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» CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: ORANGE FEATHERS «

When I woke up the next morning, I was surprised to find myself stretched out on the couch with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders. The sun was shining brightly through the windows behind me, giving me a feeling of roasting alive under the thick woolen blanket.

I pushed the blanket down to my feet, struggling to sit up. My hair felt like a rat's nest, and the clothes I was wearing the previous night were damp with perspire.

"Well, well, look who's finally decided to grace us with her presence." Ariana teased, walking in from the kitchen, her apron tied around her waist and a smudge of flour on her cheek.

"What time is it?" I asked groggily, my throat bitter from the unpleasant taste in my mouth.

Ariana looked at her wristwatch. "It's after noon. You've been snoring all morning, but we didn't think you got much sleep last night, so we left you." Ariana gave me a concerned look. "Are you Ok? You look disoriented. Nick called while you were zonked out—was wondering when you were coming over to say goodbye. He sounded very strange over the phone, too. What happened last night?"

We almost kissed. "Not much." I lied. "We just watched some movies, and then Chanel called him and asked him to go to the hotel."

Laura walked in to hear the last part of my sentence, her reading glasses perched on her nose. "Morning, Jennifer. You must have been pretty tired to fall asleep on the couch. Aren't your American friends leaving today?"

At that thought my face fell. "Yeah. Did you know Nick invited me to tag along for the rest of the tour?" I asked them.

"He did?" Ariana said, surprised. "And you didn't jump at the chance?"

I shrugged. "I've got priorities here. I can't just go up to my boss and ask for a three week break. He'd laugh in my face."

Laura and Ariana both looked skeptical. "I know James, and he's pretty understanding. You're the hot spot of the bar." Laura
commented. She sat down on the couch next to me and gave me a sharp look. "I'm sure this has nothing to do with Chanel and the fact that you still love him, does it?"

I stared at the ceiling instead of her. "Maybe. Yes. So what if it does?" Neither said anything, just gave me sympathy looks. I inwardly groaned; I did not want a pity party. "Well, I'm gonna take a shower, and then call Nick. See you guys in a little bit." I made my escape in to the bathroom.

Forty-five minutes later I came back out and grabbed the phone, dialing Nick's cell phone. He picked up after three rings, sounding like he was in a store of some sort. "Hello?"

"Hey, Nick." I said, trying my hardest to sound cheerful. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, just wandering around." Nick cleared his throat loudly, a sign he was un-comfortable. He voice sounded high and scratchy, like he hadn't gotten enough sleep.

"What time are you guys leaving?"

Nick paused before answering. "Around three-ish. We're gathering in the hotel lobby by two-thirty, and I can't leave, so I'll have to meet you there."

My watch told me it was almost two. My heart clenched in my throat. "Oh. O-ok then. I'll meet you by the elevators at two-thirty. Will I be able to get in to the hotel?"

Nick sighed. "Tell any of the guards the password. Today I think it's ‘the duck flies at midnight’."

I let out a half-hearted giggle. "Great. See you then."

I was about to hang up when I heard Nick's voice pleading to me, "Jennie."

"Yeah?" I asked, worried. He sounded nervous and freaked-out.

"There's something I…I need to tell you."

"What is it, Nick? Is something wrong?"

He ignored my question. "I can't tell you over the phone though." He didn't offer any more, so I replied.

"Ok. We'll talk when I see you. Bye."

"Bye." he whispered softly.

I hung up the phone, feeling more desolate then I had before the conversation. Something was wrong with Nick, I could feel it.

Nick pressed the phone to his ear, listening to the dial tone after Jennifer had hung up. The steady, constant buzzing was reassuring to him for some strange reason. After Channel's news the night before, anything that remained constant, stable, and mesmerizing was fascinating to him. A recording of a woman's voice spoke to him.

"If you would like to make a call, please hang up and dial again. If you would like information to—"

Nick reluctantly closed the phone and stuck it back in his pocket, then faced the store-clerk who was helping him. She gave him a fake smile to show she wasn't annoyed by being put on hold. "Have you made your decision yet, Mr. Carter?"

Nick looked around the store, wrinkling his nose in distaste. He bent over his selections, eyeing each one listlessly. "How about…" Nick waved his hand over the items, then abruptly dropped it, landing on whichever was closest. "…this one. Please wrap it up."

The store-clerk looked at him strangely, but did as he wished.

‘She's probably used to seeing happier men walk in here.’ Nick thought, staring hard into a light fixture. ‘And I should be happy. I am. I think. I'm just tired, that's all. Plus I'm gonna be leaving Jennie again, and I don't know how I'm going to say good-bye.’

The woman interrupted his staring contest with a French poodle barking at him through the window and handed him his credit card receipt.

He scribbled his name quickly, slating downward on the paper and missing the dotted line by a mile. He gave her a sheepish look, took the package, and stepped out the door. As he tucked the small, velvet box—that contained a large, diamond engagement ring—into his pocket, he inwardly sighed.

‘I’m so sorry, Jennifer.’

Chanel opened her drawer, pulled out a stack of shirts, and practically danced over to her suitcase, dropping them in one by one, humming to herself. She had no doubt in her mind where Nick was at that very moment.

‘It’s working so perfectly.’ she thought to herself, smiling devilishly. ‘Nick’s like putty in my hands; he believes everything I say. And why wouldn't he, he loves me, after all. He'll be disappointed when I have my miscarriage in the next few months, but heel get over it soon enough...we'll have the wedding, and soon after we can have a real child.’

The skin above Channel's brow wrinkled slightly. Of course, she wanted to have more time by herself with Nick, before squirming, smelly, screaming babies entered the picture.

The thought of her standing inside her and Nick's house, wearing stretch pants and an over-sized shirt to hide her girth—that wouldn't leave no matter how many stomach crunches she did—trying to powder a crying toddler's behind while another ran around her legs with dirty hands screaming that she help him make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, frightened her to the very core.

Chanel started to shiver, and ran to the wall to turn up the heat. She and little kids never got along very well, for some reason. Imagine having to live with one.

A knock on her door brought her out of her nightmares. Outside stood Brian wearing his baseball cap over his face. He looked up and gave her a little smile.

"Hey, Chanel. Can I come in?"

Chanel smiled tolerantly. "Of course, Bri. Nick's not here though, he went out early."

"I know, I saw him before he left." Brian replied, looking around the room.

She shut the door and returned to her suitcase, mildly interested in what he wanted to say.

Brian turned to face her. "So, Nick told me what happened last night." he said. "You're pregnant! That's wonderful." he exclaimed.

Chanel grinned sweetly. "Thanks, Brian! That means a lot. I hoped you guys would be happy for us."

Brian hugged her. "Of course we are, sweetheart. You're like a little sister to us, we're gonna help in any way we can."

"Thanks." she repeated.

Brian smiled at her. "Well, I just came to say congrats, and that we're meeting down in the lobby at two-thirty so we can get everything boarded and leave by three."

"Ok, great. I'll see you down there." Chanel gave him another smile, then waved as he left. Brian hadn't been gone for five minutes when Nick walked in.

"Chanel, are you sure you should be straining yourself like that?" he asked, making her sit.

Chanel restrained herself from rolling her eyes. "Nick, I'm pregnant, not handicapped. I'll be able to do a lot of things on my own, at least until I get really huge. Besides, it's only packing."

Nick nodded slowly. "I guess so. Just take it easy." He looked a bit distracted, his fingers kept making their way to his pocket.

Chanel tried hard to keep a blank look on her face, but she already figured what Nick was about to do.

"Chanel…I know that this isn't the most romantic moment or spot to do this, but if you're in love with someone, it shouldn't matter." Nick began. He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a small, black velvet box, then got down on one knee.

Channel's eyes widened. "Oh my God…" she trailed off.

He opened the box and a gigantic oval diamond ring twinkled at her. "Chanel Valara, will you marry me?"

Chanel let out a little squeal. The ring was gorgeous… "Oh, Nick." she whispered. "Oh, Nick, yes, yes, of course I'll marry you!" She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek repeatedly. Somehow he managed to get the ring on her left ring finger, then paused to admire it with her. "It's wonderful, baby, absolutely gorgeous." she breathed.

Nick's mouth smiled widely, but Chanel missed the hopeless, despaired flash that sparkled his eyes. "I know…"

Wish I could be the one

The one who could give you love

The kind of love you really need

My chest got heavier and heavier as the taxi wound its way closer to the hotel, stopping almost a block away because of the crowd of screaming girls, and the three giant buses parked outside the front doors.

I paid and thanked the cabby, then hopped out and began searching for a security guard. They had all new security from when I was on tour, and I prayed they wouldn't just dismiss me as a hopeless fan.

I got as close as I could to the doors, then purposely bumped into a security guard. "Excuse me!" I shouted in his ear, trying to grab his attention.

He looked at me fiercely.

I leaned close. "The password is ‘The duck flies at midnight’! I'm here to see Nick!"

Begrudgingly, he nodded and grabbed my arm, then we forced our way to the revolving doors. Fans closest to the door shouted their disappointment and shock that a girl from the crowd (me) got to go in.

Inside it was surprisingly quiet; I found it quite humorous to see the girls’ gaping mouths, but without the noise, it reminded me of fish. The lobby was filled with crew members, some walking around, others sprawled out on couches reading or sleeping. The buses were already packed, since there had been a week's gap between shows, so there was nothing for them to do except wait for the guys and head out.

I found the elevators and seated myself on a bench next to a ficus plant. A few crew members that had been there in my day as a Backstreet groupie caught sight of me and we spent a few minutes catching up.

Ten minutes past, time leaning toward two thirty-five, yet there was still no Nick. Finally, the elevator beside me dinged and opened, and he, Howie, and Chanel walked out carrying their suitcases and duffels.

Nick looked at me and I felt a jolt go through me. I gave him a little smile and waited as he left the conversation to come beside me.

"You're late." I informed him as I stood up to get a hug.

He looked hesitant to touch me, but held me fiercely when I looped my arms around his neck. "Sorry bout that…you know me, never on time." He tried to laugh but failed; the breathy sound that came out of his mouth sounded like a choked gasp, and his face looked too solemn.

I frowned deeply. "What's wrong with you, Nick? You said you had something important to tell me."

Nick shot a look at Chanel, who was pretending to listen to Howie, but I could see her sending catty smirks and evil glares our way.

"You should sit back down." he said, seating himself on the bench, grasping my wrists and bringing me with him. "Ok…uh, last night, when Chanel called me, she said she had something to tell me." he began.

That knee-quivering, cotton-mouth, dread thing started to spread through my body. Anything important Chanel had to say was certainly something disastrous for me or Nick.

"She told me that she's, she's pregnant, if you can believe it!" Nick exclaimed loudly, laughing hysterically. A few people nearby shot him eye-brow raised looks.

My first impulse was also to laugh and laugh, and never stop. "Hasn't she already used that line?" I muttered under my breath. Nick looked at me desperately, waiting for an answer. "Uh…wow." I managed. "You sure this time?" I giggled, though there was no mirth in it.

"Yeah, pretty sure." Nick's tone matched my own.

‘Well, that's it.’ the snotty voice in my head (that sounded strangely enough, like Channel's) told me smugly. ‘Now you're completely screwed. I told you never to get your hopes up where Nick was concerned. But did you listen? No! I hope you don't expect me to sit here and listen to you cry and complain—‘

‘Oh, shut up.’ I snapped, silencing the voice.

Before I could say something to Nick, Chanel slid up, positioning herself onto Nick's lap. "Sorry to interrupt, but I couldn't help but over-hear that you were telling her about the pregnancy, and I was just too excited to stay over there." she apologized to Nick.

‘Yeah, you couldn't wait to come over to gloat.’ I snorted rather loudly. Nick and Chanel looked at me quizzically. I almost laughed again.

You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you

Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do

Chanel leaned forward, her eyes glinting slyly. "Did Nick also tell you about our engagement?"

Now that really did blow me away. ‘I should've seen that one coming. That's just like Nick.’ I thought bitterly. ‘He would never leave his girlfriend by herself once he found out she was carrying his baby, and he's always sworn that his kids would grow up in a healthy environment. Of course he'd marry her.’

"No, he didn't." I replied evenly. "But then, if you were listening to our conversation, you would've already known that." Score a big fat one for me.

Chanel sat back up and sniffed. Nick looked completely lost and confused between the two of us—I’m surprised he hadn't already been burnt to a crisp, caught in the cross-fire of looks.

"Congratulations on your engagement and baby." The words left my mouth with a bitter taste.

Chanel grinned, then stuck out her left hand, shoving it under my nose. "Thanks, sweetie. Look at the ring Nick bought me—isn’t it a beauty?" she crowed.

It looked a bit too gaudy on her hand for my tastes—I’ve always been one for more simpler styles—but I nodded for Nick's benefit.

"Where did you go to get the results of your pregnancy?" I asked her. "I hope you didn't go to the Sherman Clinic—I hear they don't sterilize their instruments after usage." I smiled at her. "We certainly wouldn't want you to get some kind of rare and fatal disease where you die a horrible and convulsing death in the end."

Chanel frowned at me. "I went to, uh, Dr. B-Brian Ross, at the Princeton Hospital." she answered, naming the local hospital only a few blocks away from the hotel.

"All right, pansies, we're leaving in five minutes, so get you're lazy butts off the floor and try working for a living!" the tour
director—a quite short and wry man to be making such remarks about such huge and burly crew members—gave a shout that
reverberated throughout the domed lobby.

Nick patted Channel's shoulder. "Why don't you go out with one of the security guards and get settled in?" he suggested in a voice that left no room for argument. "I'm gonna say goodbye to Jenn, then I'll be out before we leave."

Chanel sighed. "Ok, I guess. I'll be waiting for you, honey." She made sure to give him a long kiss on the lips, stood, and gave me her utmost fake smile. "Goodbye, Jennifer. We'll miss you on the tour. I certainly hope you'll come to Florida for the wedding. I could make you one of my bridesmaids."

‘You'd love that chance to flaunt marrying Nick in my face, wouldn't you?’ I seethed. I gave her a smile that matched her own. "I'll be looking forward to it. Bye, now."

I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

After she left, both Nick and I stood. "Well." I said. "I guess this is it."

"This is it." Nick repeated. "I'll miss you, Jennifer. You'll have to come back to Florida for a long vacation sometime. You can bring that bratty sister of yours along too."

We both grinned. "Though maybe…" I said after we settled down. "…maybe it's better if we don't see each other that much." I didn't think my heart could take it if I had to watch he and Chanel cuddle all the time. Just thinking about them getting married made me want to weep.

I hope someday you can
Find someway to understand
I'm only doing this for you

Nick's eyes widened, he looked hurt. "Why…" He seemed to be at war with himself. "If that's what you want."

"No," I exclaimed. "It's just…"

"I know." Nick sighed. "I understand. It's probably for the best. You and Chanel don't even seem to get along with each other."

I looked sheepish. "Ah—well, she's not that bad…we've just got some differences. Yeah."

Nick didn't looked convinced.

I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know
This is the kindest thing to do

"Two minutes!" the tour director yelled again, then scampered out into the crowd clutching his clipboard.

Nick's bodyguard inched a bit closer to us and briefly nodded, making sure Nick knew he was there.

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
Oh, I don't want to leave you

Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

"You should go." I choked, my eyes misting.

Nick wrapped me in a hug once again. "I don't want to leave you." he whispered.

I squeezed my eyes tightly together, but the tears leaked out anyway. "I don't want you to leave me either. But you have to. You're the star of the show." I smiled, but it didn't help that my lips were trembling so hard I could barely speak.

"I'll call you when we get back to Florida and get settled down." Nick promised.

I nodded, trying to remember the way he smelt, the sound of his leather jacket crunching as he moved, and the way his arms fit
perfectly around me. "’K. Have fun."

"Wait!" Nick said, letting me go and going to his bags. He brought back a gift bag filled with tissue paper. "This is for you. Don't open it till you're at home and alone."

I accepted it and smiled. "Home and alone, promise." I obliged. "Goodbye." I couldn't refrain myself, I flung my free arm around his neck and kissed his cheek, which felt rough from lack of shaving.

Nick looked like he was about to cry himself. "Goodbye, Jennie." He nodded to his bodyguard, and together they made their way out the doors; Nick trying to smile and look jovial in front of the fans.

I watched, pressed up against the window, watched him climb aboard the bus, saw the five guys sticking their heads out the window to wave at fans. They all looked at me and blew kisses, AJ and Brian taking it to the next level and trying to make out with their hands. I snorted and laughed, one hand wiping the tears off my face, the other waving frantically. I kept my eyes on Nick's until the bus drove out of sight, rounding the corner where we could no longer see them.

With a broken heart and present, I started home.
Baby it's never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

When I got home, I ran straight to my room, shut the door, and flopped onto my bed. I was itching to find out what Nick had gotten me, and I was open to anything that would take my mind off of his engagement and Channel's pregnancy.

"Geez, Nick, think you put enough tissue paper in here?" I mumbled to myself, pulling out massive amounts of yellow and green wrappings.

A lone orange dyed feather floated through the air to land on my lap. I picked it up and examined it, trying to guess what Nick could have bought me that had orange feathers attached to it. I was starting to get a bit of an idea when I finally reached the wrapped
present.

I carefully undid the tape around the edges and started to laugh. I kept laughing, holding that stupid, gaudy picture frame in my hands, fearing that if I didn't laugh I'd sob. The feathers tickled my hand as I raised it closer to my face, seeing the writing at the bottom of the picture, and the bell jangled incessantly.

The photograph was one of an adolescent Nick and I sitting in a huge tree near the bank of a lake, arms wrapped around each other's shoulders loosely. We both had big grins on our faces, me with braces and a light blue cast from my wrist to elbow, him with spiky hair and a long scratch on his cheek that he scraped climbing up the trunk.

"To Jenn, love Nick." was written near the bottom left hand corner. In smaller letters under his name was, "Open back of frame."

I did as I was told, with some difficulty because I couldn't find the hooks under all the feathers. Behind the photo was a folded up piece of notepaper. I opened it up and read through Nick's handwriting.

"Dear Jennifer: I know you didn't like this frame I found at the pawn shop, you can't ever fool me, but I know that if I loved it, you'd love it, you're like that sometimes. I'm writing you this because I don't think I'll be able to see you much anymore, I get that feeling each minute that counts down to the time I have to leave England. The time after you left us all five years ago was the hardest period of time in my life, ask any one of the guys (especially Brian) and they'll let you know. I thought I'd never see you again, ever, and that thought nearly broke my heart. I may have had everything I needed at that point in time—fame, friends, girlfriend—but I didn't have you. Inscribed on my brain is how beautiful you looked when we made up last week; you could not fathom how happy I was to have finally seen and touched you once again. I hope I'll never forget that moment for as long as I live. I regret we have to end this way—occasional visits once or twice a year, rare phone calls and even rarer letters—and I hope maybe someday it'll get better. You'll always have my heart, Jennifer Marie, no matter who I'm with in the end. Even though I don't want to go, I love you, goodbye. Sincerely yours, Nick."

¤ Chapter 18: Make A Choice ¤
REMEMBER to send feedback to the author, Stephanie