GatekeepersLaughaton

This little prank, which started as nothing more than an innocent April Fools joke almost cost me my marriage
by the time it was over!
Years ago we lived in the suburbs in a little three bedroom, two story house. My daughter must have been about 14 years old. It was the end of March, when she pulled me aside one night, while my wife was doing laundry in the basement. "Dad! I want to pull a prank on Mom! April's Fool...you know...!" "What do you want to do?" I snarled at her with distrust. She replied, "You know I heard in school from some kids that if you put cellophane under the toilet seat lose enough so it doesn't touch your skin when you sit down and you couldn't even see it even if the light's on. So, when you take a dump, everything will be yucky." A wide smile suddenly appeared on my face and I wanted to know more. Which bathroom would be used for this festive occasion, for instance (because we had two)? On the second floor were the bedrooms and a bathroom, and on the first floor were the kitchen, family room, and a little guest bathroom. "The one on the first floor " answered my daughter because she noticed that after Mom drinks her coffee that's where she runs...always! 100%! I agreed to the plan! "When do you want to do it?" "Tonight" answered my daughter "because Mom will nod off in front of the TV. ...at ten anyway...that's when we can do it!...She suggested, that she make a fruit mix made primarily with prunes. The joke works best when things are runny. "Bring it on!" I replied, going on about my business. As it was written, the woman passed out in front of the TV. on time, so our quiet activities could begin. My daughter carefully prepared the porcelain seat's cellophane wrapping, trying it too, behind closed doors with her underwear around her ankles because God forbid the cellophane touch her skin when she sat on it, but at the same time making sure it also didn't touch the water! After a half an hour of adjustments and underwear pulling, everything was ready to roll! After all this, we carefully lead Mom up the stairs to the bedroom, tucking her in bed. With satisfied smiles we also got ready to go to get some rest. I whispered to my daughter to make sure she would wake me up in the morning because what fool would want to miss this show! True to my nightly routine, our house was well inspected for intruders before sneaking up the stairs for a little sleep. I almost slipped under the covers when it appeared to me that it would be a good idea to take a leak. In the dark, tiptoeing into the bathroom, the moonlight stealing through the window caught my attention. After lifting up the toilet seat I relieved myself of the last few hours worth of beverages, all the while, thinking of noting else, but my wife's distressed morning awakening. Flushing the toilet as quietly as possible was no easy task! Before the huge blow out, now certainly wouldn't be the best time to piss off the Mrs. I successfully forgot to put down the toilet seat! Slipping under the covers like a maniac, thinking there would be a circus in the house the next morning, with which more or less I had nothing to do, caused me to lie sleepless for a while. If my memory serves me right I'd snoozed off with a huge smile on my face...
   Horrific screaming awoke me at four in the morning. Inarticulate vocabulary... %$Ų#!K ...Hungarian mixed with English, words that should never have left a lady's lips, cursing that would have made even a sailor embarrassed, shot through the stillness of the night with such intensity the neighbour dog ran for cover. Jumping out of the bed like a bullet I shot through the bedroom, and managed to run straight into the repulsive plant rack, where of course an enormous plant was sitting in chest height! The appalling flowerpot flew straight through the window, ripping a huge hole in the paper-thin curtain...that's what really woke me up! Having no time to waste, however, I didn't even give it a second thought. It sounded as if someone was trying to skin my woman; I had to keep moving in the direction of the apparent chaos. Hitting the light switch in the bedroom, finally, I was in the hallway! At the same time my daughter's door flung open. We looked into the dark bathroom and that's when we understood the reason behind the big commotion. In the moonlit bathroom, Mom was stuck in the toilet bowl with her legs up in the air and the toilet seat underneath her armpits. While all this was going on she was howling like a seven headed dragon which accomplished to have six of its heads severed already and which was in deep agony over this matter. She was cursing at us like a drunken lunatic with an occasional outburst of pain, just to make sure we were aware of her physical sufferings as well."YOU DIDN'T PUT THE SEAT DOWN!"
   Frightened, we jumped there to free my wife from the toilet bowl's grasp when the power of her screaming took an even higher pitched and even more radical turn. Until then I couldn't have imagined that such screaming and such profanities could leave my otherwise serene wife's lips. We came to a sudden halt when Mom with half-comprehensible words finally informed us that "FIRST IT HAS TO BE FLUSHED!" ... "Why? :-))) Did you crap in it?" "YES! And get the hell out of here and turn on the light!" we heard, as we were about to exit. Click! My daughter's wonder prune juice mix was the reason for Mom to rush into the bathroom in the middle of the night. Hastily, she threw herself on the toilet seat not even realizing, until it was too late, that the seat was up. By then, however, her tailbone was successfully embedded in the bowl. My thoughts racing. So what? It happened many times before that I didn't put the seat down. What's the big deal? Look where you sit, especially if you have to take a dump! This sort of a thing never happened to me before! We backed away from the bathroom, still shocked and the whole thing finally started to sink in, when suddenly a huge and sharp "FUCK!" shot through the air. "I CAN'T GET OUT OF IT!...FUCK!" In that moment my daughter and I lost it completely. As if we were drunk, we stumbled around in an incredible laughing frenzy. With some difficulty I dared to open the bathroom door. We looked in and saw the situation in its whole unpleasant entirety. My wife was in the nude, her legs kicking in the air, the toilet bowl up to her armpits, meanwhile a rather large brown mud-bath was forming on the bathroom floor getting its reinforcement from underneath my honey's armpits. Her long curly hair looked as if she was a lunatic who was about to break her chains and run off into the wilderness. Let's not forget the never ending shouting either...That was something to remember! Still shaking from laughter, but gathering all my strength I dared to ask the big question, that was on all of our minds, "Did you flush it?"...Ha Ha Ha "YES! FUCK OFF! Bring something, fast and clean it up!" yelled the harpy, as if this too would have been my fault. I immediately passed the bucks to my daughter, reasoning that I had to get some tools to take the toilet bowl off its base. Maybe then, we can pull or push her out somehow! Of course this was a good excuse for me to leave the scene just in time before the laughter broke out of me again. My snot and saliva met halfway as I tried desperately to get my hands on any kind of a tool in the basement that I could use in the big rescue attempt. I arrived in the bathroom with a 3 foot pipe wrench (in my confusion I couldn't find anything else). In the meantime, my otherwise placid wife lost all her faith in every explainable phenomenon familiar to men. She screamed at my daughter to bring her the cell phone immediately. With shaking hands she dialled 911 trying to cover her incredible nervousness. Once again, I had to leave the bathroom because of my uncontrollable laughter. "They'll be here any minute! Bring me a sweater or something to wear!" screamed the woman at me after a short conversation on the phone. Suddenly I didn't know what to get or even which way to run (with the wrench still in my hands). "Who will be here any minute?" came my daring question. "THE AMBULANCE" she screamed. "Ambulance? Why? What's wrong? Are you hurt?" "I CANT' GET OUT OF IT!!!" hollered at me the woman, with looks that could kill...! "MY ASS IS FREEZING SITTING HERE IN THE WATER!" Well, I tried to bring some reason into this bizarre situation by suggesting, "if you could slip in, can't you wiggle your way out too? You know, with a few belly dancer moves?" "I ALREADY TRIED! DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID? I can't, my hipbone won't let me, and it hurts if I try to pull it out!" she said in almost human voice. "Hmm...and what will the paramedics do?" Hearing this the woman became demonic again screeching, "MORE THAN YOU!" "What?" yelling back at her. Pressurize the drainpipe and blow you out of the bowl? "GO TO HELL!" came the answer to all my problems. I went.
   Strange lights appeared through the kitchen, which looked onto the street. Looked outside and a huge fire-truck stopped in front of our house with three or four barely dressed fire men jumping off from all sides. It looked like the invasion of Pearl Harbour. They ran towards the house as if someone held a gun at them. I raced to open the door for just in case they would forget to do it themselves before entering to save our lives. Not knowing what the woman told them on the phone, but thinking the situation was serious; quickly I showed them toward the stairs. They were barely able to squeeze themselves upstairs from all their equipment. When the first one looked into the bathroom, I'm still not sure what he was expecting, but after a few seconds of starring at the situation he swung around almost knocking me over and ran to the corner for the laugh of his life. Due to his frivolous shaking all his equipment made similar sounds like the sheep bells. They all looked in one-by one and then they all went for cover in the corner. For a second, it ran through my mind, that we should start selling tickets for this show! In the meantime my wife was cursing in Hungarian at all of us especially at me. After everybody calmed down everything went really fast. The firemen, in a few minutes, managed to lift off the toilet bowl with the woman in it, leaving a huge mess that consisted mostly of brown liquid that once again became my daughter's job to do something about. They were somehow able to drag their latest victim down the stairs leaving similar markings all the way down.
   Three of them took my wife outside because the ambulance was already on the way, the same time they arrived and so the paramedics should have been there waiting. But the ambulance was nowhere to be seen! It was about six in the morning by now. Well, the men desperately trying to cover their amusement just placed my wife in the toilet bowl at the end of our driveway, like a pot of plant. Then they swiftly walked behind their truck for another laughter or two. All our neighbours already awakened by the lights of the fire truck started to pour out of their houses some not even using the doors, rather just hopping out through the windows. After they glanced at the situation they too, like the firemen, had go for cover. This was too much for my wife! She grew five years older on the spot. Her mouth was foaming, she seemed very antsy, and her head made quick turns like a lighting house. At this point I wasn't even sure what I should grab from the house, something to cover her, until the ambulance gets here! By the time I went back out with a sheet in my hand the whole neighbourhood was in tears, laughing. People in their pyjamas rolled on the ground and the firemen sought refuge in their truck. It was a good thing that at least she had a sweater on, I thought to myself, but at this point she could have been naked just as well, no one would have even noticed. I threw the sheet on my honey, which caused the neighbours to laugh twice as loud! It made her look like an abstract statue before reviling. She angrily yanked the sheet off and screamed, "WHERE IS THAT *$%#@ AMBULANCE?" Thank God they finally arrived! They too had the laugh of their lives and after a few minutes my wife sitting in the bowl was thrown onto the ambulance. They had to take her in to make sure she didn't get injured when the porcelain seat was broken off her ass. My daughter jumped in the ambulance with her Mother. "BRING ME SOME CLOTHES!" yelled my wife at me through the closed ambulance door. Oh, of course! She wasn't going to wear the bowl after the hospital visit! Actually, it looked pretty good on her.
   I ran back into the house, threw some clothes on myself, and was about to leave when it occurred to me that I would need some proof! Who would believe this story if there were no picture? "Where is my camera? Does it have film in it?" ran through my head. "I think it does!", but really there was no time to waste. I grabbed the camera and the usual "Where is my bloody car keys" scare. Found it! Slamming myself into the car, driving like a maniac, halfway to the hospital it occurred to me, that the my honey had no clothes and of course I forgot to take care of this minor detail. Oh, well! I had the camera! Pulling into the Emergency Room parking lot the commotion was extremely observable from quiet a distance. They were just dragging Mom off the ambulance on her leaking throne. People in white scrubs running from every direction of the compass towards the ambulance.     For a second, I thought something really happened. You only see this kind of commotion at a disaster !The car was still in motion when I jumped out and saw, I mean, heard nothing else, but my Love's cursing words in Hungarian directed at me and everyone else because the paramedics called ahead to prepare the rest of the staff for what they were in for: "Mrs. Single Flush" was coming. That's why there was such chaos, otherwise you would only see this kind of a welcome upon the arrival of the victims involved in a major accident.
   The paramedics successfully dragged the woman inside the Emergency Room (she was a great success, I started to be proud of her) and after only a few short hours, they decided that the toilet bowl had to be broken off her! Hmm, then this good show would end? I never laughed so much in my life!
   After another half an hour of conferences between the nurses and doctors the bowl was successfully broken off. But the way it was done should really be mentioned here! A rather large man had to hold my wife from the back underneath her armpits lifting her off the ground (with the bowl still hanging on her). Four other nurses were trying desperately to find a "good" position to assist because it was found out that the poor woman was naked from the waist down. My position was also crucial because with the camera hidden behind my back I was ready to snap the photo of my life! Finally, from who knows where, a hammer was brought to the scene (why did they have a hammer around the operating room anyway?). With a huge "Bang" the problem was finally solved and my poor wife was left in her sweater and nothing more, in the large man's arms. The toilet bowl first broke in half and then into a million little pieces as it hit the ground (everybody standing around had the pleasant experience of being exposed to the remaining brown juice that splattered everywhere).
   In that moment, like the Paparazzi, I jumped in the middle of everything and snapped the picture. Click! Flash! "FUCK YOU!" screamed my ex with her feet still dangling in the air. Because "Divorce will quickly follow!" I thought to myself. She tried to weasel her way out of the large nurse?s grip, but she quickly realized that she didn't have shoes on, and the floor looked like a bomb just went off. Everything turned suspiciously quiet all of the sudden; people were looking for a clean spot to stand. They tiptoed to the four corners of the room. My wife completely lost her cool and screeched, "WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?" with her little hairy pussy in full view of the young, handsome practicing male nurses. She was carefully held, like a precious piece of glass, and was brought out of the war scene. She hid behind me and demanded a gown. While she received VIP treatment I left the room knowing that she would soon flip out again when she realized there were no clothes for her to wear. On my way out yelling back to her in Hungarian that we would meet outside after pulling the car around because I forgot her clothes, I disappeared in a flash. My daughter was waiting outside already knowing there were no clothes. I pulled the car to the front of the building to make sure my wife didn't have to walk far in a hospital gown, a sweater, and no shoes. What I got in the car was the real show! I cried from laughing so much. I could barely see the road, my daughter was experiencing the same hysteria in the back seat. In a quiet moment my wife informed us that we had to hurry because she had diarrhoea. Once again the laughing frenzy came over us. I tried to bring up the story of the repulsive plant, which earlier flew through the paper-thin curtain after I successfully knocked it over, but I could not slip it in to distract the woman from yelling at me. But then it occurred to me that it would be better to watch from a distance when she sees my destruction. We arrived home exhausted. The neighbours were in safe distance now, but still around their windows poorly disguised behind the curtains. My wife was still carrying on in Hungarian and she barely waited for the car to stop when she jumped out angrily. We saw her from behind and lost our cool once again. Her whole butt was in clear view with the sweater hanging everywhere and no shoes. We tried to follow her inside, but were almost unable to make it without another laughing contest. Just as we entered, she closed the door of our first floor bathroom. A sound of satisfaction was heard at this moment. I froze in place as if time had stopped, ready for some sort of a jump in the direction of the closest exit. My daughter, frightened, put her hand in front of her mouth ...and... "FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (The whole house shook!)
   We heard all kinds of strange noises from the bathroom! Oooh Nooo...My daughter's April Fool's prank!              "IF I'LL CATCH YOU... I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" screamed the hopeless woman (after a day like this her desperation was understandable). She tried to bust out of the bathroom, but the door opened to the inside and in such a little space she got stuck. But she couldn't have run very far anyway without first wiping her butt. She was cursing on the top of her lungs. We didn't understand half of it, however, because quickly we turned to make our escape. We jumped in the car and took off.
   That night we didn't sleep at home. My daughter didn't get an allowance for a month and couldn't watch TV for two weeks, after Mom found out that the prune mix was lovingly made by her, just to help things move along better for our little joke. As far as I was concerned, for a long time, the only way I could get close to her more exciting parts when she stood up from the armchair and I quickly took her place. This lasted about two months. My camera didn't have film in it, of course! All the damage was about a thousand bucks because we couldn't go to work for a few days. I'm still listening for the paper-thin curtain because it ripped into little pieces. My wife didn't talk to the neighbours for years and the kids bullied her for a long time.
   I strictly forbade my daughter from ever even remotely thinking about another April Fools prank again!

Original Story                         by Gatekeeper        (Z.B.)
Translated                              by Vuk                  (M.F.)

Email : q_gatekeeper@yahoo.com
Website : http://www.oocities.org/barom_vagy/

© Gatekeeper 2001. 2002.

    ARE YOU GAY?

    An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane". Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more an more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.   As far as I know, they are still on the tarmac fighting it out. ):-)

   PRACTICING FOR THEIR HONEYMOON

   A young couple, engaged to be married, had scheduled a premarital counselling session with a minister. But they failed to show up, so the next morning the minister called the bride-to-be's home. "She's in the hospital," the young woman's mother told the minister. "She probably wants to tell you herself why she didn't show, though." So the minister went to the hospital, and there he found the young woman in traction with a broken leg and collarbone. But the accident had left her feeling more embarrassed than pained. She said her parents were going out of town for the weekend, and asked her to house sit. She and her fiance decided that this would be a perfect chance to "practice for their honeymoon." So as soon as her parents left, they set about "practising" in her parents bedroom. Not long afterward the phone rang. It was her mother, in a panic. She had left the iron on in the basement. Would they please turn it off? The fiance playfully picked her up and carried her to the top of the basement stairs. Both of them were still naked. When she switched on the lights, shouts of "Surprise! Surprise!" came from the basement. Her parents were standing at the bottom of the stairs, along with relatives, in-laws and friends. It was a surprise wedding shower! The shock was too great for the fiance. He dropped her and fled. She rolled down the stairs and lay there naked, while her family gaped. Her grandmother reached for her heart medicine. Everyone was too shocked to cover her. So, the minister concluded, the couple was never legally joined. "The girl went crazy," he said, "and the guy left town."

   How Big is Big?

   How big is the average erect penis? 6.0 inches (15 cm.) Almost 90 percent of men fall within the range of 5 to 7 inches in legnth. What was the biggest erect penis ever measured? 13 inches (33 cm.) Robert Latou Dickinson, one of this century's first science oriented sex researchers, reported that he had personally measured an erect penis thet was a bit over 13 inches.
   [this is quit unusual. Followed by rumours of other large ones - Milton Berle, Forrest Tucker, Dillinger - with this last one also reprted as NOT being in the Smithsonian collection.]
   Blue whales ... feature 10-foot long penises.
   Elephants, while not in the ocean league, often measure in at 6-feet. Any human might feel underendowed by comparison.
Are the penises of black men larger than the penises of white men? No and yes. The largest number of white males (23.9 percent) as well as the largest number of black males (25.4 percent) reported their penis length as 6 inches. However, in the sample for blacks, no one listed a penis size of less than 5 inches compared to 3.2 percent of whites for these smaller sizes and 13.6 percent of blacks reported penis lengths in excess of 7 inches compared to only 7.5 percent of whites. ...same length penises (6 inches) but proportionately fewer blacks seem to have short penises and proportionately more blacks seems to have long penises.
This is not the final word, however, because when we compare the circumferences of penises belonging to whate and black males, a contradictory picture emerges. The largest number of white males (24.1 percent) report an errect penis circumference of 5 inches, whereas the largest number of black males (21.8 percent) report an erect penis of only 4 3/4 inches with only 18.2 percent reporting a 5 inch circumference.
Is there a connection between penis size and the size of other body parts? Probably not.
Do testicles lie at the same level? No.
How big are the average woman's breasts? The average bust line is 35.9 inches (91 cm.) ... [is for American women].... More pointedly, the typical U.S. woman wears a B cup and buys a 36B bra. The proportion of women's cup sizes follows: A-15 percent, B-44 percent, C-28 percent, D-10 percent, others (such as AA or DD)-3 percent.       Are women's breasts identical? No.
How much seman is in a man's ejaculate? One teaspoonful. ...enormous variations [between individuals and between times]...
How fast does ejaculate travel? 28 miles per hour (45 km/hr) "To bed! Aye, Sweetheart; and I'll come to thee," vowed Malvolio in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night and his promis did not exaggerate. Ejaculate may not be as fast as a speeding bullet, but the reletively high speed of the initial spurts demonstrates the force behind them. Once the ejaculate enters the female vagina, however, the speed is abruptly and sharply reduced to a comparative crawl of 1-3 cm per hour.
How many calories are in one ejaculation? Five This is good news for devotees of oral sex and great news for dieters. It is just about impossible to gaim weight swallowing a man's ejaculate even though it is rich in protien. Many like the taste; others find it unpleasant. But, like it or not, "I'm on a diet" is no excuse for omitting ejaculate from one's menue.

April's Fools Day Disaster