In My Weakness

Seems like most of my adult life has been nothing but abuse.

I married at 21 thinking it was going to be forever. I had known him since I was fifteen . I loved him so much. I wanted to be with him more than anything. I thought I knew him but I didn't or maybe I did and I thought I could change him with my love. Of course it wasn't happily ever after. He was an alcoholic,I did know that he drank he had always done that I even drank with him for a while, but I had no idea what it meant that it would become his life, and destroy our family.

It didn't take long to find out how much the alcohol had control of him,the verbal abuse was there early as I look back now it was even before we were married but I was blinded by love.

The physical and emotional abuse came the last years and grew worse I couldn't stand the drinking anymore every time I heard a beer can open or he would bring a bottle of liquer home I felt the fear and I would open my mouth though I knew I would get hurt.

I watched as my children stood in fear crying and begging me to leave him, but still I stayed, I made excuses for him it was only the alcohol.I felt trapped like I couldn't do anything because I couldn't make it all alone. I was afraid of the unknown more than I was of him.

I don't know what happened but one day in 1979 I gave up and took steps to get out of this situation and it seemed that each step I took took me farther away till there was no way of turning back. I don't think he wanted to lose his family but he just couldn't give up the alcohol.

I was divorced and living on my own with three kids to take care of. I wasn't very strong I still expected to get my family back together but it didn't happen.So I made the next big mistake of my life I took the next guy that wanted me. I thought I was moving on with my life but to what I didn't really realize.

Within six months I was marrying another man . I really knew less about this one. We saw each other only one month before marrying, he acted so nice and I was so desperate to have someone love me that I fell right into that old trap that I had struggled to get out of.What I didn't know was that this one was more violent than the other, he didn't drink that I know about, but he would get in rages and he could have easily killed me at any time.

Still I was stuck in this vicious cycle, thinking there was no way out and at times not even caring if he did kill me and get me out of this poor excuse for a life.

In 1986 my first husband was found in the river, he drowned we will never know if it was an accident or something else. I was devastated because I still loved him, but now my hope was gone.

My second husband and I lost a child because of his abuse,and he still wasn't satisfied. I was forced to have another child, she was a beautiful child and I loved her dearly, but things didn't improve he was just more violent. It took a situation which endangered other family members to get me to see that this couldn't continue without someone else getting hurt.

We were divorced in 1987,and again I was left alone and with another child to raise.

I had to let my daughter spend every other weekend with him, I was so afraid for her to be with him but it was the law, he had rights.

A few years later my fears became realility, my daughter told me he had molested her, but we had no real physcial proof so nothing was done about it, but she didn't see him anymore.

I had gone through nineteen years of abuse in two different marriages . I had been through physcial, emotional, even sexual abuse these these men who had said they loved me.I felt so ashamed dirty and worthless.

I didn't know how to live on my own I only went through the motions of living, mostly I just stayed at home that had become my prision, only getting out when I had to.

My kids had gone to The First Church of God for years; they had given their lives to Christ. But I couldn't bring myself to face people, so I just stayed in my own little world. Sometimes I felt like they were deserting me to go to Church, I resented it. I was all alone without any friends or anyone to talk to.

There were times I felt like there was no reason to live the only way out was sucide. But I didn't have the nerve to do it, to leave my family behind. I saw no hope for a better life. I had to just live this exsitance no matter how difficult it was.

But God had plans for my family and me; He wasn't going to let me take the eaasy way out.

In 1993 one of my sons that was married by this time decided to become a Youth Pastor, he started Bible College. He was so excited he would come and share some of the great things he was learning with me. I could see the desire in his heart, It made me start to think about my life and how I had been living .I began to have a desire to really live maybe it wasn't too late for me, maybe I could still become someone my kids could be proud of.

I began to seek knowledge of the Bible. I began to study and read Christian books. Slowly I started to go to Church, It was so hard in the beginning, Satan tried something new every week to stop me, but each time I would step out in faith, and God would help me to overcome the temptation. The people made me feel welcome and became like a second family for me.

On September 5, 1993 I gave my life to Christ. It was a new beginning for me; I had a chance to live, to be the person I was meant to be. My heart began to change I started to look up not down. It has made all the difference,.I know that I would not be here today if I had not surendered my life to Christ.

I got a job in the church in 1996, the first job I ever had and I have learned many things, even computers which finally led me to my web sites so that I can have a ministry for Christ, and be able to help other Christians who may be going through trials. God is using my new found skills for his glory. And that pleases me to be able to express what He has done for me.

I am so thankful that my kids were praying for my salvation even if they didn't tell me or try to force me to go to Church, they were good examples. I can honestly say today that I am glad that I am alive today and have a future.

In the last seven years I have done things that I had believed impossible but with Christ it is possible.

The road isn't always easy, sometimes God has to give me a challenge or a little push, but in my weaknesses he does make me strong.

Not long ago I went through a very difficult change in my life; I lost my job that I had done for four years. For no apparent reason to me, oh they gave excuses but they didn't make sense to me. I felt very betrayed and rejected by people who were my friends, I couldn't see how I could ever forgive and go on with my life. Then God showed me that Jesus had these feelings also he had been betrayed, rejected, and much more, and though His heart was broken, He was able to forgive them.

Even the body of Christ can hurt you whether they see it that way or not. The descisions they make can change someone else's life.

People will tell you that it is for the best that you will find something better. Well that doesn't make sense when you are going through depression. I became more and more bitter, not knowingly, I thought I had a right to these feelings, I thought I was dealing with it in the only way that I could, but it took a jolt from my son to make me realize what I was doing was wrong, I had to give up this burden to the only one big enough to handle it.

I prayed Oh God please give me the attitude of Christ please let me be able to forgive. Well when I finally let it go it didn't take long til I realized He was working in this situation, The anger and pain was disappearing. I was starting to forgive them one by one, until it was all gone.

I still don't understand why it happened but I know that God has brought some good things out of it. I am stronger and I now have this Web Ministry to concentrate on, and I feel that is what God wanted for me. He's not through with me yet, I know that I will have to go through more trials before I leave this world, but I glad I don't have to go through it all by myself.

My parents have always stood by me, whether I was right or wrong, they were there for me. I know that it hurt them to see me destroying my own life, but they didn't give up on me. Several years ago the gave there lives to Christ also. That has made me very happy.

He continues to work in my life everyday, He is not through with me yet.

UPDATE:March 5,2001 my dear sweet Daddy passed away. I created a Memorial Page in memory of him. Hope you will visit.