Author's Note: every time i turn on the tv this week, i see James Bond. always. i've watched nothing but. and they're ALL THE SAME! o i wrote this :) i didn't see the end of "The Spy Who Loved Me," which is the movie this is spoofing, but they're all the same anyway, which is what i said, so i wrote it to be just like everything else. only shorter. *******************************
An Officer Who Thought I Was Hot.
Tom kissed Maria passionately, pressing forward against her. His communicator beeped, feeding out a tiny hard copy of what normally would have been a vocally rrelayed message. "Report to Voyager, immediately."
Tom pulled away, dressing quickly.
"Tom! Where are you going?"
"Sorry, darling! Voyager needs me!" Tom replied apologetically, shutting the door behind him, as he strapped on his backpack.
He jumped into his floater, speeding away down the mountainside.
Phaser fire echoed across the snowcapped mountains. One bolt shattered his rear viewport, and he swerved to avoid being hit again. As he catapulted downwards, energy weapons blasted holes in the ground around him.
Tom piloted a little too close to the edge of the road, and his floater teetered over the brink. He quickly squirmed out the window, and pulled the string on his parachute.
As it opened, he thought wistfully that the captain could at least have allowed him to finish his rendezvous before putting him through all this nonsense.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Agent Triple X reported to his superior, as he'd been ordered. "Sir"? he asked expressionlessly.
"We have a new mission for you, Agent Triple X," He replied stonily. "Also, I regret to inform you that agent Dymexia has been killed while on a mission to the Kazon homeworld.
"That's very sad, Sir," Agent Triple X replied. "What happened?"
"I don't know."
"Keep me informed. I'd like to get my hands on whoever was responsible for this, Sir."
"Very well. This will probably compromise your objectivity in your upcoming mission, and most likely cause you to fail, but I'll let you know as soon as i find out who did it so that you can chuck the whole thing and go out for revenge instead."
"Thank you, sir."
"You're welcome. Dismissed."
"What's my mission, sir?"
"Oh, right. Someone stole a new experimental shuttle. We were sure no-ne but our worst enemy knew about it, but apparently we were wrong. It's got some sort of new missile or something on it. Go get it back."
"Yes, sir."
"Dismissed."
"Yes, sir" Agent Triple X turned smartly on his heel and left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A small Talaxian was being chased across a desert world. He locked the gates behind him, only to have them bitten open again by his hunter, who had titanium teeth. Tom followed, stealthily, watching, so that when he reached the Talaxian he wouldn't be forced to help. Tom searched the body, finding only a piece of paper with the words "Sierran, Olvaga Club" written on it in Talaxian.
"You killed him, didn't you?" Agent Triple X said calmly, looking over the scene.
"No, he was dead when I got here," Paris replied, tucking the piece of paper into his pocket. He passed the other agent, glancing him over approvingly. "I hope you enjoyed the show," he added, as he left with no discussion from Agent Triple X, who should have at least asked who he was or what he was doing there, but instead just let him walk away, even though anything useful had obviously already been removed from the body.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom entered the Olvaga club, bowing slightly to Agent Triple X, who was already there. "Agent Triple X," He greeted politely.
"Agent Tom Paris," Triple X replied, raising one eyebrow. I could give your entire life's history, if you like."
"No, thank you, I already know most of it. Although if you could tell me what i was doing in June of'76, I would be most grateful. I'm afraid I don't remember that month at all."
"No."
Alright, then, good night, I have better things to do." Tom replied.
"Good. So have I."
They made their way over to Sierran and sat down together.
"You have something to sell to me?" Tom asked.
"I want to bid on it, as well," Agent Triple X said quickly.
"Ah! Competition," Sierran said, greedily rubbing his hands together. "Just a moment, and i will return," he added. "I have to use the little boys room."
A little while after he got up and left, Tom went looking for him. He found him, dead on the floor in a deserted back room. He noted a man fleeing the scene of the crime, and pulled an out of order sign off a nearby vending machine to place on Sierran's dead body so that the police could later remark on what a sick puppy he was, and then stowed away in the back of the killer's van. The killer, of course, did not notice this, nor had he noticed When Agent Triple X has also opened the door, climbed in, and then slammed it again. The killer was obviously stone deaf.
"Where is the data chip?" Agent triple X asked coldly.
"I don't know," Tom replied.
"You must not have it, or you wouldn't be here," Agent X mused. "He must have it," he added, indicating whoever was driving.
Just then the van pulled to a stop near some rickety wooden platforms in the middle of nowhere. Tom and Agent X climbed out, looking around. They saw no-one. After wandering around for a bit, Tom was jumped by the Man with the Titanium Teeth, whereupon Tom tried to knock him out, but found that the teeth were invulnerable.
Since a good right uppercut was his only line of defense, he was forced to rely on Agent X's gun. Titanium Teeth gave over the data chip, and Agent X jumped into the van, trying to drive even though he obviously didn't know how. Titanium Teeth tried to stop them, but just got run over several times for his trouble. He was apparently unharmed.
"Thank you, Agent Triple X," Tom said graciously.
"For what?"
"Well, you did save my life," Tom replied.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Mr Paris," X replied indifferently.
Tom just smiled, confident that his irresistible charms would win Agent X over before this mission was done.
Fifteen minutes later, the van broke down, and they started walking. After several hours of this, they came across a boat man who made fun of their tuxedos, and the lack of sense that had made them go walking in the desert dressed in such a fashion, and then offered them a free ride to the nearest city.
Sitting in the dark hold of the little ship, Tom promptly began hitting on Agent X, who, of course, responded by throwing himself at the enemy agent, and then pulling away to spit sleeping darts at him through his lapel button; the newest in defensive technology for secret agents.
"That's disgusting," Tom said just before he collapsed.
Tom woke up alone, and wandered off to find Voyager, which had apparently landed on this planet just for him. Agent Triple X and his boss were waiting for him.
"Now, look here, Tom Paris, someone's stolen some very important experimental shuttle designs. They've got plans for the latest in advanced weaponry technology as well. We need you to get them back for us." Captain Janeway said, affecting an english accent.
"Yes, Captain," Tom paris replied.
"You'll be working with our enemies over there."
"I've got the Data chip, and you don't!" Agent X said smugly.
"Just go save the world! Both of you!" Janeway said sternly. "And no fighting! And no blowing things up!"
"And no senseless killing!" her counterpart added from his corner.
"You can count on me!" Tom saluted and left with no other information whatsoever because he was psychic and just automatically knew where the bad guy was.
Agent X stuck his tongue out as Tom passed, then followed him out the door.
They all went down to watche Q blowing things up and otherwise ruining the priceless statues and other artwork he was surrounded by. When retiring, Agent X dressed himself in something sexy to sleep in, but upon opening his closet to hang up his former outfit, he was promptly grabbed by Metal Mouth. Trained agent that he was, he then began screaming and flailing about, and had to be rescued by Tom, who was forced to kill Metal Mouth with an electric toothbrush, which he stuffed into his mouth. During the chewing process, Metal Mouth was severely electrocuted.
Tom looked at X in his sexy outfit and invited him back to his room.
"You saved my life, Tom," X said huskily. "How can I ever repay you," He added, flinging himself at his counterpart again.
"Well, this way will do quite nicely," Tom advised him, and kicked the door shut with his foot.
Upon arrival the next day, Q magically appeared, and handed over Tom's fabulous new equipment, and the two agents booked into a hotel room.
Posing as a married Alien Biologist and his assistant/husband, Tom contacted the head of the company and finagled an interview.
Tom promptly ditched Agent X, and went up to see Stroganoff, the head of the company. He was very sternly warned that Stroganoff would chop off his hands if a handshake was attempted.
Stroganoff explained that he hated everyone and everything and never wanted to leave his ship again, and then politely threw Tom out.
Tom met up with Agent X, who had been given a tour of the boat, and they headed back out to the planet.
After much shooting and screaming, The two agents escaped from the clutches of Stroganoff, and drifted off to admire the beauties of space for a little while, as a break from actually working, which is what they should have been doing instead, the slackers.
They peeked in through some of the viewports, killed a couple of space suited sentries, dodged some photon torpedos, and then blew up a scoutcraft.
Having accompliched nothing except senseless violence and death, they landed on the planet surface, to the sound of applause from the natives due to Tom's flying skills, and then returned to their rooms even though the enemy undoubtedly knew where they were and could get to them there.
Tom mentioned his trip a few weeks earlier, and Agent X demanded to know if Tom had killed Dymexia.
"Well, you know, when someone's behind you shooting at you, you don't really have time to turn around and look, so I didn't see anyone's face and really have no idea who they were, but yes, I did kill him." Tom explained.
"Then I will kill you," X replied.
"Damn," Tom said.
The two agents promptly forgot the whole conversation and boarded a decoy ship that they were hoping would get captured.
It did.
After much running, shooting, killing, and screaming, and also many explosions, the two agents escaped with the location of the two missing vessels and the knowledge that Tom hadn't killed Dymexia, He'd killed himself because he had such a stupid name. Agent X apologized for threatening Tom's life, and the two men went off somewhere to have more sex.
end.