I think Lisa somehow knew school would be trouble for her, when she was 4 she would walk with her grandpa to take the other kids to school, he told her when you're 5 you can go to school too. She said "no, when I'm 5 I'll just have a baby instead of go to school. Then after kindergarten he said next year you get to go all day like the others she said "ohhhh noooo, I only signed up for kindergarten. But she had ADD/HD and started having trouble in elementary school. I still feel a lot of guilt about that, I had never heard of attention deficit or hyperactivity. But I felt the teachers should have known, when they would say she needs to not watch TV and study, I always told them she doesn't watch any TV she can't be still long enough to watch TV.It wasn't found out until she was in 6th grade. By then her self esteem was in the gutter.
She got in with the wrong crowd young at 13. She started running away. We went through so many times of wondering if she was alive or dead, Lisa started the heroin later. As much as I worried that the drugs would take Lisa away from me, I realized when it happened that I never really thought it would happen....I thought she would realize and get better....she never had the chance to.
But that was another thing I felt guilty about, because the last few years before she passed, I told Lisa she couldn't move back home. Well I told her she would have to go to a rehab and get clean before she could come home...my granddaughter lived with us and I couldn't expose her to that.
Lisa had been in jail for about 8 months(we had refused to bail her out). Part of her release was that she had to go straight to a rehab. This is where I feel God Blessed us, she couldn't get in the rehab right away so we had our sweet funny Lisa with us for almost 2 weeks. She went to the rehab and she told me "Don't worry, I won't use again. I know that's when you OD and die, after you have been clean too long."
On 8/27/98 the police came to my door. I told them it couldn't be my daughter, she was in a rehab. I called the rehab and at first they wouldn't talk to me, until I told them the police were there. Then they told me she had left in the middle of the night 2 days before. The female officer asked if Lisa had any marks that would identify her. I told her she had a tattoo on her arm. She got on the radio, and then said there was no tattoo. It was such a relief. Then they asked my daughter Gina to go with them to be sure. I wanted to go but they wouldn't let me. While they were gone I held my granddaughter and alternated between crying together and saying it can't be her there is no tattoo. Then I saw the police car coming back, I knew when I saw Gina get out of the car...it was my Lisa!! Gina said she knew when she walked in the room, even before she saw her face because of the position she was in ( Lisa had a special way she curled up when she was sleeping very comfortable ). This is something that I have to be very thankful for...the house Lisa was in was a drug house, the people there could have saved themselves a lot of trouble if they had dumped her somewhere instead of calling for help. If they had done that I never would have known if she suffered...but since Gina was able to see her in her special position, I know she went peacefully.
Seems like the whole next year is just a blur except for a few time that stand out.
I think other parents of addicts will understand when I say that the hole I felt in my heart....it wasn't the first time I felt that hole. I had felt it before, sometimes even when Lisa was standing right in front of me. Because even though she was standing there I couldn't find my daughter in that person who was with me. Drugs change a person so much, you wonder where is my child. The only difference is that then there was a hope of getting her back. Now the hope was gone.
One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath the tree.
I looked into the open sky and hoped He'd answer me.
I'm lost, dear Lord, I've traveled far but still I seem to roam.
Please light the way and lead me, Lord; I need to get back home.
I told Him of my burdens and of the sadness in my heart~
that from His gracious love I'd never felt so far apart.
Why did you take my child, Lord? I cannot understand!
No longer can I touch her face or hold her hand.
I'm angry Lord, I'm missing her. I'm drowning in my sorrow.
Please help to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow.
It was then I heard her gentle voice and felt her presence near.
How I wanted so to hold her as I cried another tear.
She said, "Mom, I'm an angel now, my spirit is free.
I'm an angel now in heaven, so please don't cry for me.
I was chosen by our Lord above and now I'm in His care.
When you need me, look inside your heart. I promise to be there.
No one can ever take away our bond with one another.
For I'll always be your precious child as you will be my mother.
So if you cannot find your way or the road to home seems far,
Just look up to the Heavens and I'll be your guiding star."
She said, "Mom, I'm an angel now, my spirit is free.
I'm an angel now in Heaven ~ no need to cry for me."
~Author Unknown~
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Author: Benny Sparano Download the Script