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» CHAPTER THIRTEEN: TEARS OF YOU «

So take a look at me now
See there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
And that's what I've gotta face…

My cheeks were burning and I felt embarrassed and stupid as I slowed my jog to a walk outside a closed deli. The only thing I could think of was, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God." set in a constant replay. What had I just seen? Surely it couldn't have been Nick, yet in my heart I knew it was, or I wouldn't have gone running into the night. After all that time I had wished
to see him, I ran. I hadn't the faintest idea why I did that, after all, what did I have to be scared of? I guess I didn't want a confrontation yet. I couldn't go back to the pub now, though, not after that.

I leaned against a brick building and tried to get my bearings, since I had stupidly run into a part of town I knew nothing about. I finally decided to turn around and head back the way I came and hopefully spot a familiar landmark without running into any of the boys or my sister.

God, I wonder what she's going to tell them. I knew someone would corner her and ask about us, probably where we lived and where I would be running off to.

After ten minutes of aimlessly wondering about, I stepped onto a street I knew and quickly went home. I was just about to insert my key into the lock when I had a thought. Maybe they were all here, waiting for me. That would be even worse than appearing back at the English Lamb.

'Work.' I groaned, slapping my forehead. 'You left without permission.' I fervently hoped someone would cover for me.

I turned my back on my apartment and went across the hall to the service stairs, then up to the roof. It was my private place, where I came if I was stressed or needed to get away. If anyone else ever came up here, I had no idea about it, for it was always abandoned. My roommates knew about it, but they respectfully kept their distance. In a way, it reminded me of the  old tree house, I guess that secluded feeling.

I crossed the roof with little thought, for I had already memorized my path months before. There was my lawn chair and my waterproof bag, filled with a blanket, book, umbrella, and towel, to wipe off the chair after it rained. It was near the north edge of the flat roof, where I could sit and prop my feet up on the ledge. It overlooked the tops of smaller buildings, and was lit up faintly by a neon rainbow sign stationed on the top of another building two doors down.

I dropped down to the seat and sighed loudly, taking deep breaths of the cool night air. Since I didn't have a jacket on, I pulled out the blanket and wrapped it around me, leaning back in the chair while I stared at the rare clear, night sky.

And the world keeps spinning
And you keep on winning
But tell me, what happens when it stops

Nick stared blankly at the place where Jennifer had stood, a stunned look on his face. The girls on stage fell silent with confusion, then mumbled about taking a break and rushed off stage.

Brian, Kevin, and Howie came up behind Nick and AJ, patting Nick on the back and offering words of comfort.

"Guys?" A tentative Alex inched her way toward the group, giving them a shy smile when they looked her way.

Nick swallowed, tearing his eyes from the stage to look at his once-best friend's sister. Wordlessly, he gave her a hug which she returned tightly. Soon they all were crowded around her, giving her hugs and hellos.

Alex looked at them all with tears in her eyes. "God, I've missed you guys."

"Where did Jennifer go?" Nick asked her.

Alex bit her lip. "I'm not sure." she said guardedly.

"Alex!" Nick cried out. "This is not the time for keeping secrets. I have to talk to Jennifer. And I will. Save me the trouble of following you home to know where she lives."

Alex sighed. "I don't really know where she would go. Possibly back to our apartment or to her favorite place. She could just be wandering around the city."

"Where's her favorite place?" Brian asked, trying to help.

Alex looked uncertain again, then groaned. "She's gonna kill me…the roof of the apartment. She goes up there whenever she's in a bad mood or wants to be alone."

"Can you take us to your place?" Nick begged, searching Alex's face.

"I suppose so. Let me see if I can get someone to cover for me and Jenn. Stay right here." Alex disappeared into the kitchen and the group walked back to their table.

"This is so great. I can't believe we finally found her." Howie was saying, contributing to the 'Jennifer' buzz.

Chanel was the only one who wasn't bouncing in her seat. In fact, she had a full fledged scowl on her face and kept shooting glares in Nick's direction.

Alex came back five minutes later dressed in street clothes and a backpack on her shoulder. Nick, AJ, and Brian decided they would go with Alex and meet the others at the hotel later on.

Nick hugged Chanel close to him and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. "I love you, sweetie. Don't wait up for us if it gets too late."

Chanel wrapped her arms around Nick and kissed his cheek. "Don't try to force her to talk. If she's mad, leave. I wouldn't want to find myself with a boyfriend with no head." She kissed him again, this time on the lips, and Nick could feel her unhappiness.

He reluctantly let go of her arms, waved, then started off with Alex. They made the building in record time and headed up to the apartment to see if Jennifer had stopped by.

Nick felt himself starting to get antsy as Laura listened to Alex's quick re-hashing of the night. "I think I'm going to go check the roof. That's her place, right?" he asked, nodding toward Alex.

She nodded, waving towards the door. "The elevator doesn't go all the way up, so stop at the top floor then take the service stairs that will be to your left."

Nick followed her instructions and was soon stepping out into the cool London air. A breeze whipped past him and he zipped up his jacket, then moved forward, taking care not to make any noise. If Jennifer was sitting on the roof, he wasn't going to make the mistake of letting her escape again. He laid his hand on the edge of the roof and started following the outline, blue eyes carefully analyzing everything in his path.

After a few minutes he heard soft sniffling and slowed. His heart soared when he saw Jennifer resting in a lawn chair wrapped in a blanket, her hair whipping behind her as the wind blew.

He walked silently over to the chair, almost cursing outloud when his sneakers crunched on the gravel.

Jennifer whirled around, her eyes widening in surprise at the sight of him. Her hands flew to her mouth and she whispered, "Oh my God," as she scrambled to her feet.

Nick rushed over and grabbed her arm. "Don't go!" he pleaded as she struggled.

Jennifer slowly stopped and stood still, except for her lower lip that trembled.

Nick gently released her hand and stepped back, drinking in her face and disbelieving expression. She looked exactly like he pictured; beautiful.

When he stared into her eyes, however, he winced. They looked so much like they had in his dreams.

Unable to hold back any longer, Nick laughed. He laughed so hard it was hard to tell when his tears turned real.

Jennifer's expression turned to confusion as Nick dropped to the ledge, clutching his sides as he laughed breathlessly while tears ran down his cheeks.
 

I could barely breathe. Then again, I could barely comprehend what I was seeing. Nick was getting almost hysterical as he laughed. I couldn't tell if he was actually crying until his giggles subsided and all that was left was quiet sniffles.

I slowly sat back down, clutching my blanket across my lap as I watched Nick. He sensed my gaze and looked up. His dark blue eyes were glassy and shiny, and tear stains made tracks down his face.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered, unable to make any more noise.

Nick laughed again, but this time it was a dry, grating noise. "What am I doing here?" he repeated, disbelief written on his handsome features. "What the hell are you doing here? Do you know how long I've been looking for you?"

I closed my eyes and felt tears prick my eyelids. What could you say to that? "I'm-" I mouthed, the huge lump in my throat stopping any speech. I coughed, then tried again. "I can't believe it's really you."

Nick sighed. "Why did you leave? Do you know how much you upset everyone when you left? Just, poof, one day you were there, and the next, you were gone. It's been five years and I haven't heard a word from you, my supposed best friend. I tried everything I could to find out where you were, called the airports, your friends, family. Your parents wouldn't even tell me where you were. It was like you were…dead."

I sat still, knowing he wasn't finished rambling. Nick jumped up and began pacing in front of me, a thing he always did when he was tense or angry. "Why didn't you want to see us anymore? How could you think it was OK just to vanish like that? Why the hell did you leave me?" he shouted, throwing his hands up in frustration. He stopped and looked back at me, then kneeled down in front of me. "I missed you."

Those three little words nearly did me in. "I missed you too."

When he spoke again, his voice was gentler, like he was talking to a little child. "Why did you leave?" he repeated. "If you never talk to me again, just tell me why you did that."

I let out my breath in a long whoosh, reasons racing through my head. 'Because I thought Chanel was pregnant. Because I couldn't handle seeing you and not being able to be the one you wanted. Because I loved you and you didn't return the feeling.'

"I, I don't know…why I left. There's just so many things that," my voice caught. "That were going on. I felt trapped. I just…I can't tell you, Nick, because honestly, I don't understand it myself. I understand though that you're mad at me, and you have every right to be."

"I am mad, but that doesn't matter right now. I'm just so happy to see you again. After all this time, I never thought I would."

I gazed into his eyes again, trying to think how I could've left someone like him. "For what it's worth, I'm so sorry, Nick. Sorrier than you'll ever know. I know it won't help, but-"

Nick grinned slightly. "You're right, it doesn't help much."

I let out a small laugh. "Could we start over? I want to be your friend again."

"You never stopped being my friend." Nick said emotionally. "But starting over would be great. Better than great. Just promise me one thing?"

"Anything."

"Don't ever do that again."

I knew exactly what he was talking about. "I promise, Nick. I'm older now, and I realize I can't make things go away by running from my problems."

Nick stood up, extending his hand towards me. Grinning, he said, "Hi, my name is Nick Carter, I'm a successful musician, and I like basketball."

I stifled a laugh as I placed my hand in his, shaking it. "Hi, Nick, I'm Jennifer Alton. I'm a waitress and aspiring singer and actress, and I hate cleaning up tables."

Nick laughed again, but this time it was a lighter, carefree sound that reminded me of the old days. He tightened his grip on my hand and pulled me into a standing position. "So…"

I knew what he wanted. I held open my arms and he quickly jumped on me, wrapping me in the warmest hug I've ever experienced.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt my spirits fly. Somewhere in between our screaming and hugging, it had begun raining. It cleaned everything, purifying our friendship, truly marking a new beginning, a new chapter. It may have been a bittersweet reunion, full of anguish and tears and unanswered questions, yet it somehow healed my soul.

…The sky is crying
the tears of you
Every essence, every presence
Every breath and every dream

¤ Chapter 14: Forgive And Forget? Let's Not ¤
REMEMBER to send feedback to the author, Stephanie