started crying, i will never forget what he said and the tone in which he said it.  "why are you so sensitive, you can't be so sensitive to things!"  and he walked away.  of course that made me cry more, but that is exactly how i feel with my brother these days.  nothing i say is right, and everything i say i get ripped on.  i feel like i have to watch what i say around him now because if i say something wrong, i know he'll snap at me and tears will well up in my eyes.  last night we went out to dinner with some friends and i had made a comment about the wedding this past weekend, and asked him about the situation.  he started saying in an exasperated tone, 'why are you complaining?!'  i simply stated an observation and i told him that and was asking him about it, i didn't think that i was complaining.  i looked at him, felt the tears, shook my head in sadness and turned away.  parkin held my hand and tried to soothe me, but i couldn't look at my brother for the rest of the night.  i don't KNOW why i'm so sensitive.  i cry when i'm sad, i cry when i'm happy, and oddly, i cry when i'm angry.  but when people talk to me in a certain way, in a specific tone, it just triggers the tears and i can't control it a lot of times.  then i start feeling bad because i don't want to cry in front of everyone, but that just makes it worse, and dammit, those tears just get stronger and stronger.   yes, tears are even culminating as i'm typing up this entry.  *sigh*  i don't know what's wrong with me. my brother is a wonderful person, i look up to him and admire his kindness, generousity, creativity, and outgoing personality.  he's been a great brother, a friend, even a father figure at times.  i dont' understand what's been going on these days.  i just feel like our relationship has changed and i don't know why.  is this normal?  maybe he's just sick of me.  i did start hanging out with him and his friends at an early age, maybe he wants to seperate his relationships with people, with me.  i dont' know.  i just don't understand what has changed.  is it me, or is it him?  i don't think that it's me... or maybe it is me being overly sensitive about this whole situation.
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